Need help. Threading water, must learn to swim.

[G8r]

Oh!!!! I forgot all about the revisionist history. Initially I would show my WW texts and pictures that provide clear and convincing evidence to refute my WW's revisionist history. That only caused her to dig in further and to look harder for anything supporting her position. Horrible idea on my part in hindsight because my need to be right only made stuff between us worse. Eventually are started reminding myself that I rather be married than right. It helped but I allowed a lot of damage to occur that I could have prevented if I had STFU. The revisionist history still bothers me but I don't let her see it bother me to the best of my abilities.

Sparks, you can practice without the H around. Like TimR mentioned, Thornton is very good at it. I also practice it with my D3. One day she will be a teenage girl and I know I will have big problems if I ignore her feelings. Doesn't mean that I give in and let her stay up late or have fries for dinner, but I acknowledge that is what she wants and feels she needs. Lol. It just occurred to me that dealing with my WW can be seen as great practice for future interactions with my D3. ROFL.

I also hear you about arguing with your S. Things change. I met my WW on Eharmony and we seldom disagreed about anything let alone fight. It wasn't that I was passive and gave her anything she wanted, we just were sooooooo compatible it was scary. I don't even have to be arguing with her now for her to think I'm taking a shot at her. That also alludes to her revisionist history because she knows I'm like Horton, the elephant. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I'm faithful 100%. As an aside, that has become one of my favorite books to D3.

Depression also can contribute to the fighting. People tend to take things more personally when they're depressed and they have a shorter fuse. Glad to hear you are working on that SparkSB.

[G8r]

Took D3 to circus tonight. She had a blast and I had fun watching her.

Almost didn't make it though. WW initiated relationship talk tonight right before leaving. She made extra food and asked if I wanted any. No thank you. She asked if I would eat it over the weekend while she was away. No thank you. Then she asked if I ever liked her food. Told her I used to live her food and still like it but I'm not interested in eating it. That led to her asking if I got the papers and that it's not what she wants but I never listened to her and now there is no hope. I didn't whine and beg her to come back but I also didn't do a good of Dbing and affirmation. I blew a good opportunity to make a little progess. Interestingly, she also mentioned that she felt that she had to be the man in the relationship, which is true to an extent. I let her pay bills and run the house because she is controlling and it I thought it made my life easier. She also didn't like that I didn't take her out enough and initiate activities with her. Sounds like stuff I'll need to work on. Actually those were things I wanted to change but I don't see any current opportunities to show her change in those areas other than doing things with D3.

I sooooooo wanted to reopen the discussion when I returned from the circus but didn't. Figured it would make me look needed than I already feel. Guess I need some more self reflection.

[Thornton]

Believe nothing they say, buddy.

Also, have a plan for the next time she brings up R talk. Validate.

When you have a plan, you won't be caught off guard.

[G8r]

Good point Thornton. Here is my problem. What kind of plan? I don't know where to start or what to address.

[Thornton]

Have your validation ready to go when she talks about R.

You already know what she's going to say when she brings up R, right?

"It will never work" "We're too broken" "ILYBINILWY"

Go to Wonka's validation page and have responses ready to go for anything she can say.

[TimR]

G8r, I agree with Thornton. If she brought it up once you know it will come up again. If you do some self reflection you will probably know what she will say. Be ready to be detached, that anything she does say will not create a reaction from you (i.e. tears or defensiveness) and think of how you will respond. However, do not initiate the R talk yourself, let her bring it to you. It sounds as though she is still playing the blame game. Yes some of her statements may be true, but what did she do to communicate this was bothering her prior to separating. Maybe you let her handle the finances but if it bothered her she should have spoken up in a way to get your attention.

[broke]

G8r,

I agree with Thornton and TimR about being ready for the next time. Vanilla is helping me on my thread set boundaries and it is helping me look at future situations and how I can handle them. You may want to take a look? I know it is helping me. My BIL called last night and wants to see my boys and I panicked. I was worried about how to handle it. But, I have a plan, so I called him back this morning, was pleasant and we set up a dinner for tomorrow night. I feel much more prepared. Now, I don't know if it will go according to my plan :-). But, at least, if you think about the situations ahead of time, you may be able to minimize getting off the DB track.

Based on Thornton's advice to you, I am also going to take a look at Wonka's validation page.

[G8r]

Thank you Thornton, TimR and broke. I have read the validation cheat sheet and have used it effectively when texting but not as effective when speaking directly. WW also complains that I'm patronizing her when I validate.

Ex. ILYBINILWY and It will never work - I understand that you love me but aren't in love with me. I appreciate that you feel it will never work between us. Respond like that and just that?

Although I leave like that when texting, I think I fail when speaking directly because I throw an occasional "but..." into the conversation. The "but" suggests I'm defending and minimizes the effectiveness of my validation.

Btw, I was reading your page and saw the boundary drafts. Good stuff. I should take my own advice that I quote from Sun Szu's The Art of War, "Failing to prepare is the same as preparing to fail".

[TimR]

I think WWs don't know how to react with you validate. I think the anger they have in them, needs to come out so when you do not engage and validate instead, they do not get the reaction they want from you. It make them spin so in order to pull you into the conflict they want they try attacking your validation.

[broke]

I feel exactly the same way, Tim. Validating by text is so much easier than thinking on my feet in a conversation. I'm trying to practice with others. But it is so hard to change how I interact with others. I definitely use "but" all the time and it destroys any validating I tried to do. I need a class on validation :-)! It would help with teenagers too!

What about "I'm sorry that you feel that way"? Then see how she responds. What have you said in the past to this? I know I said something like "of course not because we've been together for 25 years and we need to work on it". Not exactly validating.