B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[TxHubby]

She baited you. Don't allow yourself to be baited again. With her threats I'd also advise you to record all your interactions with her. Use your cell phone (plenty of free VAR apps) or buy a VAR. Don't take threats to lie about you in court lightly. Protecting yourself has to take precedence over your R.

[RosaLinda]

B and TX Hubby, please believe me. As an attorney I am warning you that if you live in California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania or Washington, secretly recording a conversation is a crime. What state do you live in?

[sandi2]

God how I would LOVE to talk to you. The real you. The you I hope and pray still exists in there somewhere. The you that I fell in love with. Not this you that is capable of hurting me worse than I ever would have believed possible. But no, I'm not afraid to talk to you, I just have very little desire to talk to this you.

Oh noooooo. Why would you say something like that ^?

Well...apparently she got what she wanted...just to make freakin angry as she can possibly make me. I'm shaking right now.

She had nothing to discuss. All she wanted was to get her two days back from where she's losing them for going out of town for work

.

Told you she didn't want to meet face to face just to discuss what the kids had to do next week. Next time, tell her she can say what she has to say in an email. Or better yet, she can tell your lawyer.

Don't expect a WW to be fair or to cooperate. It is all about her and her selfishness. Get a schedule she has to adhere and don't play the shifting game.

[sandi2]

Oh, okay, I had not read Max's post. Wasn't seeing it in the context he said it.

[Bfice3]

Hi everyone. I'm back. Pretty crummy weekend. I'm going to just write out some things, I guess journaling.

For starters, I'm in North Carolina. It appears (after a very quick google search) to be one of those states that legally allows the recording of some conversations at least where there is consent given by only 1 person. But, I'm not at that step just yet, though I fully recognize the potential benefit. When I say I'm not at that step yet, I could very well be by this afternoon, depending on how I feel. Any and all feedback on this post will potentially help me make a fully informed decision.

That being said, back to last week. So earlier in the week (possibly the weekend prior) the WW asked me to add to my upcoming 4 day schedule (Wed-Sat) of keeping the kids, the additional days of Mon and Tues because she was going to be out of town for work. I agreed. She asked if I needed to exchange days because the additional days would 'be a hassle for me' and I declined.

Then Friday's event unfolded. She says she wants to discuss the schedule. Not saying she wants to re-negotiate or anything like that. But clearly once she is on the phone her sole intention for calling is to get me to give up Friday and Saturday after adding the Monday and Tuesday. I was very reluctant because my understanding from a lawyer is that the custody/child support situation is based (in NC) on how many nights the kids stay with each parent. Our arrangement currently is (every 2 weeks: me 6 days, her 8 days). So, I'm always wanting to try to get additional nights to get closer to that 50% margin.

She was very combative and difficult and lots of yelling ensued and I ended up hanging up the phone. The following day she sends text stating that I needed to let her know and that a non-response is an affirmative response. She also finally revealed her true intentions. She has plans with her cousin this weekend coming up and wants the kids with her then so they can visit. It has to be this weekend coming up because her cousin is leaving to move to Japan very soon.

Ultimately, I relented and said its fine, via text only. But I told her I didn't appreciate her lack of honesty regarding her intentions, to which she of course replied "I was 100% honest."

[Azzork]

But, I'm not at that step just yet, though I fully recognize the potential benefit. When I say I'm not at that step yet, I could very well be by this afternoon, depending on how I feel.

Didnt read it all yet; stopped here for now.

Dont do ANYTHING based on how you feel. Do everything based on whether it gets you towards your goal. LOGIC. Not EMOTION.

[Bfice3]

Fast forward to this morning. So, she told me she was going to drop the kids off to me this morning around 8-8:30am via text on Saturday. This morning I get a call from our D(15) at about 8am saying they are on the way and that there is a letter I need to recieve from my WW, and that there are two other girls in our car from a sleepover and that my WW won't be coming up to the apt. I said fine, see you in a bit. Then texted my WW to not use our children as a conduit for communication about their parents divorce. Here's a fun string of texts:

Me: Our children are not supposed to be the conduit for communication in their parents divorce.

WW: I was driving. I told you about this last week, remember? Check S(9)'s coat for the envelope.

Me: You are missing the point of protecting your children from yourself, but whatever.

WW: What on earth are you talking about?

Me: Exactly.

WW: You're the one who won't even speak to me. You're going crazy.

WW: You need to protect the kids from yourself.

WW: I'm doing fine.

Me: Why would I talk to you? You've had or are having at least one affair, you're actively seeking other men to date, you've told me you don't love me, you requested space for at least 6 additional months, not to mention you're treatment towards me personally and your inability to be honest about your intentions and actions.

WW: Harsh, and I'm not having an affair and NEVER cheated on you.

Me: How is that harsh? It is simply factual. And an affair is by definition cheating.


So...lots of love. I know, I'm doing a terrible job at detaching (meaning leaving myself unaffected by her actions) but I'm just really starting to flat out get angry with her.

She dropped off our 3 children this morning to their father's apartment while having 2 11 year old friends of our D(11) in the car! I asked my daughter about it after an hour or so. "Did that bother you getting dropped off here with them in the car?" Her, "Well...yeah, kinda it did. I thought they were going to get dropped off first."

Then, my oldest daughter...oh yeah, Dad, I need to get a composition notebook and 100 notecards by tomorrow for school. (This is immediately following being with my WW for 3 days) Me: "Oh, okay. Mommy didn't get those for you?" D(15) "She told me to tell you to get them. She's told me to talk to you about everything, even my follow up appointment for my retainer she said you should schedule it, and that you should buy my homecoming dance ticket."

I mean...my wife is just freakin checking out being a parent, and that makes me angry too.

[Bfice3]

So, I don't know where I am right now. I mean, at this point, if she were to even begin to show interest in our marriage again I don't even know how I would feel about that. She is hurting me. She is hurting our children. And she is doing it all feeling 100% completely justified and without any visible remorse.

We talk about children ya know, and how smart they are, and what they pick up on. Well, I've been talking to my kids about me getting a bigger place, potentially a 3 bedroom townhouse. My D(11) asked me about it again this morning, asked if I had visited any new places. (I let them come with me to visit one the other day because I wanted them to feel comfortable with what I choose and don't want to just be like oh hey this is where you'll be calling home now when you are with me.) So, I told her no I hadn't seen any new ones in the past few days. (This weekend I texted my WW to let me know how long she would remain in NC because I needed to be able to make decisions about signing a new lease. Her response was vague and ineffectual except for when she asked if I wanted to move to LA with D(15) so our daughter could finish high school where the WW went!) So, I asked out loud to all the kids if there had been any talk from mom about moving or anything like that. D(15) responds, "Yeah, I asked her about it last night, and said its been 4 months, isn't this supposed to be ending now? But mom just said she didn't know." At which point D(11) "Its not ending, its forever".

Man, that just crushed me. They know. They can see it. These poor kids, they didn't ask for this. I know I've been a bad husband, been selfish, been a drunk, I know I have a part in this failed marriage. And it makes me so sad that my kids have to bear this for the rest of their lives.

But...well...one day at a time right. Be not afraid.

I'm going to love my kids as much as I can, and build me into a man that is going to be more amazing than I've ever been. The future is bright for B! And through my rising, my children will be lifted.

That's the plan. Regardless of that woman does.

I feel somewhat better now. There was a lot that happened that I've left out, but most of it was just more nitpicky, complaining and lying from my WW. But, its good to get it out of my head and let you all take it from me.

I need to do some actual work now, but I'll be back later.

Thanks all.

[Bfice3]

Dont do ANYTHING based on how you feel. Do everything based on whether it gets you towards your goal. LOGIC. Not EMOTION

Understood, and that was/is the intent of posting about it. To begin to flush out the idea. I didn't intend to make it sound like it was an emotionally driven course of action. Its not. At this point, I do feel as though I need to be taking action to protect myself, my children, and any and all future interactions and/or financial concerns I may have.

I created a google calendar for myself where I am going to start documenting all events that transpire. Communications with WW, neglectful, hurtful actions she takes, just all of it, so at the very least I can see it laid out. And if necessary, I'll have it as evidence. But for now, it would mainly just be for the sake of documentation.

[Fogg]

Have you read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' yet? I seen the covert contracts from your last thread, you will easily recognize them after reading the book and it will allow you to dig into why you do them. I would also suggest 'The Solo Partner' to stop you from reacting to her and getting so defensive. She knows how to push your buttons and as long as you keep letting her she will to prove the point D is whats best. I'm not sure you see how much you contribute to these negative interactions. You can, on your own, stop them from getting to the points they do regardless of what she does. All this arguing and fighting can be stopped by 1 person. My W was the bitch most of our M and I was the [censored] also, we might be separated now and likely D'ed at some point in the future, but we interact better now than we have in years. It may never lead to a M being rebuilt between us but there are much worse outcomes to this.

In those texts all you had to do was ask her not to communicate through the kids and leave it at that. Instead, you attacked her and guilt ed her by using the effects on the kids, threw the D in her face, threw the A in her face, accused her of cheating. You want her to see those things but when they come from you, even if they are true, it just gets filed under "[censored] H using lies to attack me" in her brain. She wont see these things if you throw them in her face because you feel hurt. She mentioned previously a reason for the D as you being an [censored] and you smiled smiled and drove away. You might not like to hear this, but theirs truth to what shes saying, you likely do come across as the [censored]. It doesn't matter if shes coming across as the bitch, you're still in the wrong also. You cant control her but you can control yourself.

You can keep acting like you did through out your M while supporting her decision to do this, or you can change and become the man only a fool would leave.

I get what shes doing is painful and hurts, it [censored] shes ripping your family apart and you have a right to be angry. But that doesn't give you a right to let your emotions control how you act. That is exactly what shes doing after-all, isn't it?

The angry hurt guy can be just as hard to control as the needy hurt guy, but you can do it.