11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I get that you are feeling pain and feeling really low especially on Valentine's Day not hearing from W. We all have been your shoes. Not a fun place to be at all.
You got sucked back in and reeled in like a fish when you and W last talked. The sole purpose, from her POV, was to merely temp check to make sure you're still right where she wants you to be. All WASes who are in A want to keep all options open. That should tell you right off bat how messed up in their heads they are when deep in affair fog.
From where I am sitting, you are VERY reactive. As you know from experience, that never went well for you. Trust us when we tell that DBing really does work when properly applied. Sending that text screams of a very needy and insecure person. It sounded like you were trying to audition for her affections. Trying to reason and remind W of how it "used" to be never works. What you're doing here in essence is ARGUING with W's POV telling her that "she's wrong."
That will set you back 10 steps like the Candyland game. You know how the game is played. You go up the ladder and then you make misstep...down you do on the BIG SLIDE. Back to square one.
For the love of God, STOP texting W. For real. You say that you know W better than we do, how's that working out for you so far? You're still here. For once, I really wish you would apply the advice we say here and STICK with it.
You were doing really well. UNTIL. That talk with W last week. Boom! All of your hard work has gone down the drain.
Sometimes you frustrate me when you say that you will try to follow the advice and you DON'T "because we don't understand W like you do." Let me tell you this. We DBErs understand DB and have applied these principles to great success because we've followed the advice to the letter.
DBing is a road map for you and you just can't go off on the reservation because "I want to see and talk with W!"
I warned you from the beginning that in all the years I've been on DB site, I've NEVER, NEVER seen a DBer reconcile with their WAS under 6 months. Yeah, RT reconciled with her wife after 9 months...a rarity. The average is 1 to 2 years. This is a tough, hard, and LOOONG slog. You're expecting miracles to happen only 2 months into DB and W is still very HEAVILY engaged in an A.
Forget about reconciling. Forget about W's words because she's all talk...there's no walk to back it up. Talk is cheap. Stop letting your emotions get the upper hand for they've not served you well at all. Time to use your Spock hat.
Get busy living. When W calls you, just simply say, "W, before you go any further: Are you still with OW? Then there's nothing to talk about. Bye."
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wonka's advice helped me and this is not even my thread. I have been separated 2 months and everyday feel like it has been forever. I did not know most od the time it takes 6-9 months MINIMUM and average is a year or more. I was thinking 2-3 months MAX. I feel like that is very good advice that I will start to follow as well.
Nygal I know yesterday was hard. Valentines day was very hard for me also. I think we both can be the same with wanting our people back and want them now since they go hot and cold. It is a mental and physical struggle. I am trying to post to my thread when I want to contact him so I don't.
It was a hard day..I ended up on bed with my wah so it was a HARD DAY for me too. We both just need to get it together and really try to follow the db rules. We can do it..even on days where we just want to call and maybe stalk them. ( I have done a few 1-2 am drive bys just to see if anything was happening)
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I told W that as long as ow is in her life, there's no room for me. She said OK and confirmed that ow is in her life and her bed. Then I fell apart. Not in front of her, but to such a degree that a friend called her asking for other friends' numbers to get some support for me. Ugghhh. I kindly asked the friend to cease and desist since it's none of W's business if I have a meltdown and need drugs! Then W tried to get my XW's phone number so they could "chat". Luckily my XW has no interest in talking to W for ANY reason at all. The Gays of Our Lives continues. But nothing from W.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Oh I am so sorry. I hope you did get some support. It is devastating when someone else enters your marriage. I'm certain my H is back with the OW as of this weekend. So I have so much empathy for you right now.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
NYGal, I too could not possibly stick around while the W is with OM. In fact, I had a double whammy, I found out she filed and learned of the existence of this person the same day! I had suspected - but so wanted to believe otherwise. Then I felt like a total chump when I actually thought about it. I grabbed some clothes and moved out. The wrong move I now know. There is no going back, especially when she changes the locks.
I so thought I would never be on a forum like this. Only a few short weeks ago I was giving advice to photographers and testing equipment for manufacturers. You think after 30 years you're safe. But it can happen any time, and I imagine like being addicted to a drug, the longer you're on it the harder it is to kick it. Not that that makes either of us feel better.
I'm in no shape to give anyone here advice, and honestly I thought I could have a year ago. But we all slip, we all deny the signs.
Valentine's day was incredibly rough, knowing the W was spending the night with the OM. All I could think about was our first Valentine's day when we were dating. Good nights and bad nights, but we had them together. And now, my niece was house sitting the home I've been locked out of - taking care of the little dog I'm not even allowed to see.
The most depressing thing is Wonka's advice above. Because the W filed for divorce - in 6 months everything I've worked so hard for - loved, collected, built, assembled, remodeled, designed - will all be cut in half by a judge. Honestly? If she's doing this with such spite, such hatred I'm not sure I'm going to roll over - we'll split the baby down the middle.
And then what? Yeah, it's all just stuff, but it represents "us". Do I want to start over? If I do, do I want to start over with her? I love her so much - but will I when the battle is over?
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
