Adverse childhood experiences. I believe everyone should know where they stand. The original questions were 100 but have been reduced.
I love the version with resilience. There is one minor glitch, it's hard as an adult to answer as if one were still a child as we grow we build resilience.
my new goals forge a deeper connection with my son spent time with my daughter exercise and lose 10 lbs. finish my lighting upgrades in my garage take the advanced evening class keep a PMA stop co-dependent thoughts and behaviors
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thank you Mona for thinking of me. It feels good to have someone wonder how I'm doing. I have not posted in a couple of days because I have been reflecting on my situation.
I have noticed a new feeling within me and I am dismayed by it. For example my wife came home early tonight and she eat dinner with my daughter, my son and myself. My wife talked with my daughter and would not look at me. That is not anything new. In the past I would wait to speak but try to. Today, I sat there looking at her and had no desire to talk to her. I sat there and listened, looking at her and thinking her words have lost their luster. I still love my wife but as I type this I wonder why. She has withdrawn and made herself a stranger to me.
This must be a level of detachment. I now see how hard it is to remain upbeat and behave well when facing adversity. I will not give up but there are some moments in which the despondency is suffocating. What is not clear any more is why I'm doing it. Is it for love, a sense of duty, habit, fear or all of the above. I have entered a unclear portion of my path. I will keep moving forward and hope the light of truth shines down on me.
It is important to know why you are still standing. You have answered that several times in your thread but as you rightly pointed out you are now at a different point of your path.
Even without knowing exactly if you believe it is the right thing to do, maybe that is enough.
Good luck with your thinking.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi roiste, thanks for responding. I was down last night because of my dinner realization. It could be just that moment or the beginning of a different perspective. Time will reveal the answer.
I do agree with this statement."Even without knowing exactly if you believe it is the right thing to do, maybe that is enough." This my path.
The amount of courage necessary to see this through is daunting. There is not much else to say
Mutatio, I believe it's all part of the process. At first we fight like hell to keep the M alive, to keep the R with our wives alive, to keep that old connection strong.
Over time though I believe we return to our base needs - to be respected, to be loved in return, to have the energy we put out mirrored back to us in some way. As time goes on and your W stays withdrawn, you are giving and getting nothing back. How can any person be expected to hold that space forever? It's an unbalanced exchange.
I spoke with my cousin's wife last night, she is Italian and therefor completely dismayed at my sitch! She said something very poignant to me though. She told me of ALL of the struggles that she and my cousin have gone through - being poor together, losing jobs, infertility, three miscarriages, the death of my uncle, moving, and now raising two kids together.
She said that through it all they've found reasons to fight to be with each other, reasons to look beyond the current struggle and continue on as a couple. And that until I find a woman who is willing to do that, there's no reason to be in another relationship.
I don't know why our W's have chosen the path they have. No one does. Sure we contributed, sure we made mistakes. As did my cousin. As did his wife. Someone out there will fight to be with us. Someone out there will find reasons to stay as opposed to reasons to leave. We deserve to have someone on this board fighting for us in the ways that we are here fighting for our M's. All of us here do.
Letting faith handle this situation while you heal, grow, and truly develop into the highest expression of Mutatio will take courage beyond what you may have right now. Welcome that challenge because it's going to force you to become more than you are, you are already an extraordinary man simply by your DB'ing and desire to fight for your M against all odds.
Now imagine the man you are going to become.
Stay courageous,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Remember your feelings pass. Your wife is an imperfect human, and even if she were to throw her arms around you and praise you for your strength and promise to never let you go, she would still be an imperfect human.
We, on this forum, tend to forget how flawed our S was before our nightmares began. We remember the honeymoon phase. And that is good, because that is what keeps us strong and fighting.
I just want to tell you it is completely normal to wonder why you are fighting for her. She is not perfect. It is completely normal to feel like you just now realized that she may not be who you want for the rest of your life.
Just like it will be completely normal for you to wake up tomorrow and see through rose colored glasses how much you love her and of course you will fight for her. How could you ever believe otherwise?
Your journey will be up and down, back and forth. When you are feeling down, act as-if, and as time passes you will be back up again.
Love is a decision. You must decide it every day. It is not a once and done thing. When you wake up each day, you have to decide, will you love your W today or not. Feelings come and go.
I want to give you a positive, but I do not want you to feel like I think you have it any easier. I just want to point out that your W is there. Many people on the boards would die to have dinner with their WAS.
No, I do not believe this makes it easier for you at all. There are many times reading your sitch when I thought it would be so much easier for you if you two were separated. But you are not. So, if possible, look to that positive.
I do have to say, that when you told me that you were watching your W and not talking, I kinda cringed. If she could feel you watching her you may be making your journey last longer than it needs to.
I used to watch my H with big, sad puppy-dog eyes. I am sure you are not going that far, but if they think you are adding pressure, they will pull further away.
Try and get to a point where you have zero expectations in your eyes. Dont expect your wife to be good or bad. Have zero expectations and she cant disappoint you.
Just keep trucking forward! You are a rock, seriously.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thank you PigPen for your support. I am still a work in progress. Thank you Mona for your insight. I love that we are in the same house but because we are, there are different stresses. I have a meeting in 5 minutes so I can't write more.Thank you both very much.
