Well I am pretty busy but when I don't have them I tend to just hang with friends that want to go out to bars. I need to find something for the night when I have the kids or don't. I don't want to do the bars and I also don't like sitting thinking what W is doing when I do have kids. I have a few ideas and need to implement.
Any thoughts on xmas question? I am looking for all opinions.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I don't know if I am the best to answer. You gave me the advise that Christmas is for the kids, do what's best for your kids. I am spending Christmas with my W family. I think that will change if I was D. Right now, this year, I think its the best decision for my kids and the best decision to DB.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I agree with the opportunity for DB. Now that we live separate I just am unsure if it appears I am pursuing or letting her not feel the loss
I remember your question and that is what we did the entire time we still lived together. We had to make things ok for the kids. Now I just don't know since everything is different.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
You asked me to chime in with an opinion on your situation.
It says your location is Virginia.
If that is actually the case then you more than most have to snoop just to discover the truth about you life, find out who OM is and what she's been doing.
Then, once you discover it, file for divorce on the grounds of adultery then do not sleep with her again (NO SEX or you might nullify the adultery).
She'll be back home begging you to reconcile in no time.
Virginia is a NO ALIMONY for adulterers state.
Custody in Virginia is also very favorable towards the non-fault spouse.
Your wife has very little work history or experience and you've worked you butt off for her and your family. It may not sound romantic but she'll come back for the money, the kids and the lifestyle and when she does you'll be able to demand she end her affair (no contact for life) and commit to a recovery program. She'll gladly oblige and the two of you can get on with recovering your family. If she's really dumb or OM is a billionaire and can support her better than you, she may just go. In that case, you absolutely tried. There are no guarantees.
The ability to get more custody (and protect your children and save on child support) ply the money you'll potentially save on alimony certainly dictates that you find a way to hire a PI to document her likely affair. All it'll take is following her around clubbing one night as it sounds like she's doing this completely in public. It's a little risky because I feel there's a good chance she's trying to be really really careful because she is probably aware of the Virginia Alimony laws herself (most likely the first thing her attorney advised her about). There's a good chance she's watching you too - hoping you'll cheat some night and give her "non-fault party" status.
Oh...another thing. You own your own businesses. IF you do divorce in 2016 or early 2017 (I know in Virginia you need to be separated a year before you can file in most cases), then your 2015 tax returns will very likely be used to calculate alimony (if any), business valuations (income method) and even child support. Thus, by December 31st this year (the next few weeks) you want to maximize every single expense you can. Purchase as many supplies as you can (lifetime supply of paper and paperclips), prepay your rent, send utility and other bill payments in early, instead of a raise give employees a [bigger] Christmas bonus, defer income to 2016, borrow against the cash value of a life insurance policy and put it in your kids college 529 account (that way you won't have to split it with wife), buy cash card gifts for your employees and anything else you and your accountant can come up with to legitimately minimize 2015 income.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I have been very careful with all of the finace aspect of things and we do have a signed separation agreement already.
Other than the legal situation what is your train of thought for now that we are living apart. Or do you believe the only way to having something repaired is the possible OM being brought to light and causing her to be scared of losing all financial aspects? Do you believe in any other way of reconciliation?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
"Do you believe in any other way of reconciliation?"
Yes. I believe there are 100's of paths to reconciliation and that God has the power to restore, redeem, repair and grant the gift of repentance to anyone at any time.
You or anyone really are free to pursue whatever path you deem best for you and reap the rewards and/or consequences of those choices. It's your life.
That being said I think there are good choices among those 100's of paths, better choices and a couple best choices therein. But that's just my lay opinion. Just because I was able to save my marriage a decade ago and help many others save theirs (or become contented divorcees that have since happily remarried) doesn't make me an expert. I didn't go to college for this and build a counseling, psychology and sociology foundation to my knowledge base. Personal experience is valuable but it's not overriding a hundred years of practice by many smart persons who have been in the trenches of marital counseling for 25-50 years. I think there is an objectivity when you study experts and ponder/present their ideas without the vested interest in "selling" those ideas to make a living. Gottman used to be on a team of researchers that promoted Imago Therapy. Later he did a study and found Imago Therapy to be no better than doing nothing - (the placebo group faired just as well as the Imago Group). He concluded also that his prior studies attempting to predict divorce based upon compatability (which they then sold as premarital "compatibility" counseling aids) didn't work. So there's a lot of flux in the business of marital advice and counseling and it's REALLY hard to study (because how do you design an accurate test - who has to be the control group and what "placebo" can you give the control group - wouldn't horrible counseling be obvious and you can't just give them nothing and every couple is unique and they may just reconcile all on their own whether in the study group or the control group).
So....getting back to the question. I feel currently that a couple of "plans" in these situations are more likely than not going to be more successful than other plans (i.e.- your best shot). Also, IMO "success" isn't necessarily determined by reconciliation alone. To truly be successful the marriage needs to become better than before....to make the ordeal worth it. Also, it's "successful" if someone utilizes a plan and still ends up divorcing, I think it's a wonderful tribute to their coach when they can tell him/her that they'd do it again the same way. That they don't regret and resent the unfruitful effort they made to attempt to save their marriage and family. That's a difficult balance to achieve but something you need to think about as you seek advice in your situation and incorporate opinions into your personal plan.
I don't have my own plan. I've been accused a couple times here lately of promoting my own plan. This is MWD's website. I try very hard to make suggestions and give opinions within the framework of divorce busting concepts. IMO, it's one of the good plans I mentioned above and she's been at this a lot longer than me.
What do I believe are the universal truths in all the best plans.
1. Truth - you can't win a war without knowing the enemy and you can't recover your marriage without full basic knowledge. Truth is foundation of any relationship much more so than trust. ("basic" = you don't need to know everything but you have to know the basic truths about your life = is she having an affair or not).
2. Until the affair is over and no contact is achieved nothing "works". The affair has become their primary relationship ---- their primary addiction - and just like the crack head everything they do or say is predicated upon that primary relationship/addiction. You can either pull back, GAL, 180, sit and wait and or "stand" waiting for the incredible destructive and hurtful affair to end all on it's own (as they inevitably almost always do eventually) or you can fight it tooth and nail but either way, you're not going to truly reconcile until "no contact" is achieved. Recovering alcoholics can't hang out in bars, recovering crack heads can't hang out on inner city street corners and recovering way wards can't keep working with the "other person" or being facebook friends with the "other person" or even living down the street from the OP.
3. If your spouse's affair partner is married, they need to be told about the affair just as you'd hope they inform you if they knew about it. It's the right thing to do and no matter the ramifications and consequences, no one ever regrets doing the right thing.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
GB thank you. That was very insightful. I know you get some guff around here based on some posts. I think maybe it is taken out of context sometimes and maybe some people just don't believe the healing process can be helped by knowing about the affair or continuing to snoop.
I do agree when you go to battle you better know all you are up against.
I will take your thoughts into consideration and process.
While I have your attention, a few posts ago I posted a question regarding the xmas holiday and whether or not to involve W. if you don't mind I would like your input.
thanks again
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Otw.....thanks for your words on my thread. I see you are really struggling with the Christmas question. And like most we can usually see others dilemmas clearer than our own.
But I am new to the world of DB so take this with a few grains of salt.
If you and your W were able to do the mall/seeing Santa without too much of an issue then I do not see how asking about Christmas can be considered pursuing IF it is truly done just for the kids.
Putting aside the look she gave you and what it might mean. And the reason I say only if it's really for the kids is because she might say no.
If you can ask with no expectations I think it's okay.
I didn't ask myself but was informed that my Mr has plans c For Christmas eve and wants to come by after to see the kids and again on Christmas morning for the opening of the gifts.
But even without me asking. And feeling myself get upset over him having his own plans. I know now had i asked it would have been with expectations and it's possible all hell would've broken loose when he had to say yes but only for a while because i am committed elsewhere.
If a no will be too hard to take. Then perhaps you shouldn't ask.
Just my very NON expert opinion.
Wishing you luck no matter what you decide.
Rain
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Rain thanks for stopping in and i guess you are right and i will explain.
Little update So past few days still have had way too much thinking. Had the kids and we were all good. I have been contemplating the whole xmas thing and if i am seeing any signals from her.
Something finally came out of my D7 mouth last night that i was curious when it would. She said to me, that she should have asked santa for her family to be back together. That hurt me really bad. I dont know if she says these things in front of W or not. This morning as they were speaking to W on the phone, D7 said the cat missed her then her and S4 both said they missed everybody and the family. W quickly changed the subject.
Had S4 preschool holiday program this morning. I saved W a seat. We spoke a bit, was a little awkward. Finally she said to me what the plans were for xmas. I asked her what was she thinking. She said she was trying to sort it out. Finally i just came out and told her that i believe for the kids we should possibly try to do the xmas morning together. SHe did agree. We have to work out the details, but I was shocked.
I am trying not to go to overboard with the thinking but I am looking forward to the opportunity of being the new me around her.
Anyway, will update more later.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
