One thing that becomes clear in these situations is that our expectations about how long things should take, and the speed at which things move, are rarely in sync
Not that great a week, both professionally and personally.
Realised that the dinner with the ex thing is not working well. He is keeping me at arm's length again. Is it because of my phone usage?
I wonder why we keep going round and round in circles, pushing each other's buttons. We are still doing the pursuer and distancer dance thingy despite the divorce. Both of us still can't let go.
When I mentioned that we really shouldn't have any contact at all, since we did't have any obligations to, he panicked again.
When I tried to wish him well and urge him to move on with his life, he accused me of getting agitated and of spamming him again.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I must work harder at the being civil part, even though he tells me that he can't be nice to me, that it is all that he can do to just meet me after all that I had done to him.
I bristle whenever I hear that. I am sorry for the hurt I must have caused him unintentionally and trust me, every recollection of how I could have hurt him pains me.
I don't expect him to realise the hurt but to hear him say that it's a chore for him to meet me just tears me apart.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/25/1501:17 PM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
And I just realised that acts of service is really one of my main LL, if not the main one.
When he asked me what I had done for him the past 10 years, I crumbled. I had let him off extremely easy with the divorce, I don't hinder his access to kid. And now he still asks me this question.
I really feel like playing a snakes and ladders game of detachment. This is a big slide down for me.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Pursuit and distancing will continue after divorce until one of you breaks that cycle. The info on the forums is taken from 'The Solo Partner' and explains in detail more about this dynamic. It also explained how to break the cycle so that the dynamic can change. Its one of the more difficult and damaging dynamics a relationship can have. I realize it was present in my M also and it was me who was doing the distancing for most of our M and the roles swapped after BD.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg, have you managed to break the dance? How did you do it?
I have always been the pursuer during the M and after the D. I know that I will have to be the one to break the cycle.I always overestimate myself and think that I can do the detach with loving kindness but I am a long way from it.
I guess I will have to go dimmer but with kid around, I can't go full NC because of day to day logistics.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I don't think it's just about going dimmer or having NC, theres more to it but im still trying to figure it out. Honestly, I'm not sure I have broke this dynamic yet. I knew we had it at play afyer BD but I thought I was the pursuer and her the distance. That was just post-bd.
I've only just realized in the last day or two how throughout our M I was the distancer and she the pursuer. It somewhat connects the dots on the issues we have had in the past but I still don't exactly understand where that distancer quality comes from. I remember pursuit periods that I had but now I understand that's exactly what the distancer does. When the pursuer gives up pursuit the distancer pursues to drag the pursuer back into the cycle and then when he's being pursued again he distances. (Don't ask me why this happens,I just see that it does and we don't even realize it happening) This is exactly what is happening to you. The distancer has multiple ways to drag the purse back in and it's mostly up to the pursuer to do the work to resist. 10 months into BD and I'm just now understanding this. My W didnt really stop the cycle she just shifted it to a nee person. When I was reading the book I can see when I was doing these things to pull her back in but I didnt even understand I was doing it at the timd or after, until now. Maybe for the distancer recognizing this is a huge breakthrough.
Yes, as the pursuer you are the one who has to begin that cycle being broken. The book talks about this in detail. If W wouldn't have initiated BD I would still likely be full distancer and I see now how if she would have came back at any point since then we would have fallen back into that pursuit/distance role.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Could you propose something like: "If we're going to continue these dinners we need to make them a positive experience for our child. If we can't do that, then we should probably take a break until we both think that we can set aside our personal conflicts with each other."
Maybe even tell him you'd be open to going to counseling together to get help with stabilizing your communication and interactions for the sake of your child?
