otw Keep plugging away. You're doing great. Keep detaching and doing your own thing. Even though I'm 99.99% sure I'm headed to D I know I'm a much stronger and better person than I was 6 months ago and she is fool to be leaving.
Keep being a great father and man
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Setting my feelings aside that she's probably going to crash and come home as soon as you get serious about filing divorce (in Virginia) and cutting her off financially (based upon adultery)....not to mention I presume you are fully supporting her living separately with your family income which should infuriate you if you come to discover you've just been paying for her to have her own love nest.
Yes, have her over for Christmas.
The look she gave you the other day is because she loves her kids and seeing you love her kids too reminds her of her shared history with you and how you're not such a bad guy and good father. Presuming she's having an affair, that's not "in love" feelings but it's better than feeding her rationalizations and justifications for leaving/cheating by being an obnoxious uncaring jerk. Right now, "in love" feelings are likely reserved exclusively for her OM right now so until the affair ends (as they almost always do) you are left with weird slightly loving longing looks usually followed by a pullback (oh crap, what am I doing leading him on when I'm in love with OM and cheating on him - I've got to be more careful because it makes me feel twinges of guilt - where's OM because I don't need to be thinking about this right now - it's too hard to sort this out - maybe tomorrow).
side thought - It takes a special kind of wayward wife to talk her husband into paying for her to move out and get her own paid for place including spending money so she can continue her adulterous affair behind your back unimpeded. My wife TRIED to do this but I just said "no". You have the right to say "no" and you have the right to change your mind. She may get anger. She may get furious. She will try to convince you that she WAS thinking of reconciling but not now - that changing your mmd and say "no more" is the straw that breaks the camels back. Your marriage can recover from her anger/fury, it can't recover if there is, in TRUTH, another man in your marriage. This is similar to a drug addict spouse - if your wife was doing crack would you pay for her to move out into her own crack apartment and give her spending money (for crack) so she could just sit and do crack all day without your "interference" or "annoyingly asking her to stop it". No - no one would do that. But you also wouldn't take her over your lap and spank her or beat her up. Your job as her spouse isn't to punish her or be the brunt force of retribution nor is it to enable her. As her spouse, I think, you are called to be the voice of reason and hold her accountable for her actions. If her actions naturally involve consequences - you should be the one to protect/shield her from the natural consequences of her choices. It's a balancing act for sure but not making her mad is NOT the goal. Addicts always become irate when you take away their drugs and they remain emotionally hostile as they progress through withdrawal.
OK back to Christmas.
I think you should just tell her that you don't want to talk relationship talk at all. That, to you it appears this is likely/probably going to be your last Christmas together as a family and therefore you don't want to look back and remember it as being full of angst and conflict. And you follow through with that. Wayward wives LOVE the idea of having family time together and the always big hope that you two will remain friends and spend all your time together as one big happy extended family. Waywards also love the idea of no conflict TODAY. They hate being made to feel any guilt and just begrudge always having to have relationship conversations with the betrayed husband begging and crying. She's not ready to make decisions today anyway so don't bother and the more you don't talk about it the more she MAY pursue talking about it (especially in your case where you are essentially her benefactor paying her bills - she doesn't want to lose your cooperation and she might get the notion that maybe you've found someone else and are pulling back from her - some wayward wives respond to that by chasing themselves). If she pursues conversation, follow your GAL/180 suggestions by engaging a little and then pulling out of the conversation first to go have fun doing something else. Waywards LOVE distractions so it's usually an easy sell - as much as you want to talk serious (OMG do you ever want to talk) it's just not productive. Until she ends her affair it's ALL just talk....actions are the only thing that matters so skip the conversations to the extent YOU want to teach or explain anything to her. Just listen. Acknowledge. Tend to agree and then distract with something fun. Take the cotton out of your ears and put them in your mouth. Make Christmas as much fun for everyone.
The catch - I'm doing this because I'm thinking this is our last Christmas as a family. Somewhere and somehow during the course of your conversations and fun you just have to slip in once or twice (casually and with a smile on your face) - "I'm going to miss this". The point is...THIS DAY is about the family and having a great Christmas in this moment. She is your wife still and as long as she remains your wife you will continue to love, honor and cherish her BUT - next Christmas you two are either going to be together working on your marriage OR divorced, and, IF divorced - THIS DAY ain't happening. THIS DAY is not a crystal ball into how future separated/divorced Christmas's are going to happen but rather a look into the future of how Christimas's together as a complete family could be. If you two divorce, you will not be her friend and you two will hardly ever speak or see each other. As casually as possible and without being intense - "listen honey, your choices and behavior have devastated me. If you complete the devastation of me and break up our family by continuing down this destructive path, continuing a relationship with you in any manner will be unhealthy for me and modeling very unhealthy behavior for our children. I matter too; and, I will not teach our children that they need to suck up being abused emotionally and abandoned for the good of everyone else. I am a good man. A good provider. A good father. I don't deserve this - instead I deserve TODAY (looking around at the joy you created in your home). I'm not ready to throw us away just yet. We've come a long way together but I'm nearing the end of my rope and there are lots of women that would be lucky to have me. What I'm saying is, do not be deceived by today, if we divorce, I don't intend to mess up the rest of my life and future relationship by keeping you in it. You can have all of me or none of me - your choice (and time is of the essence). That's enough - let's go bowling - yippee, who wants to build a box fort"
It's not an ultimatum. It's a warning and it disabused her of the idea that THIS is how separation and divorce will be hereafter. You fill all her needs for family commitment and make Christmas such a good time for her and the kids but then there is the takeaway - that THIS is not how it's going to continue to be unless she makes some hard choices.
I speculate she's having an affair. Usually when they move out/separate, if it's a single guy she can just announce it to the world - "my husband and I are separated, the marriage has been over a long time - here, meet my new boyfriend". Since that isn't happening it's possible/likely that the OM is married. In that case - take the next week to get any and all proof you can (hire a PI - whatever) and then AFTER your great Christmas family time together - where you probably don't even have any serious conversations like above (unless she pursues it) - you call the OM's wife and let her know the truth about her life. The dichotomy of having such a wonderful family Christmas day together followed by the immediate knowledge that you KNEW the entire day, sucked it up, were kind to her in moments you probably wanted to strangle her and you did that for her AND the kids - and now the affair is blowing up. YOU told the OM"s wife and now everything is frantic in affair land just when they were hoping to spend some quality time together over the holidays.
Since you are in Virginia - you don't have to actually file for divorce to make your discovered wayward wife panic about losing her financial support and ever getting alimony. Just indicating that you are meeting with a lawyer and discussing options is very often enough. If OM is married, he's very likely to dump your wife and go home trying to save his family/marriage and your wife will begin the descent towards rock bottom - where the decision to come home where their is love, family, kids and peace along with the hope that maybe her marriage can be saved OR stay in turmoil and hell of continued sin without your continued financial support.
Or, do nothing and then next December we'll be discussing how much you hate her and wish you'd never even bothered trying along with how cute and nice your new girlfriend is while your children still cry for their mom and dad to reconcile. The window of plan appeasement is only so long. Sometimes you've got to stage an intervention and drag the wayward back to the family any way you can. It doesn't matter if she loves you, respects you, trusts you, whatever ---- you can fix anything in your marriage TOGETHER once there isn't another person in it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
GB First thank you for the time and effort you put into your posts.
R talk is not an issue especially on my end, unless she wants to speak on it (which I doubt). We had gotten all of that out while we were under the same roof. There is nothing left to say.
We have a signed separation agreement and I will look into with my L about how it is able to be changed if there are new findings regarding the OM. Or if i find out and file based off of this news and will it change anything.
I have my suspicions on how it would all play out if she does have Om and where it came from.
Regarding xmas she is coming over to be there for the morning, but the details of when and how we are doing it will be determined still.
Again thank you and i will keep posted.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
otw, am I correct that in VA you need to be legally separated for 1 year before filing for D?
I got my info from a neighbor who is a walkaway wife. Actually half of my neighbors are now walkaway wives it seems. I am the only left behind wife, what the heck?
yes you are correct about the one year. We signed separation agreement as of Nov 1.
as I do more reading around here and the other areas I believe even though my W is in her early 30's she is more of a MLC'er. She has said many times that she wants to put her kids first and then herself. I know she feels she missed out on things in life.
She fills her life with plenty of distractions and always on the go. What i have noticed is that she has not made an effort at a career or anything further. She is relying on the support i give her and the savings we split. With her bills that will not last.
Oh well, i need to find a way to just really let go and stop faking.
Fo, it is crazy how many people just give up these days. I dont get it.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I don't get it either, o. It's not like they were forced to get married and have these kids with us. I guess that isn't helpful thinking, but it is sad.
If you have already signed your PSA, then you will more than likely just stick to that.
In VA, it is damn near impossible to use Adultry for the grounds of Divorce. As my lawyer told me, you would almost have to have video footage for any VA judge to rule on that one.
I had printed emails, and was told that they were circumstantial at best...
Yes, Fo.....one year from the agreed on separation date, your legally signed PSA can turn into your final decree.
And I say PSA, because there really isn't a separation agreement in VA. However, the PSA can serve as that.
