My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We got married very young (19) and had our first baby a year later. Then 3 more in the next 4 years. After a 3 year break, #5 came along. To say our early marriage was stressful is an understatement. I'm currently pregnant with #6, due in May.
We have been drifting apart for years, due to the stress of my husband working 50+ hours a week, me volunteering a lot and being a SAHM and the normal stress of having 5 kids aged 9& under. We also dealt with depression and a legal problem for him during year 4 of our marriage.
In mid October, things came to a head with a blowout fight where my husband had a laundry list of all my problems, culminating in him moving out. I immediately convinced him to go to marriage counseling and thought things were improving, although he had "made up his mind" that we were over. He said in marriage counseling that he felt like he needed to get away for the weekend and go fishing, maybe with his dad. I agreed, eager for him to have a break from work and clear his head. This was Oct 30th.
Well, needless to say there was no fishing trip. I got uneasy about it the next morning (Halloween) and checked the phone records, to discover he had been having daily conversations with someone two states away. There was a second phone number in the state that he had called that night. I looked it up and discovered it was a hotel. The rest played out like some sort of sick movie. I called the hotel, she answered. I stayed calm and asked for him. He had no answers, only that he was coming home Sunday and needed to talk to me.
So Sunday rolls around and he confesses that she had been an online friend for months, and only that week it had "turned" romantic. But then after getting there they both realized they had made a mistake (her leaving a BF of 12 years) and vowed to each go home and try to fix things. I forgave him and we committed to a year of marriage counseling before making a decision about our future.
Things went ok for a few days, until he asked if he could still be friends with her. I said no, that I would never trust him and he was despondent. A few more weeks passed and I became suspicious (as did his family, who I exposed to on Halloween) because he was *always* on his phone over the holidays. Our anniversary was mid-December and for the first time he didn't do anything for it. I was crushed.
Finally, we got through Christmas with both families. I was taking a nap Christmas afternoon and got a sick feeling. I checked the phone records and he had been talking to her again, an hour a day for two weeks. I confronted him and told him to stop talking to her or leave. He left.
So now here I am, reading the Marriage remedy and trying to save my marriage. He said we are "done" and he no longer loves me last night. We were supposed to go to Retrouvaille this Friday (which I know they don't want 3rd parties involved) but I think he is cancelling. We are seeing a new counselor tonight to figure out our next step and he said he would let me know about the weekend after that.
He basically raged last night that he is forced to choose between trying to fix a relationship that made him miserable (me) and what is making him happy (her). And that in order to actually try with me he has to "give up" what he wants, for something that may not work (restarting our relationship)
I have seen an IC and we talked last night about how long I'm willing to wait/what my cutoff point is. That is undecided and my homework for the week. I am very torn because I feel like our kids deserve us exhausting every effort. My husband doesn't agree and keeps spouting that kids are resilient and we will all be happier. (His parents divorced about 6 years ago and he and his siblings are very damaged from it...?)
He also keeps swinging between raging at me for trying to "ruin" him (money and kids) to trying to appease me. I assume the appeasement is so that I make a divorce easier. When he accused me of trying to ruin him I was calm and asked what in my actions said that. I've given him open access to the kids and haven't made any demands except that I need our minivan, which is currently in his name. I am the primary caregiver and need to transport them to school, etc. He originally agreed, then flipped that he will take it in a divorce. Oh, and he tried to convince me to just do mediation without lawyers so it's not as expensive. I'm not going on the offensive at this point as I aim for reconciliation but I will definitely have a lawyer if it comes down to it. I'm not going to lose my kids.
Anyway, sorry this is so long!! Just trying to get it all out.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He announced in MC tonight (first time with a new counselor) that he didn't love me, he is not interested in trying to sort out our problems, and he wants a divorce.
I said that I was going to fight for my marriage and wasn't going to hand him a divorce. I said that he is all about "getting himself healthy" and surely his therapist doesn't think the affair relationship is healthy. He said she didn't, but it was something he was "working through" on his own.
I really believe that if he ended it with her he could get clarity on how much he is throwing away in our marriage.
I am so sorry that you and your children find yourself in this situation! You say things came to a head in October. Could you elaborate a little about what that was about? What was his list of complaints? How does he feel about this pregnancy?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
He is mad about the pregnancy. We had talked about it for a while (6 was the plan before marriage) and he said he didn't want to have another yet, that he wanted a year off from me nursing or pregnant. I said that I felt if we waited that long, it would drag out and I'd rather have one now while we are in the toddler groove. We didn't resolve it verbally one way or another, but I was testing for ovulation daily (leaving the sticks on the bathroom counter) for 4 months and we continued having unprotected sex a few times a week. We I became pregnant, he said I "tricked" him. O.o He has not been involved in the pregnancy at all. Didn't know my due date until I finally announced it on Facebook for my friends. Doesn't know the midwife or the hospital. He told me flat out that he doesn't want the baby but he will support all of the kids.
As far as his laundry list, it was a lot of random things. The house wasn't clean enough, the dishes were still out from lunch. Now he's saying I used sex as a weapon. Yes, there was a bit of "Hey, you do dishes, we can have sex...but I had been working on not manipulating that way for a while and being more available. Or as available as I could be while mothering all day. I'm also not a touchy-feely person and get touched out by about 9:00 AM. It bothers him that I don't want to hold hands or cuddle.
The biggest problem though, which I 100% own, is that I would "check out" when he got home. 10-11 hours with the kids on my own and I would just hand them over to him and vegetate. The relationship definitely withered with no time alone and just work & kids. So now he is convinced I don't love him (and nothing I can say will convince him) and that this other woman is the girl of his dreams. Because their entire relationship is about talking to each other. About themselves.
Like I said in my other response, I'm not going to give him an easy divorce. I'm Catholic (and he was until recently, now he is atheist...and told me he won't "allow" his children brought up in any church anymore) and want to fight to keep the family together. I'm unsure if I should still file for separation though to protect myself financially. He told me he is going to pursue 50/50 physical custody (1 week with each parent) which I cannot stand the thought of. He said he would just put the kids in daycare or with a sitter on his weeks (with what money??). I feel I have more than generous thus far, offering him evening visits 3-4 times a week. He works 6 days a week and I had offered to let him have them all Sund
My last post hit enter too soon and I'm not sure where I left off!
He also told me Sunday night that he doesn't care that I'm devastated by this, because he was devastated when I "withdrew." So I guess it's a payback thing? I'm confused by that. I've read all the posts about how this is not the same person, etc. Doesn't make the shock any less
Thank you for the info, that is helpful in order to understand the situation. I would suggest you read about the sex-starved marriage, about men's needs, and Zues has written many posts here from a man's perspective that can be really valuable.
I'm guessing that he felt very betrayed when you got pregnant, because he had said he didn't want that yet, and you still got pregnant. That's a big decision that you should both have been in agreement over. So now, he probably feels like you already betrayed him and he's not doing anything you didn't already do. That is what makes him not care about your feelings - he doesn't think you cared about his.
You said 6 children was what you had planned when you got married - do you think that you at 19 truly understood what that entailed? What would be required emotionally and financially? Was it his idea or yours? I think these are things you may want to look carefully at and try to see from his perspective. We often adjust our plans to fit with changing circumstances - was that what he wanted?
It is key to truly understand your partner's point of view, and treat their feelings with respect. In a M, in the day-to-day struggles and stress, it's easy to start treating your spouse poorly, as you already have realized.
I hope both of you get some information about what to expect in your state when it comes to custody and otherf legal matters. It can save you a lot of arguing.
Keep posting!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
That is really great insight, thank you! I do think he feels betrayed about the baby. I was hurt that he was telling all of our family that I tricked him, because I thought since we had left it unspoken, but continued taking actions to conceive, that he had changed his mind. Clearly he didn't.
As far as the plan to have 6, it was a mutual desire. We both come from families of 6 and have talked about it many times over the years. Yes, we were very naive at 19 about what all it would entail and I admit to selfishly wanting this 6th baby. I have always felt a strong desire for another baby and up til now he has felt the same.
I deeply regret not paying attention to his emotional needs (which is what the OW is now fulfilling) but don't know how to do anything about it now, since we are separated and he is hostile. I'm reading through a lot of the beginner threads and feel like right now I need to let him go, work on myself and the kids, detach, all of those things. I think he needs to work through this himself and thus far I've just been begging him to try and work it out. I'm stopping that.
Currently you can't believe any of what he says and only 1/2 of what he does. No need to ask him questions because you won't get a straight answer and more likely it will be something you don't want to hear. Focus on being the best Sixkids and Mom that only a fool would leave.
I'm glad you are recognizing that you weren't meeting his emotional needs and that OW is fulfilling them now. I'm also glad that you are going to stop begging him to try and work it out. Any relationship talk right now is futile and is making things worse.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
