B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

My wife told me I should be going on dates....

If she finds out, I'm not going to deny it. That's part of it, I had to accept that she may very well find out. What's the worst that can happen? She's going to have an affair and ask me to leave?

I didn't answer your other question. My intentions. I just want to start the process of remembering what its like to be a man, and that I like women, and that its okay to be around women. To make friends. To remember what its like to talk a woman, and have her talk to me, and it not be angry or vindictive, or callous or anything else negative.

I'm not trying to hook up, or make my wife jealous. I view it as dating, pre-k maybe? I don't know. I have no idea what's going to happen. I know I'm not in any condition for a relationship, and I don't want that. But I think spending time chatting, talking, and possible doing stuff with women will be good for me.

- Are you still interested in saving your marriage?

I don't know. I mean, on the one hand, yes. But...not with the woman that I was married to before, and certainly not with the WW that I have currently. If she decides she wants to stay married to me then she has a lot of things that are going to have to change, just like I'm changing.

I'm currently not the same man she was married to 2 1/2 months ago. And if me talking to women is a problem for her, well guess what, she should have thought about that beforehand.

[Azzork]

My wife told me I should be going on dates....
yes. She told you that. Because she doesn't want to feel guilty for being the one to break up the marriage. If she knows you are out doing your thing with other women, then that guilt goes away. It gives her more head fuel to the fire that you are the bad guy in all of this. What if she told you to sign over all your money? Or that she wanted 100% custody of the kids? Would you agree just because she asked?

If she finds out, I'm not going to deny it. That's part of it, I had to accept that she may very well find out. What's the worst that can happen? She's going to have an affair and ask me to leave?
this is not a short term process. Of course, there's nothing that will happen right now, besides her yelling at you. But if you are upset that she is having an A of some kind....look at yourself and convince yourself that talking to girls on Tinder is different. In my mind, if you want to stay married, the only difference is the timing. But I think the concepts are identical.

I didn't answer your other question. My intentions. I just want to start the process of remembering what its like to be a man, and that I like women, and that its okay to be around women. To make friends. To remember what its like to talk a woman, and have her talk to me, and it not be angry or vindictive, or callous or anything else negative.
what about the girl? People don't sign up for Tinder just to have casual conversation with someone else for the other person's benefit. Ask yourself if what you are doing is being fair to the other woman.

I'm not trying to hook up, or make my wife jealous. I view it as dating, pre-k maybe? I don't know. I have no idea what's going to happen. I know I'm not in any condition for a relationship, and I don't want that. But I think spending time chatting, talking, and possible doing stuff with women will be good for me.
i don't know. I have a hard time buying it. As I've seen Cadet say, why start a new relationship until you are done with the old one? I think that there are many other ways to get comfortable talking to people rather than one on one with a woman on a dating app. But, that's just my opinion.

- Are you still interested in saving your marriage?

I don't know. I mean, on the one hand, yes. But...not with the woman that I was married to before, and certainly not with the WW that I have currently. If she decides she wants to stay married to me then she has a lot of things that are going to have to change, just like I'm changing.
if you want to stay married to Mrs. Bfice, I don't see how this is helping you to achieve your goal.

I'm currently not the same man she was married to 2 1/2 months ago. And if me talking to women is a problem for her, well guess what, she should have thought about that beforehand.
ultimately, you can decide to do what you want. It sounds like you are taking this step as a way of "paying back" your W on some level (whether or not she ever knows or cares about it aside.). But it sounds like she hurt you and you are looking for someone else to help ease that pain. I don't think it's these other girls' job to do that for you. It's your job. But again,that's just my opinion.

[Bfice3]

So, here's the thing. I work from home. I don't have a sister. I don't have a mom. I don't have an aunt or any family members at all that I can speak with. The only woman that was in my life decided she wanted me out of the house.

I don't have to do Tinder or OkCupid. Meetup.com has things where divorced/separated people go to do stuff. I actually just got a message from a girl on OkCUpid informing me of that. If you cuold read my profile on OKCupid, its worse than these threads. Its awful. Trust me, there isn't going to be a relationship.

To me, this is me doing a 180. I don't know. Is it risky? Sure. Could it backfire? Yes. Is it the right thing? I have no idea.

I dont know what the right thing is anymore.

But, if I'm honest with anyone I'm talking to, I don't see how its hurting them.

I really don't think this is about paying my wife back. I'm not angry. I wasn't angry yesterday. I honestly feel more cathartic than anything...like things are more clear. I understand that I wasn't just completely paranoid. I know for sure now that she's been lying her teeth off, even when she said she wasn't.

Is this me setting myself up for failure? Maybe. But, I mean, I have to GAL right?

[Cadet]

Is this me setting myself up for failure? Maybe. But, I mean, I have to GAL right?

So dating another woman is the only way to GAL?

[TxHubby]

Awesome job, buddy. I was very open and honest about my intentions when I talked to other women. I said I was basically being dumped by my wife and that I was looking for friends to talk to. Maybe have coffee with sometime. After all, this is what real detaching and moving on really is. Once you start really truly moving on then you enter the no-lose zone. Either she snaps out of her bullsh!t or you move on and pursue your great new life/adventure. You're doing great, my friend.

[Fogg]

TxHubby, I think you do give good advice but I think there's something missing. While it's true most of that advice of not being the plan B and gain some of our mojo back is good, most of us aren't just here because our S decided to cheat. Many of us have issues that led up to thr breakdown of our M, issues we should be focusing on and fixing instead of dating. When we start talking to other women our emotional needs begin to be met and then there's no reason to do any mirror work because we convince ourselves the S was the problem.

You might have been strong enough to talk with other woman and develop only a friendship that doesnt lead to a relationship but not all of us are.

Truth is very few of us are ready for a new relationship and getting involved in one is just hurting the other person. Its also skipping any real change we could do that might avoid our next R from failing also. Sure, the S's actions are out of our control but that doesn't give us an excuse to ignore our own.

[Bfice3]

Ya'll are giving me grief, and I know that you're probably looking out for my best interest, and the interest of others.

The WW has removed any relationship status on FB as of today.

I mean...

[TxHubby]

TxHubby, I think you do give good advice but I think there's something missing. While it's true most of that advice of not being the plan B and gain some of our mojo back is good, most of us aren't just here because our S decided to cheat. Many of us have issues that led up to thr breakdown of our M, issues we should be focusing on and fixing instead of dating. When we start talking to other women our emotional needs begin to be met and then there's no reason to do any mirror work because we convince ourselves the S was the problem.

You might have been strong enough to talk with other woman and develop only a friendship that doesnt lead to a relationship but not all of us are.

Truth is very few of us are ready for a new relationship and getting involved in one is just hurting the other person. Its also skipping any real change we could do that might avoid our next R from failing also. Sure, the S's actions are out of our control but that doesn't give us an excuse to ignore our own.

I definitely understand that. I usually don't comment on those type of threads. My experience is with MLC/temporary insanity/cheating spouse. I know what failed and I know what worked.

[Bfice3]

Hey all. Still around. Made it through another day without contacting my wife. 2 in a row now.

I was pretty bummed earlier today when I looked on facebook and I saw that she had set her relationship status to nothing. It doesn't say anything, just 'relationship information unavailable' if I click on that tab.

Oh well...she's going to do what she's going to do. But it still hurt.

I chatted a little bit with a woman today, but it was nothing more than a few sentences. Also RSVP'ed on a nature hike for this Friday that is with a divorce/separated group of people via meetup.

What else...well...I had a meeting with our priest today. It was actually pretty good. He didn't get all caught up in the dogma of religion and preachy about potential divorce. I was very open and honest about where I was/am regarding my alcoholism, the separation with my wife, and my desire to get God to be more present in my life.

Towards the end, I was expressing how I would like to do some type of service work, so he asked me if I would go with a deacon from our church to go pray with a woman from an elderly housing facility. I said sure.

The crazy part of the day came tonight, when I went to an AA meeting. And all of a sudden the same deacon from this morning walks in. And I was totally shocked. But apparently, our priest, set it up so that he and I would meet. It was actually really amazing, and I ended up feeling extremely touched, and I think/hope the deacon did too.

We are going to go back tomorrow morning to meet with the lady at the housing unit, and he expressed a desire to talk with me, because he's only a couple of months ahead of me in my sobriety.

What [censored] is this is the kind of crazy story that I would love to share with my wife, and I think she would be very happy to know that it was happening, but I'm not going to even mention it to her. (For one thing, there is a desire from our deacon to remain with as much of a level of anonymity as he can maintain, but also, I don't want to get caught up in sharing with my wife and end up pursuing or invading her space.)

Anywho...I hope that anyone who has read and commented on the posts from yesterday maybe can get a little more insight into who I am, and what it is I actually desire and am looking for. I'm not a bad guy, and I'm not trying to go out and mess up myself or any other woman. Just seeking help in as many ways as I can.

[Azzork]

Nobody thinks you're a bad guy.

I think 90% of what you're doing is great.

I just don't think bringing other single women in to meet your emotional needs is a path you want to go down.