I am mere embryo myself in moving myself through Codependency. If you read my posts in the beginning of my journey on this forum, you will see the desperation for connection, the need to please, the lack of independency and I think therapists call it individuation. My lovely friend Zues made a few but powerful comments that made me really consider what my co-dependency looked like within a relationship. How I view his comments now, was that I became a shadow, not really a partner, because all I reflected to my ex was himself. It wasn't a partnership.
A loving partnership is an exchange between two people, where at times there is an equal participation, but at other times, it provides challenge and stimulation. A exchange of need and assistance, love and support. It can't work if the traffic is only one way.
Mr Ex (my name for my ex partner), our relationship was in a vacuum. I was so obliging and submissive, I was so accommodating, anticipating his every need. He lost respect for me and I was no longer the interesting, passionate and exciting woman he had initially fallen in love with. Note I was accommodating and nice, until I realised that I wasn't getting my needs met. And then I was passive aggressive and resentful while still being nice. I was a fool to think that because I was covering it up with niceness that Mr Ex didn't see it and feel it. There is likely a gender difference in how co-dependency manifests. So what it looked like for me, may not be how it presents in your relationship.
I am no expert in this area, my journey with co-dependency is a small act every day when I feel and see signs of it popping up. And it pops up with others I am not in an intimate relationship with, so there is plenty of people to practice on.
People have posted here that they view wife's behaviour as respectful (I affirm this too) , but there is something in wife's treatment. How and why did she become so disrespectful and disconnected from you? There is something in this I feel.
My feeling is, she doesn't know who your are. I wonder if wife trusts you? Generally codependency teaches our partners not to trust us, because what we do and what we say are often two different things. Who is the Mutatio your wife wants to respect, use to respect, the man she fell in love with. Co-dependency/Addiction makes us a shell or shadow of our most authentic self. Who is Mutatio in his authentic self? Does your wife know an authentic Mutatio?
I sense that your wife is responding to Mutatio she perceives/believes you are. The man who tolerates and is impacted by her disrespectful behaviour. The man who has likely curtailed or made himself small, because he was so scared of losing his wife, so busy proving he was worthy of his wife's presence and love.
When I see you post of other people's threads, I get such a sense of your masculinity, strength, wisdom, intellect and kindness. A man whose boundaries would be respected, a man that does not pander.
I feel that there is a need in you to fully stand in your masculinity when you're in wife's presence. It isn't a matter of stating it, it is matter of you fully experiencing your own male greatness while in her presence. Let her feel your sense of certainty about yourself. When women feel this, we know it and it is extremely powerful.
I hope it is ok to ask some questions. Feel free to ignore it. But I do wonder what your wife said about her feelings about wanting the divorce. Why does she want it? What is unfulfilled for her? Is it her? It is you? Is it both? Is there something else she wants to pursue. You may have said all of this, but I don't recall reading it.
Mutatio, feel free to ignore all of the above, they are mere reflections.
PS: I don't think Plan B is Plan B. My feeling is this is your souls work.
Hi JellyB, I love your questions. Please keep them comming.
How and why did she become so disrespectful and disconnected from you? We had a 3 year engagement and 3 years of marriage that were also great. After that it went down hill between kids and a job I hated. I drank to much and was not the father I should have been. I think there's noting left.
I wonder if wife trusts you? I think not. Not with her heart.
Who is Mutatio in his authentic self? I like to travel. I like to create things. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am sensitive but have built up walls for protection. I'm a good guy. I am drawn to mediation and Buddhism but am not interested in religion. I love working in the medium of metal. I love kinetic metal art, metal scupture and want to create it. I love the mountains. I love the desert. I love the high desert. I love the high altitude desert southwest.
Does your wife know an authentic Mutatio? I think so.
Why does she want it? She is indifferent to me.
What is unfulfilled for her? I don't know.
Is it her? She said to me 2 months ago that I am only her husband, not her partner, not her friend.
It is you? I think she has grown apart from me. She said we were young and in love with nothing else, now the love is gone and she feels indifferent about me.
Is it both? I want to make it work, I love her. She is done with me.
Is there something else she wants to pursue. She wants to work for intellectual stimulation and personally wants be alone to do what she wants to do.
I don't think Plan B is Plan B. My feeling is this is your souls work. It is the only thing of interest to me. I am doing time at work for my pension and have 2 1/2 years left till my youngest child is off to college. That's how long I thought I would work on my marriage.
I think I am still suffering from co-dependency. This is the chain that shackles me. I cannot hope to become my authentic self while enchained. So liberation is a primary goal. Please ask more JellyB, I think we have some things in common. Be well
I am living the quiet life. I am trying to focus on myself and stop thinking about my wife each day. I am very slowly getting better at it. She has pulled so far from me I feel like a stranger.
I am trying to search out any co-dependency habits I have still have. Looking at my moments of sadness as possible co-dependency issues has made me look at all emotional moments critically. This is okay, the process is put of my evolution.
Hi there Mutatio...I have not forgotten you, I have been rereading your threads to get a clearer picture on things. I would love to know more about your experience of CD habits. I fell into a CD hole yesterday in a work situation. Hit me hard. I would be happy to hear about your experiences in managing CD. Identifying your triggers and pattern.
I am not making excuses for what I did. I am responsible for my choices.
In the years that my wife lost her feelings for me I was to some extent depressed and felt trapped in my job. Because of that I self medicated with alcohol.
After 2008 I was so scared of losing my wife and feeling guilty about my bad behavior I became co-dependent. I tried to please her any way I could. I do all the cooking, drove the kids every where and household things like that. I remained depressed while becoming co-dependent.
I read Codependent No More a book by Melody Beattie after BD and my mental meltdown. My co-dependent behavior seems to be triggered by my fear of losing my wife and she divorcing me. I am getting better at it since you mentioned it in your post. I realized it when you mentioned it. I am getting better at managing it because there is very little chance of my wife choosing to remain with me. I believe she has given up on me and the marriage.
I will keep trying and hoping because the sun even shines on a dog's ass occasionally.
Mutatio, it sounds to me like you know your shortcomings. (Sounds eerily familiar to myself) knowing is half the battle. (G I Joe cartoon slogan from the 80s) but it is true. Now you know the issues, so you can continue taking steps to rid yourself of them. May or may not save your M, but will definately make you a better person. Keep it up, you are doing great!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Mutatio, if you think you can save your M, get behind the thought and make it so.
If you don't think you can save your M, get behind it and make it so.
Being blunt, you are saying one thing and doing another, in doing so you are dragging yourself through turmoil, which is making you even more sad. Does it make sense to continue this way? For what it's worth I don't think so as you are made of tougher stuff.
Where are you with your goals and your plans, do they need a refresh? Get your head out of your sitch and into making mutation even wiser and who knows what will happen, but it's bound to be for the better.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Thank you dday, I'm a work in progress, at least a piece of work.
Avanti, I don't know if I can save my marriage but I would like to. I am hedging my emotional bet by sitting on the fence. It's hard to know what to think. She will not talk to me and I am not going to pursue her. I guess it's time to fish or cut bait. I am going to try to save my marriage. Thank you Avanti.
I think my goals need to be refreshed. I've evolved to a different perspective.
Now you have made this decision, live by it! No more sitting on the fence, it makes your eyes water.
Get those goals entrenched and your plans defined then consult them regularly, not your feelings.
Inspire your W to want to be with you. Go mutatio!
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
We've said it before and we can say it again, we're both in similar boats. But let's also agree to be hell bent on being our best and looking our finest if the boats sink.
I hope that somewhere people get to read what you write with your name attached to it. Perhaps a best seller in the near future...
What are your goals my friend? I'm happy to help you. I'm also so sorry your W cannot see the majesty in you Mutatio.
I too was co dependent, I understand it. It's our worst nightmare come true to have to live through our, well, worst nightmare. I firmly believe that if we can survive this, we can survive anything. It's an opportunity to find all the ways that we hid behind the beauty of our wives and the comfort of their presence.
Take your work in the next few months seriously Mutatio, this is effort of the highest order. We are literally patching the holes that have grown in our spirits, that we ignored due to having W's and M's. Once patched though, we will be stronger than ever, and whole.
If you W doesn't want the strongest, most whole version of Mutatio, then she simply doesn't deserve your time and presence. Her loss.
Be well,
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 11/12/1506:31 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
