I am not a parent, but I have been with many children while they have expressed these thoughts and feelings and I have experienced them myself repeatedly over the years. It is heart wrenching, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling for your wee boy. He is your baby and it is not right that children should experience these things. I am sending you all the love and light I can muster, for your son and family get through this horrendous time.
Hi Sixkids. Wow that's so much to handle Firstly S9 is in the right place and you are doing all you can for him. I haven't read through your witch but will over the next while
We all feel your pain and no words right now will take that away What support do you have ? Family , friends ?
I have 4 kids and I know the toll it takes on them. I won't say too much but trust me , I know how the S9 sitch feels
Again without reading through your posts can I just say the most important thing right now is to step back from what your H is doing and focus on you and the kids
It's so difficult not analyse everything H says or does but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. If and when he comes out of his dog then you can start to look at things in depth but right now it doesn't matter
I'm going to stress this bit again , focus on you and the kids , accept H is gone and while that is incredibly tough to do it really needs to be done for you to deal with your reality.
I see newbies on here struggle for so long with acceptance of their reality and the pain they cause themselves is almost more than the WAS
H doesn't matter right now , all the matters is S9 , your other children and you
Sending you positive thoughts and a hug You will get through this and you will be happy again. Rd
You need to be the rock for your kids, and the MOST important thing you can do for them is to model optimism and positivity.
If you are crying and crumbling, they will feel like the world is coming to an end.
If you model strength, keep their lives constant, engage them in fun stuff, show that you are strong and moving forward.....they can see themselves doing the same.
My kids were much older when my ex left and we divorced - 17-22 - but still very affected by the divorce. But one thing they have told me is how impressed they were with how I picked up and moved on. (I learned to play the drums and 53 and now I play in a punk rock band ).
Your kids need to know that it's NOT the end of the world and that you both still love them.
Six, I'm so sorry you are here. Your story is painful to read.
Originally Posted By: rd500
can I just say the most important thing right now is to step back from what your H is doing and focus on you and the kids
I'm going to stress this bit again , focus on you and the kids , accept H is gone and while that is incredibly tough to do it really needs to be done for you to deal with your reality.
H doesn't matter right now , all the matters is S9 , your other children and you
^^^This^^^ and ^^^this^^^ and ^^^this^^^
You need to forget about pretty much everything else in your life and focus on those kids, V has rightly pointed out you are their one stabilizing force. Leave H to himself, you can't change him anyway. Don't even waste time pointing out to your kids that H is making bad choices, they know that. Save your breath for how much you love them and how much you are there for them. Pare down that volunteer schedule so you really can be. Am I getting my point through yet? Give up anything and everything to focus on those kids for the time being, it's your job to make sure they are all OK, including the one you are carrying. I know you want to save your M, but you need to save your kids first. Keep this simple for a while.
I don't come over to Newcomers much, but I'll try to come check on you. Please, please, please come look for my thread in Surviving the Big D if you need to find me. Breathe. You can do this, Six. RD is correct, you'll be OK.
Sixkids, I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. I want to echo what rd500 said. Your H doesn't matter. Don't read into it. Focus on yourself and your children.
Well done getting your S9 help. I can only imagine how incredibly painful and terrifying it must be to have him in this situation. You are a great mom. You are doing the very best you can and you know where your priorities are. Please be sure to ask for and accept help for yourself and the rest of your children. There is a long road in front of you but it can take you to beautiful places if you include loving people on the journey.
I will say again: you are a great mom, doing a great job under impossible conditions. Please know that.
I want to offer an alternate perspective to kml's with regards to strength and positivity. In my sitch, I have three kids who were 11, 8, and 6 when their dad left. As much as I wanted to, I could not be smiles and sunshine for them. I cried, and they saw me cry. I talked about how I felt, sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed -- but I also tried to share how I coped with those feelings. I thanked them for being my kids and told them how important they are to me, how grateful I am to be their mom. In between, we also read the entire Harry Potter series aloud together -- and kept reading lots of other books after the crisis passed, so that we now have those shared experiences bonding us together. We learned to camp and went on road trips and each kid learned some new cooking skills. For me, it wasn't about hiding the negative so much as embracing a new model of life together.
We still hit road bumps from time to time but we have developed positive techniques for coping with them when they occur. I'm hopeful that this will be useful in their adulthood, but regardless of whose method of coping is "best," I did the best *I* could at the time.
You Are Too.
I will say prayers for you and especially your suffering child tonight. I hope he finds peace.
I'll try to catch up on your sitch. Hugs to you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you all for the kind words. S9 was already having difficulties before this (bullied last year, withdrawing from the family over the past few months) but this situation sent him over the edge.
Last night was terrible, but I know he will benefit. They already got him to sleep last night! He has been forcing himself to stay awake and I haven't been sleeping either because I keep going every few hours to check on him to make sure he's staying asleep. I was able to talk to him for 10 minutes tonight and he seemed a little disgruntled that the meds knocked him out. I know that the not sleeping was a control thing for him but it had reached a super unhealthy point and contributed to his breakdown.
We get to see him tomorrow for a therapy session and I'm really looking forward to it. I missed him so much today and almost feel bad for my husband not being able to see the kids everyday anymore. I've always been a very attached parent (cosleeping with babies, babywearing, etc) and my kids haven't spent regular nights away from home so this is bizarre for me.
As far as detaching and focusing on the kids, we are moving out of the marital rental this week/next week and I've been putting a lot of focus on how fun it's going to be living with grandma. She has a huge house, so they will have double the bedroom size. I've also got girlfriends coming over to help sort stuff to purge and donate.
I'm trying not to let my husband get to me, re-reading once a day or so the "checklist" for the wayward spouse babble when he starts spewing stuff. My mind knows it's nonsense he's creating to justify, but I still get my feelings hurt for a few minutes. Reading Brene Brown as well to get some focus.
I also talked to my lawyer today and the separation paperwork should be ready by Monday or Tuesday. It's still weird to think about pulling that trigger, but it's clearly needed. Everyone I've spoken to seems to think I should have no problems getting what I want/need (namely, possession of our minivan and primary custody) but I still struggle with anxiety about the process.
I do have a fantastic support system. My parents are prepared to support the kids and I until the baby is 1 (due in June), or at least they phrased it as "After the baby is 1, then you can start thinking about school or working." Really, childcare alone for 6 kids would be astronomical, more than I could earn with my current skillset/work experience. I've all but decided that no matter what ends up happening, I need to go back and finish school.
Anyway, thanks again for the support and advice! I'm focusing on the kids and NC (unrelated to kids) with WH.
Hi sixkids, I am sorry to hear about s9. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to have to cope with 5 kids and a pregnancy. You're a very brave woman and it's great that you have a strong suppory system.
I will like to second maybell's perspective. I feel that kids myst learn to recognise the different typs of emotions and not just the pleasant ones and learn to deal with them. I show my kid when I am sad, not too much though, and explain why I am feeling that way and what I am doing about them. I do mess up big time but I still try to explain to kid that what I do is wrong.
You sound like a very strong lady and I admire you for your strength. Sending positive thoughts your way.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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