V thank you. I'm reading over the boundaries again and trying to make a plan for today.
Yesterdayhe also made me very uncomfortable when I took a shower and was getting dressed. He knocked and asked what I was doing, I said getting dressed. He took it upon himself to find the bathroom key, unlock the door and open it. I'm like I'm getting dressed! And shut the door. His response was"its not like i havent seen you naked before."
Boundaries need consequences. Not sure what type but I'm going to think.
I was thinking..I Dont like when you invade my personal space such as unlocking the bathroom door when Im dressing, tickling me, trying to cuddle or pick me up, etc. I understand this was something you did while we were married but (maybe leave this part out not sure) you said there is no hope and you don't want to gove me mixed signals. If you continue this behavior you will not be allowed over on my days.
On days he isnt really suppose to come over he nust shows up. Sometime I come home and hes hanging out in pajamas watching tv..but you wont catch me like that at his parents. I never go there unless I'm invited or know hes gone so the kids can visit nana and papa.
Maybe saying I dont like it when you show up unannounced to the house. I need at least a text asking if you can visit?
He just let me know he isnt coming to visit the kids today(after he promised them he would be here this morning) because he partied last night and is too tired and has to rest before work. It drives me nuts that he never drank or partied until we separated now its ALL the time apparently.
Trying to let it go and not let it hurt or bother me.
Rednail, yes, drinking is a part of it, my H turned into a heavy drinker after BD and was drunk maybe 1-2X per year before that.
I think your statement to him about not being touched is a good one. The example you gave where you walked away from him was also a good example of your enforcing the boundary. It is kind of hard to come up with "consequences" because you will have to be the one to enforce it, but walking away is something you could always do. Do not encourage it at all.
As far as being in the house unexpectedly. That is a little trickier, because it is still his house too. I think you should ask to arrange visits, but not sure how you could enforce this one. I hope someone else has some better ideas.
You really are doing well btw. I think you've caught on really quickly and I hope that saves you some of the pain that some of us (me) experienced by making so many mistakes in the beginning. Hang in there and keep posting.
Fo.2 thank you. I hope I am catching on quick. I'm trying. Yes the house is fully in his name so I guess I cant really do any boundaries on that? I'm not sure how it works.
Everyone says since he was married with kids by 21 he didnt get to experience the fun party stage and its why he wants to now. I dont know but I'm trying not to mind read him.
I think when he tries to touch me I'll just walk away and he will get the hint and if not I'll verbally tell him.
His partners wife called me today. Just to talk. She said her husband told her not to tell me but my WAS all he does at work is talk about me and make it seem like we are going to get back together or that he is thinking about coming back. Half the people dont know whats going on but his closest friends do. Ive been curious today now about why he wants to tell them all about me..my job offers, weightloss, everything I do and why he doesn't tell him that he wants the divorce. They are his best friends. I trust his friends wife, she tells me everything even if its bad like when he told his friends he felt forced into marrying me because we had our daughter at the time. Is it just to save his face at work? His friends he works closes with know we are separated. They know we dont live together and that he only sees me on his days off. I dont understand why he doesnt tell them. Shes one of my best friends and I cant even tell her he told me he wants the divorce and hes said it 2x now because it would get back to him. I feel like I'm lying by telling her I just dont know and I'm focusing on me and the kids and how tobe the best version of me tjat I can be for myself.
Your boundaries are too complex and there are too many get out clauses.
Your WH is looking for control, another poster here had a similiar response from his WW. Would actually screamed at him in the shower, he's naked and she is ranting. It's about control and invading your space. Sweetheart this is about your WH losing control.
My boundary when my WH kept coming into my home unannounced was to change the alarm codes as I was told I couldn't change the locks as long as his stuff was here. He could enter and take his things a dish towel at a time. So I put all his stuff in storage and gave him the combo.
So boundary, my private space is being reduced. So WH if you enter my Private space (shower,bedroom etc) again, then all the locks will be changed and you will lose your access to that space even if invited.
This boundary must be enforced, immediately have your lock made a two way lock and leave the key your side of the door. This is what I did to enforce my bedroom as WH felt entitled to all access. It's a dominance issue for my WH, V you may have no privacy on anything. That changed inch by inch.
I have concern is has there been a history in your past of invasion of your private space, your body and your mind?
Where did you start to give away this essential personal power?
And to whom?
As always my questions are optional.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
