Good to hear from you and that you had such a nice weekend!
I think some men start out wanting to be providers, but then they get resentful at some point. H has been talking a lot about how he feels he has to do it all alone, how I'm not contributing or doing everything at home since he provides the majority of the income, etc. I sense that it has to do with not feeling respected and the 'king of the castle'.
They have a point in that we are modern women who don't cater on them hand and foot, but at the same time we're not the breadwinners.
I don't know if this could fit your situation?
If you feel this way about H, it sounds like you should be very able to drop the rope and DB for your own sake right now. You're right, he has to make changes, too. I can relate very, very much to what you speak about when it comes to character - but then I also think about what pain can do in someone who doesn't have the benefit of a female emotional expressive upbringing.
It's not easy...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank you always for your perspective. Husband defiantly was resentful, although his resentment made little sense. I worked part time once kids were born. To return to work full time would mean we would have lost money because child care was more expensive then my full time salary. Logistically it would have been difficult as well as I work a lot if evening hrs. Crazy thing was I had asked him to watch kids on Saturday so I could take on per diem and he said no because it meant he would need to wake up. When I asked him how I would handle child care situation he actually said " other people do it figure it out"
When I think of this blatant cruelty and disrespect and irrationality I want to go get those divorce papers right now...at the time I was trying my hardest to just agree and divorce bust.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I just read somewhere that " feelings are just feelings and they change". I understand I don't always have this feeling. But I frequently do. It is hard for me to get over the abandonment.
Dropping the rope would not be hard for me. After he told me he did not want to move on, it was dropped and I was moving on. Yes he was villified, but that helped me and I had no other choice as he did not want to reconcile. It's when he told me he wants to give reconciliation a try that I have become very confused because he is making minimal effort.
His stonewalling is truly detestable to me. It makes me wish for him to greatly suffer. It makes me want to end this. There is nothing more painful to me then the way he is handling this.
What I truly want to say and am considering it is being upright and saying..."if you truly want reconciliation to work, you need to understand that the less talking, calling, lack of effort on your behalf is only adding distance for me. It hurts me and makes me not care about reconciling. I am very close to moving on. I would rather be divorced then in limbo".
Yes it's a.ultimatum. I won't resort to this, but the truth is I am so capable of villifying him that mentally it won't be too hard to move on. He left us and I will never forget this.
I am going to call and strike up friendly conversation and hopefully my mood will change.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I have no doubt that you could use your anger to shield yourself from any grief and easily move on from H.
What's not as clear is whether you if you replaced your husband and your marriage with another relationship down the road whether you would be able to navigate through the stormy seasons. Or whether you'd be able to open up again given the pain you've felt. I talked about some of this on my new thread.
You know you're one of my favorite posters. Something about your battle is very important to me. Since your first thread, what was it, 'burning up with anger' or something, you've been really angry. Like scary angry. Women sometimes say men get scary when they get out of control angry. But men have a saying about a scorned woman. It's scary on both sides.
Nothing wrong with those feelings, but I think they're telling you something. I think they're telling you you're in a tremendous amount of pain. And while we all go through pain, and I went through my own mini-universe of anger, yours stands out as a bit red hot even among these forums. That tells me that something is causing you more pain that most people on these forums have to deal with.
I agree these are just feelings and thoughts, and you should follow your beliefs and not act on them. But I also believe your anger is trying to tell you something. It's trying to tell you to do something about your hurt. And doing something isn't protecting yourself from H. It's taking care of some exposes nerves you have that are allowing his actions to trigger such a response.
Again, in my thread I wrote about some of the things that were hardest for me to accept. What about this makes you the most angry? What about this hurts you the most?
Somewhere in there there's a he11 of a 180. I'd love your M to work out, but personally I'd love even more for you to find peace in limbo.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Julie, I haven't been posting much because I just feel like I am saying the same things over and over and not really adding anything new. (In general I mean, not just to you.) I just wanted to say hi and say I am still reading your posts. Still in your corner!
Feeling very raw and emotional right now. I called my husband on my way home from work with the hopes of a talk that would help connect me. The more distance and space, the more of a stranger he becomes. I want to shake him and tell him, "don't you see. I am about to give up. Do something, before it becomes too late". Instead I made small talk and he was friendly, no anger in his voice but nothing beyond superficial conversation. He was packing and couldn't stay on long, which only added to my feelings of detachment and rejection. I felt compelled to call back and start some type of fight or push for relationship talk, anything to make for some attention, but I didnt. Instead I turned on radio real loud. Radio head and tool was on and I just drove home crying. Something I hadn't done for a long time. His actions are saying it all. He doesn't call, he does nothing to work for reconciliation. He doesn't need me or want me back bad enough. Why am I continuing to waste my energy on this? It's all spelled out for me quite clearly. Why should I be pathetic, hanging on to someone that is certainly "no special unicorn" as another poster once said to me.
I wish I could go for a long, fast run but It it is late and dark and raining. I have pent up emotions and I long for emotional and physical connection. But I have no one.
I try to remind myself that when he called/ texted me while I was on my vacation, I was rushing off phone with him because I had too much going on, and it was not a reflection of my desire for reconciliation. If he had pushed for real talk while I was busy I would have resented it so I am not going to do it now. But I still expect more. If a female that a man was attracted to called, a man would make time for her over most things. The fact that I have been put behind everything for so long says enough. No I am not a special unicorn either. But still. I am/was his wife.
i don't think he will ever be willing to work on it or perhaps maybe when it's too late. But even that I am doubting.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
As we both know this is not on our time table. And what we want doesn't work at our pace.
crappy, but true.
You said you are almost done, I think he knows you are not. Keep the ship going on the course it is. Play a little touch and go with no expectations. I know you believe the distance is hurting, but who knows what he thinks Maybe he feels it hasn't been much at all.
I remember a few months into my while pile of doodoo that W and i were in a conversation about everything( which I wish never happened) and she said you act like this has been going on a year or something. To me it felt like an eternity. to her it was a day or two.
we are just on two different mental phases.
Decide what you want to do or can handle emotionally and move that way.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Julie!!! I really wish I could take you out for coffee and hash this out in person. I am feeling a lot of what you are feeling, could have written your post almost word for word. Except for the running, I have no desire to run, I wish I did, that would be healthy. (sorry to make a joke)
I am like you. I want to shake things up and see where they fall. I want an answer. I don't want to DB any more. But then, I think, what if he just needs a little more space? What if trusting the process will really turn things around? What if....?
Julie, you are not pathetic. You are strong. You are fighting a battle between pride vs. honoring your commitment and putting your own needs on hold. A battle between reacting vs. self control. That is strength, not weakness. You are going to be able to hold your head up high no matter what happens.
You want what is best for your children, and rushing into divorce, or pushing for a decision from someone who is not ready to make one, is not necessarily going to be the best for anyone. So at what point do you give up? At what point do you stop thinking that change is maybe just around the corner, that maybe one more month of space will lead to healing vs. more distance, more of a disconnect.
I do not know the answer. I do know that I want to be with a man who wants me. Who not only wants me, but knows he wants me, who sees my value, who feels proud and lucky to have me by his side.
And I also know that reactivity will not develop these feelings in H. Anger will not either. Patience, healing and growing myself might. It might not. But it might.
I don't know what there is left to do but to stay patient. It might just take us really and truly moving on to make our H's realize what they have lost. And it might be too late by then.
I wish someone could sit down and have a man to man talk with our H's. I wish they could think about what life would be like to have another man take their place- another man being a step dad to their children, an H to their w. I hope it doesn't come to that, but it might Julie. Your H and my H are not going to hear it from us. They are either going to come around slowly and we may or may not still be available. It is the hardest thing ever. The most absolutely heart wrenching thing. But we can not control the situation.
And Julie, I read your ambivalence, I read your anger and your feelings of being disconnected and "done". But I also read the emotion and passion in your words, and I think that behind the anger and frustration there is still a lot of love there. I don't think you are ready to give up. I think you have more fight in you. And I know you are underestimating your own strength.
Get through tonight Julie. Keep moving, keep breathing, keep venting here. At some point I believe you will have an answer. At least that is what I am telling myself!
The funny part is that coworkers, and friends would describe me as mild mannered with an enormous amount of patience. IRL I am pretty easy going.
I think with husband it's different and I don't know why. Perhaps we really weren't compatible. Perhaps he is more difficult then most, although I would have to be extremely egotistical to think it's all him. Maybe I am high maintenance and have higher expectations from him then anyone else. I don't know.
I think my red hot anger comes from the fact that I am not following my beliefs. If I were, I would have filed the divorce papers long ago. I feel that I am humiliating myself by allowing him to treat me so poorly and not just moving on. What he did is not acceptable to my moral code.
In my family, both extended and immediate there is no such thing as walking away from your marriage. Walking away from kids is unheard of. There has been no cheating (we are so gossipy, if there was it would not have stayed secret) and no one has ever been divorced. They certainly are not a bunch of pollyannas. they can be quite dysfunctional. But no one ever left their families. it is understood that marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows, but you committed to something so you deal with it.
When my husband left us, it involved my family because it was set up so that legally he would have minimal financial obligations. He let them shoulder the financial burden and relied on them to take care of his children.
This completely goes against my core beliefs and values. I am not even saying that he needed to stay with me. But i do feel that one needs to meet their commitments.
He shirked his responsibility. I never in my wildest imagination could have predicted that he would be capable of doing this. And I am angry at him because I held him to higher standards and he failed me. I hold myself to these very same standards.
I read these posts here written by husbands whose wives have left them for other men, neglected their children, squandered their savings. These men are still supporting their wives and pining for them. I criticized my husband for not spending time with kids and for waking up way past noon instead of helping me. I criticized husband for investing in luxury car instead of saving for house. I Am not a domestic person. But I was EXTREMELY loyal to my husband. WAY Beyond what I have observed in other women. I worked and contributed as well. I have a great job and have kept myself in great physical shape. I am angry that this is what I have in return.
I think I am just rambling right now, because it is hard for me to understand why anyone would not be mad in my situation. I read others situations and feel mad for the posters on here as well. And you are right. If there was infidelity that I discovered, I would act even more of a scorned woman. I don't care how ugly it is. I truly do not believe I deserve this treatment. And I keep, trying and trying to make sense of it and come up with all the ways that I am selfish and wrong and to blame myself because I just want to be able to forgive his actions and not become a divorce statistic. I question if I myself have unfair expectations (yes I watched the videos) and I have too much if a sense of entitlement.
But the truth is, his actions are appalling. He has no remourse. He feels entitled And I am in great conflict.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I know exactly how you feel. I am not allowed to call or text my wife unless it's really important. She only talk's to me to coordinate household affairs. I am so alone. How do we process the treatment we receive from them? How do we put this behind us? How do you not become bitter?
