Let Go! Detach! Be a better you! Continue moving forward with your life. She may catch up.......she may not. If she doesn't you don't want her.
I think this is good advice. Especially the last sentence.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
O, I keep telling myself that at the end of this journey I will be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything I could to save my family, and I conducted myself with grace and integrity and love. If it doesn't work out, I will have no regrets, no "what ifs". I will know that I did whatever I could.
I feel hypocritical giving detachment advice however, as that is where I am stuck right now. For me, the things I do to help me "let go" are really more distractions or focusing on things that make me angry. Not true detachment.
Lol pho We have to fake it! No shame in it. I just hope it turns real somewhere!
I guess I question myself as to what is trying everything. I think I want to fool myself into thinking that we have been apart for a while so I should show a little interest. Like she might be waiting on me or I don't want to be out of her thoughts.
I know that is prob a mistake but I then rethink maybe I am not trying. The thing is this trying needs to be not doing these things. Feels weird!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
So i feel a lot better today. I have no control over anything that happens in her life except myself. I will not bring anything up to her. I did speak with the kids more last night. I apologized to them that they have to go through this situation. I know they are not happy with this mess. I know they dont like going to her house, i know they want to stay with me, but are afraid to hurt her feelings.
I tried to explain that they need to be heard and make sure their feelings are known. I told them i can not be the only one to know these things and cant change anything by myself. They need to talk to their mom as well. i told them that I am willing to help. D7 wants to knw why they cant decide what they want to do. I told her they can but we all need to talk about things.
I do believe that right now W would be fine with them being with me more but she would not like the way it would make her look to others.
I am going to find someone to try and get the kids to speak with and then W and i can meet with person individually. I can not let this bother them.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
OTW - I agree with your perspective until the last sentence. As a parent I too would love to suck up all my kids pain and take it on as my own, so they were nothing but happy. But that's not realistic. You will need a neutral third party to talk sense to your W and to reinforce that the kids need to speak their mind.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty I agree with you. That is what i meant. I am going to find a good child counselor that has plenty of experience with this. I knowit may be difficult to get W to agree. I think she thinks they are fine, and i also think she doesnt want the reality hitting her.
Not sure how to go about this part and the fact that i really want to go as dark as possible from her right now.
prob wait until after holidays
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
OTW ... I caught up a bit on your sitch, just thought I would share my perspective on a couple issues.
One of the hardest things for me in all this was the OM/A. Looking at it from a detached place, it was not so much my W was with someone else ..... it was that gut punch that someone beat me, that she preferred to be with OM vs me. Now all that mirror work there were things I could quickly admit that Cali 1.0 was not perfect and in a sense that old house needed some fixin, that said I came to grips that OM was/is a POS and while he was no where near the man I was, at that time .... I was broken and had to rebuild myself.
Detachment is very difficult, was for me anyways, and even now I know I could have done better there. When I got to a place that I will say was more Indifference than detachment, I took a very large step in my progress. I went ahead and had a long mirror talk with myself and came to this conclusion. I will always love my wife in some capacity .... regardless if we are M or D ... regardless if we sleep in the same bed or in 2 different houses ... I will love her as she is the mother of my son whom is the greatest gift I could have ever received. Allowing myself that, opened my heart from being bitter and angry with the sitch ... accepting HER choice and I started moving forward with MY life. I have a calendar ... I used to track things .. bright red letters when I arrived at this place I wrote "Dropped the Rope" and I did not look back. I refused to allow my W to define me as a man ..... amazing when that happened I began to find myself again and rebuild all that was torn down, not what she tore down, what I allowed her to tear down.
As far as the kids go. Brutal honesty from me here. Be careful, I get the vibe you are using them ... certain areas where you tell them they need to be heard by their mother, comes off as you want them to talk sense into mommy (delivering your message in their words) and not tear the family apart. Tread carefully here, I grew extremely close to my S, and there were times I wanted to send him mini-torpedos to deliver behind the enemy walls on my behalf ... that's manipulation (out of our own fear) to achieve OUR objectives. Truth is ... she is the mother of your children, she will ALWAYS hold that role, being a Father or Mother is not something one can divorce themselves from. Sending them in to speak their minds to her is really out of your control, the R between your W and your kids is your W's issue to deal with not yours .... like you I have a great R with my S, with all that happened he felt safe with me, I remained his 'home' ..... even then W accused me of turning him against her to which I validated but fired off a serious truth dart her way (She repeatedly exposed S to OM and S caught them kissing) and have not been accused of that since.
My advice ... take the high road, if you want counseling for the kids it might not be a bad way to go, discuss this with your W so its a mutual thing and IF anything comes out of those sessions that's not on you .. its unbiased and unlikely you would be able to sway a counselor to side with you ... its about the kids here right?
Caliguy, thank you for stopping in and sharing your experience. I agree with you, i think a lot of my pain is the fact that i wasnt the one she still chooses or has pushed me aside for someone else. My pride is hurt very badly.
I do look back into the past especially at this time of the year and see memories that we shared and can stand thinking someone else is there. This is my issue to get over.
I do look at myself and still see some lingering things that need fixing. I have come a long way from BD, but there are still some pieces still there.
As far as the children go, I get it, you are 100% right. I have stepped back many times and done nothing because i could see this as well. Then i also have moments after both are breaking down to me and say to myself am i living up to everything i always told them i would be for them.
These kids should not have to go through this, but i definetely can not use them as a pawn either.
I will speak with W about the counselor for them just to make sure they are coping with everything ok and go from there.
I just read your most recent update and happy to see you are still working on things. I really commend your patience and commitment to the process. i am sure at times it felt impossible as i can feel also. Thank you for sharing so much
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am trying to remove myself completely from communication with W for a while. I need to do this for me. She sent me a text stating she will be dropping kids swim class stuff off today. I don't feel a reason I need to reply as it doesn't warrant one. Is this rude or fine?
I actually have anger towards her for the first time. I was wondering when it would come. When she gets here I plan on just being busy in the garage or something and let the kids get the stuff. I'm conflicted recently as there has been more open communication between us but the events that unfolded the other day about the most likely OM have be knowing it is nothing.
I am looking forward to the weekend even though I won't have the kids I plan on doing a lot for myself. Problem right now is there are a lot of holiday parties going on that means drinking which I am trying to avoid as the next day seems to be a big let down as it is a false fun time and then reality comes back. I am trying to have real activities consume my time.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Looks like we are in similar circumstances (except your W moved out and I am still in house S). I have had anger towards W for a very long time. I still do. I am the poster child for anger right now. All that anger has not helped one bit. Anger is the poison you take hoping someone else will die. It's toxic. You will be angry - that is a natural response to our injured pride and our realization that we are not in control of the situation. Just try to keep it on the back burner by GAL and channeling all that anger into love for your kids.
Hope that helps. I know it helps me.
RAI
P.S. it looks like a lot of visitors to your thread are very similar to you. Don't know how I have not stumbled upon your thread sooner. Or perhaps I have, but forgot.
