Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

I just meant think about what your low numbers looked like, then do better within the bounds of your current sitch.

So if you, at your worst, rolled your eyes and dismissed what he said...work on validating and treating him with respect. Etc.

The thing is it isn't usually that one dimensional. Sometimes there is a sensitivity or fear or neediness or something that exposes an emotional nerve to where one can almost feel like they have no alternative response when someone rubs up against that nerve. They can't help but react and protect themselves. So often changing the reaction involves understanding where the sensitive spots are and doing some soul searching to find ways to change that.

[inpain]

Hi Inpain, I agree with you. I have some single parent friends or mixed marriages where the kids hate each other and resent the new boyfriend or girlfriend of their parent. Some even have the nerve to say life is good, they brag that they don't see their kids one week out of 2 and they have freedom. Freedom to do what they want. No family values or care for what these children have to go through. I am not one of those people. My W wasn't either. This current copy with

Oh I whole heartedly agree Irish! That really upsets me too when I hear people talking about the freedom they get by not living with their children. It makes me feel sick to the stomach. I have actually had divorced colleagues and friends say to me since H left that I will actually come to love my weekends without the kids as I will be able to do whatever I like!!!!! I cannot believe that they say this to me when I am distraught at the thought of not seeing my children when their Dad has access. I don't want freedom to do what I want, I want to be with my children every day, as I had planned to be when I had them!

added note... thanks for the drop in on my situation. You give me strength in your words and you even shared some wisdom you picked up here. Made me smile. You are doing great.

I'm glad I managed to make you smile. I don't feel like I'm doing great, but thank you.

Don't think about if you blew it long ago. What happened happened. You can't change the past and you acted the way you did because that is how you felt at that time. I regret not seeing this coming. 2nd time as well for me. As I look back, all the signs were there. Remember this is MLC. It was going to happen anyway. It would of happened if he was with another woman and she would be here writing this instead of you. They were programmed to do this.

Don't believe a word of what he says now, he is projecting onto you his thoughts about himself. All the never loved you, wasted so many years, you weren't there for me are all just him justifying his actions.

What you do with your future relationship with your H is up to you.

remember this phrase.. "sorry you feel that way" whenever he says something hurtful or negative about your relationship of the past. I used it often. I enjoyed saying it because it gave me power and shut the subject down.

I will try to remember that he is just projecting onto me. He does make me feel very guilty though, as though it is all my fault. But then I remind myself that he chose to look outside the M and that was the beginning of the end for us.

[inpain]

Ah!! Thanks Zues, I understand now.

The good news is that I have already been doing this a lot! I would say that my main 'thing' was that I didn't really act interested in what he had to say sometimes. I have been making sure that when he speaks I stop what I'm doing, look directly at him and always show an interest in whatever it is he's saying.

I will have a think back to other 'low number' times. Thanks Zues!

[inpain]

H almost came face to face with my Mum today! He was dropping off the car so that I could take S & D somewhere after school. He text to say he was on his way and in my text back I made it clear my Mum was here. I know my Mum has no desire to see him because she doesn't trust herself not to give him a piece of her mind, and I'm quite sure H wouldn't want to see her either - too embarrassed!

Then he comes and walks straight in the house! He got to the door of the room where my Mum and I were sitting having a chat and hot footed it in the other direction, without making eye contact, quicker than quick! Strange.

He came round later and carried out his usual routine for whenever he comes round. He walks in, doesn't say a word to anyone, and takes up his lounging position on the settee. After about an hour he commented that he couldn't believe nobody had noticed he'd shaved off his beard after all the complaints from S & D about it. He hadn't really shaved it totally off, the stubble was still there so, to me, it was barely noticeable that he'd shaved it off. Odd that he seemed put out that none of us had noticed. He sat flicking about on his phone as he always does when he's here.

I wasn't going to let him spoil our plans so at bed time we continued with the book we've been reading. He came up with us and sat on the floor listening too. Then as soon as it was done he left saying he'd see the kids tomorrow.

He just comes and goes as he pleases, whenever it suits him and I do find it unsettling. It's like the three of us are settled and happy for the evening and then he descends on us with a sense of gloom. He barely talks to the kids and they barely talk to him either. He just arrives, sits looking at his phone and leaves.

He looks dreadful (this is an observation not a criticism Zues !). He is always in ill fitting jogging bottoms and a baggy fleece. They look like they could walk to the washing machine on their own. I thought I looked tired but he looks worse and along with his stubble he just looks altogether scruffy. He is constantly complaining of feeling ill (feeling sick and stomach problems) and that he has hardly slept. It seems to me that this new life he is forging for himself is not agreeing with him much.

S said tonight that he is tired of him just turning up and 'hanging around' doing nothing. He asked, "What is the point Dad coming here to just sit looking at his phone, he might as well not bother." It is so sad. H moved out 11 weeks ago and in that short space of time S has gone from desperately wanting him to come round to feeling like this. If only H could see the damage he is doing to his R with his children.

[NYGal]

I hope you're doing well today, inpain. Thinking of you.

[inpain]

Hi NYGal, thanks for checking in on me .

I'm really not well today. I was up for what seemed like at least half the night with the most dreadful cold and flu symptoms that suddenly hit last night and the full things has taken hold today. Have the most awful headache that won't shift . My GAL tonight will be tucking myself in bed with a warm drink, not very exciting.

When H came round to see the kids tonight he asked me my opinion on a job offer. It really threw me, and upset me because his working hours were awful when we were together, he hardly saw the kids and hardly had any weekends off. He always refused to do anything about it as he felt happiness at work came before how much he saw his family. Now, now that he has left he could be getting a job with the perfect hours I always dreamed of. It was galling to say the least. I told him it didn't really have anything to do with me anymore. He actually looked pained by that answer and said that he still really values my opinion!! What!?!?! I told him that if we were still together those hours would have been my dream come true, that was something I'd always wanted but that it was his decision based on what he thought would make him happiest. He looked upset that I didn't want to offer more thoughts on the matter. He is so confusing!

Then, once the kids were in bed he told me I looked dreadful and started getting me things to make me more comfortable! I really wish he hadn't. All it has done is highlight what I've lost and how sweet he used to be if I needed looking after. Of course, he still just left after getting me the things. He will be back again in the morning at 7am to see the kids and take D to school. Thought I was getting better at numbing away the pain but no, it's right there, a giant hole in my heart.

[NYGal]

If he offers to help you, I think you should just be grateful and let him take care of you. Maybe when he sees your gratitude he'll remember how nice it is to have a spouse to see you through the hard times, someone who always has your back. You can cry when he leaves. I bet he does still value your opinion.

I don't know your whole story, inpain, but it's not over yet. IMHO, keep DBing, even if that means accepting his help when you need it. How can that hurt? Well, it can hurt you if it makes you remember what you're missing, but you're going to remember it anyway. I hope you feel better soon, I really do.

[Mona52]

(((inpain)))emotions run high when we feel under the weather. Try out some thought stopping techniques to think about something else to give yourself a break from the pain. It sounds like your H is still flapping confused in the wind. No use flapping along with him. Stay grounded and steady, and get lots of rest!

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

Hope you feel better soon. Emotions do run high when not rested or sick.

I too think your H is genuinely interested in your opinion on his job search. He also confirmed it to you.
You answered it very well in both saying it doesn't concern you and that it would have been the dream hours if you were still together.

As for him helping you. That's great . Is it because he needs to relieve guilt? Is it because he considers you a friend and he's helping out? Is it because the old H is shinning through? I'm sure all these questions and more ran through your head. And the answer doesn't matter. Take it for what it is and that's it. Say thanks when he does do something for you. He's watching you and your changes and attitude are being recorded in the back of his mind. If you come off as hurt, angry, upset or weak he'll avoid. There's not much sympathy or empathy with these MLC'r so he won't feel sorry for you.

So if he wants to help. Let him and accept it. Thank you's are always nice to hear.
If you don't need his help then just tell him you'll manage alone.

Get some rest if you can.

Irish

[inpain]

Thanks for the hugs Mona! Not sure if H is flapping around in the wind or if he is just so naive that he thinks that's how you behave when you've left your wife! He walks in and just makes himself at home as though nothing has changed whenever he comes round!