So just a few things that jumped out at me, you've been given solid advice from the members here as this is one rock solid place to land in tough times like these... It does get better and easier.
Ok, your husbands spew sessions... Try to detach to a point where you can see them without the emotions on your side. Some of these may be legitimate complaints he has with your M, some may simply be rewritten history he has made up/mid interpreted , while some are very likely to be projection of his own actions caused by guilt .... Affair fog does have a way of making a WAS justify their actions and a father of 5 walking out pursuing an affair while his wife is preggos with #6, I'd imagine he feels judged going anywhere. So take notice of what he says and give it thought ... More on this in a second
DBing often seems like a plan to save ones marriage, while this may or may not happen... If you really buy in wholesale it's more about self discovery and self growth, this is where the hard work comes from. You can not control your H, he is going to do what he wants when he wants. Currently he is chasing happiness and believes that you are the roadblock between him and this goal, he has it figured out in his head and it's not reality, accept the longer this goes the more that fantasy is not going to match reality.... Meanwhile you have a chance to become a better stronger you.
I too am Catholic and honestly at this point give your M and your H to God... He does have a way with these things
So, I will share with you something that helped me early on... "The list" . Being a mother of 5 I imagine would take its toll on who you are, we tend to lose ourselves while life has its way. Sit down and write 3 lists 10 items each ... List #1: things you like/love about yourself List #2: things you don't like (not what your H spews... Unless it's legit and you honestly agree) List #3: things you admire in other women.
Now tape this list where you and only you can see it.... I looked at mine every morning and made my bed as a start to my new day .. Cali 2.0 was born and grew from that simple act and continued focus on what I was committed to change about myself. Had nothing to do with my w nor trying to win her back, this was about me and I needed to be a stronger man for my s.
Hang in there... You'll get there but it takes time
Cali I think you hit the nail on the head! I've been really struggling with my identity since this all started happening. A lot of advice about "becoming someone a fool would leave" and GAL I agree with but struggle with putting it into action. I don't really remember who the girl was that he fell in love with. I don't know how to focus on myself when my day starts and ends with kids.
I will definitely make those lists and start working on enacting them daily! My therapist and I were also discussing how I just have to surrender control right now. Basically follow the serenity prayer and take control of my own actions while realizing I can't change his. He also put the concept of acceptance into a great perspective. Accepting the situation doesn't mean I like it, but I need to live in reality and not my fantasy of R.
S9 struggled a little tonight but took his meds and they're all asleep, so I'm calling it a win!
I have so much rage tonight. WH had the kids for a visit and when I picked them up my 4 year old greeted me at the door by saying "you're not allowed inside!" Then S9 came out and said "Daddy says you kicked him out before you guys decided to divorce"
All while WH is standing there smugly. When we got in the car my daughters chimed in that daddy told them he wasn't allowed in mommys house so mommy wasn't allowed in daddy's house. I really want to ream into him but I am refraining. This is so spiteful. I do not talk about WH at all with the children, certainly not about the details of our relationship!
My opinion is to avoid contact as much as possible with your husband. Caliguy is right. Use this time to work on yourself, not the marriage.
Don't hate me for saying this but... Somewhere in the spew sessions there is some truth. Some of the things he says are probably true. It is your job to sift through the BS and work on those issues. You too have some issues that need to be addressed. It is very easy to get caught up in motherhood and forget how to be a wife. I speak from experience.
