Julie, reading all of the above is so positive and complete reflection of the reflecting, learning and growing. Julie you have taken advantage of every opportunity that has been presented to you over the last couple of weeks. What I see is a Julie who is being authentically who she is, with a balance to hold her H's feelings and place within your relationship. I absolutely believe if you can continue to be strong on the inside and vulnerable on the outside. I do feel H will keep leaning in. I think the MC is something to talk through with your DB coach. Personally I wonder if consolidating the foundation of friendship, fun and more open communication outside of a therapy room, might be more useful right now. But be guided by them for sure. This is good stuff. I look forward to your next post. Much love Jellyxxx
One of the things I liked about husband when we met, was that we did not have to play games.
Now I feel like I am playing games. I called him yesterday just to say hi. He was responsive and it was superficial small talk type stuff. But this has been our standard conversation for a long time anyhow even before BD (although before BD I would stear convo toward relationship probably because nothing else to talk about, that and game of thrones) You know, how's work, how's family, about the kids...it's a bit of pulling teeth and boring.
I am doing this because if I dont, he will just become more of a stranger to me. He is a stranger right now. There is nothing really there. At least I don't feel like it. He has not initiated anything conversation wise. I think it's because he is not a good conversationalist but I could just be telling myself that. We also have very little in common and perhaps little going on in our lives other then work, kids, some gym. No time for hobbies or interests. My spare time has been on these boards and I can't really discuss that now can I?
What I always felt like we needed to do was to participate in a hobby together.
I am going to do a little bit more initiating some friendly calls and then see if and where he takes it. I won't initiate a date though.
It's so different then when you meet someone new and you are engaged and flirting and your heart races a bit when you talk to them. This is more of a testing the waters, figuring out what to say and what to say that won't bring up resentments. Everything a bit formal and cautious. It would be more relaxing having a conversation with someone I am interviewing with then husband right now!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Btw, I am by no means complaining. I am in a much better place then I was months ago. There is a chance our marriage can work. It's just that things are certainly not a cake walk. In your mind you want that movie reconciliation where both people cry and hug and pour their hearts out. This is nothing like that. We do not live together. We don't even date.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
"I don't even know if he is attracted to me anymore." I don't know either Julie, we're in the same boat.
All you can do is be the best Julie you can be, that's attractive. The rest is in he's head. I don't want to change to be something for someone else, to be an actor. I going to be me and if that's not good enough, so be it. Your a good woman with a kind compassionate heart, that's attractive, at least to a man with his head on straight.
Julie, instead of 'anymore', say 'right now'. Attraction is a changing thing. I'm not always consistently attracted to H. It depends on how he behaves towards me, and how attractive he makes himself.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Was really upset that husband did not call me back and had a whole rant written but just deleted it cause he called me. We spoke casually. No sensed anger in there so happy about that.
I feel like a pathetic school girl.
Will post soon!
Painter I have to think about what will make me attractive before I act. Insecurity does not. Confidence will. I needed that reminder, but controlling myself so I think I'm ok
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Just came back from ultimate GAL weekend. It was fun socializing with friends. While I talked about husband situations, I wasn't emotionally consumed with it while away. Really I was just having fun.
I need to now get back into a routine. I have a lot of doubts about husband and I'm feeling a bit depressed.
1. A common thought is that "he doesn't want this bad enough" or he would be doing more.
2. Another thought is that he left us for my parents to take care of. He never offered to give money. I always had to ask. He needed to be taken to court to pay child support. And then he was mad at me to have done that without asking first, despite the fact that I asked him twice and he said he could not afford it. (He earns 3 figures and is living free with mom) And despite the fact that he told me he did not want to reconcile and had just come back from a nice long vacation. What does this say about his CHARACTER? He ability to not accept any blame? This really bothers me and it's hard for me to come to tems with. I make excuses for him leaving us (he was having health issues, under stress, ) and that's hard to do but how do I justify him placing this financial and logistical burden on my parents.
The right thing for him to do would have been to set us up in an apartment.
I am ashamed for him and have little respect for him as a man because of this.
3. If he was capable of doing this once, he is capable of doing it again. I see many people coming back to these boards after DBing in past. Character is character no? Why go back with a known offender?
4. I am having a hard time seeing good parts of our relationship. I Don't remember having fun with him. I only remember him acting selfishly. (I know this is remaking history so I try not to focus on this much)
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
