In July, my H came to me and gave me the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech". So, the world came crashing down. I spent 3 months desperately trying to beg, plead and pursue to get counseling and save our family and marriage (everything I know now I shouldn't be doing). I suspected A and confronted him about it 3x and about a specific co-worker and he denied it. In October, I finally asked him to move out because the emotional toll it was taking on me and my sons was too much (and he said there was no hope for reconciliation anyway). In December, the PA was confirmed by my sons seeing an "I love you" text from the OW that I confronted him about back in the beginning. That started a month of devastated kids and raging anger from me (I said things that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth, but I also never thought he would cheat either especially after 25 years together). After begging the OW and my H to either end it or tell the OW's husband, I finally reached out to her H and told him. That did not sit well with my H. He filed for D the next week, bought a new home and told our sons he was proceeding with the D. After I told the OW's H, I felt like a burden was lifted and I stopped acting on my anger and became "me" again. I also came across this forum and found the DR book. Although I had always thought that cheating was a deal breaker for me, I realized that I wanted the opportunity to try to save my marriage.
I have been DB'ing for a month now. I have been GAL'ing, striving to meet my 180 goals (especially being civil to H) and have been trying to detach by meeting my boundaries. My greatest accomplishment is not talking about reconciliation with the H in over a month (big deal for me).
As of a month ago, the current situation is the H says there is no hope, that he wants a divorce (that we never had a deep emotional connection he is looking for in a M). I am not sure if the OW is still in the picture or not (at first, she was going to try to save her M with her husband and toddler). However, signs point to the A still going on, but I am not snooping because it won't change my goal of standing by my M while detaching. The H is renovating his new house and using a decorator to design in, should be moving into it in a month.
The hardest part for me currently is walking the line between being civil neighbors and friends. The H has wanted to be friends since he dropped the bomb in July. Of course, being friends is not what I want. But, since I have stopped being so angry with him, the H seems to think that we are now friends. I have no desire to be his friend either we are H/W or we are civil co-parents. I have plenty of friends including the helpful people on this board…..
I think it is probably too late to save the M because H has filed for D, bought a new house and told our sons that the divorce is moving forward. So, I probably need a miracle to save this union. However, I still very much believe in the DB'ing process for ME, because, overall the last month has been way better than the 7 months before it! Yes, I have bad days, but trying to DB to address what I wanted to improve about myself and becoming the best version of me is going to help me in my next R (with or without my H). To whoever is still reading this very long synopsis, thanks….it was helpful to write it.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/09/1609:34 AM. Reason: Link
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Instead of saying "I think it is probably too late to save the M because H has filed for D, bought a new house and told our sons that the divorce is moving forward.".... Try saying "I would really like for my marriage to work out but if not, I know I will find happiness and thrive".
^^^That simple mindset can really change your persepective. I notice when I talk about how down I'm feeling, or when I complain to someone about W, that it sets the tone for my thinking and behavior.
All that we are is the result of what we have thought - Buddha
^^^think about that quote for a minute.
When we think negatively, we attract more negativety.
The human mind is so incredibly powerful. If we can learn to harness it's power, we can do amazing things with our thoughts and feelings.
Now, let me be clear.. I am no where near perfect at this stuff. But I strive and try hard to change my thinking. And when I'm successful, it REALLY DOES WORK!
Believe that you are going to ok, because you will be.
And yes, you still do have a good chance of getting H back into your life. It might not be on your time frame, but it's very much a possibility.
In the meantime, time takes time.. Make the most of it.
That's a really great way to look at it, Thornton. I have always been somewhat of a pessimist (probably so I am not disappointed when things don't work out the way I want). But, in this case, it probably does help to put off an air of positivity. Hey, at this point, what can it hurt, right :-)?!
Maybe I should also add that to my 180 goals - looking at things in a more positive light will bring more positivity to my life. Thanks (and, I love quotes - you probably have noticed lol)
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
You're doing very well Broke. Keep positive about you and you GAL. I too am a glass half empty person too. Really working at it. I find you to be very positive and helpful on these boards. I'm sure that that is you in everyday life life. You deserve the same in a mate. Don't give up hope. It won't resolve itself now, but time and the future has endless possibilities for you. Hang in there friend.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Thanks, daybyday, it's moment to moment isn't it?! I appreciate your kind words. I am pretty encouraging to everyone else but hardest on myself. Gotta work on that, too.
I have a questions those of you going to IC:
I started IC back in July when the bomb dropped. Very nice woman, religious, believes her client is the marriage. She had vested interest in me and saving my M, but only listened never really gave feedback. So, two months ago, I switched to another IC. This one gives some feedback but not really how to move forward. More observations than suggestions I guess. But she's very clinical. I don't feel like she really cares about my particular sitch. Just wants to move to next appt. I don't leave feeling helped.
This is first time I've been in counseling and I'm not sure what to expect but I was hoping to have someone who cared, listened to me, told me when I was wrong and helped me move forward. Or at least tell me if I'm doing the right things to eventually reach acceptance.
Am I not understanding how IC should work? Should I move on again? Or just quit. I'm thinking about taking a break. I'm spending money on something that isn't really helping which seems silly. Thanks for the feedback!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I have the same problem with my IC. She just sits and listens and doesnt offer a lot of feedback.
I would take a break. It seems to me that a lot of IC's have there own agendas and they are not necessarily ours. If you are not being helped, why go and waste money better spent?
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Broke I could have written out the same questions. I like my counselor but he give me observations and not advice. Keeps telling me I cannot tell you what to do, I can only help guide you to a decision. WTF is that?? I and my insurance co pay you a lot of money to unf_ck me cause obviously there is something seriously wrong with me. We need to identify it and cut it out. And you are going to 'guide' me, I can buy the self lobotomy kit on Amazon.
I do have to say I do feel better getting it out and he does empathize with me. I often feel a bit better leaving his office for that day. However, I could buy alcohol or drugs and get the same peace for probably 1/2 the price. Sorry Broke did not mean to vent on your thread. But I have considered just talking to clergy or friends. Yet what little this guy does for me I do trust a lot.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I do have to say I do feel better getting it out and he does empathize with me. I often feel a bit better leaving his office for that day. However, I could buy alcohol or drugs and get the same peace for probably 1/2 the price. Sorry Broke did not mean to vent on your thread. But I have considered just talking to clergy or friends. Yet what little this guy does for me I do trust a lot.
I went to one IC session and I'm very ambivalent about it. It was good to talk to another person about what happened. But this therapist ended up playing devil's advocate about many of my moves which happened in the past! It made me second guess so many things that happened, I think it ended up being counterproductive. This therapist divorced a violent husband so I am not sure how pro-marriage she is, and she didn't seem to have much to say about infidelity except that exposure was a very bad move.
I went to a DivorceCare group and did the same thing, I told my story for pretty much the second half of the meeting. It was a weird feeling but I mesmerized a group of 7. The leaders of the DC were not judgmental and very empathetic. I think I got more out of that free session than my IC session that got billed to my insurance! They also offer some free counseling through that church, although I'm not a member and not religious. I guess if I get really down again I will seek them out.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
That was helpful. I feel like I have friends and this forum for people to empathize and listen to me. (Which I feel very blessed about). So, I think I'm going to take a break from IC after my next appointment. I appreciate you all weighing in.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
My IC says that she can't tell me what to do but she asked me questions that I kind of answer on the spot but later on they are still stuck in my head and they make me think deeper. If it doesn't feel right, find someone else would be my advice Broke.
You are doing well and TBH DB is and has always been about saving us, becoming someone better.
