After twice nearly separating and twice reconciling W has said she would be ok with me leaving the family home.
We last reconciled 10 months ago when W said she would put more effort into making Quality Time for Us. It lasted about 2 months before we started to backslide on our efforts. The fundamental reason for our problem was never sorted. We have had a sex starved marriage for about 7 years. Here is my first thread from 2012:
which led to me becoming a better person, doing Gal and eventually us reconciling…..it took about 6 months of very hard work and changes in me which I have kept. She gave me a list of improvements I needed to make – I agreed with all of the points. I had already spent the previous 6 months doing many of the things on the list such as getting physically fit, improving my appearance, Getting a Life, BUT BUT BUT we never addressed the intimacy, sex and quality time related issues which had affected us for years. We hardly ever argue or have heated discussions, we NEVER talk about R, we don’t convey our inner most feelings about each other. In the past I was guilty of passive aggressive behaviour whenever she complained and it led to her not complaining for years and the original BOMB. Since the first reconciliation I have grown as a person, am physically very fit, hardly ever do passive/aggressive behaviour and have learned to Listen, Listen, Listen to my W problems at work or with her female friends. One of things that really bugs me is that she never complains/moans about problems in our marriage. She keeps quiet, withdraws slowly over months and then withdraws completely, I confront her and threaten to leave. She calls my bluff and says I can leave. The last time this happened was late 2014 again I didn’t address the issues.
We have a recurring theme of not sorting out our Sex life, not talking about, W going cold, me confronting her (after another 6 months), and her saying ‘ILYBINILWY’ etc.
So what about the present sitch?? After the bust up one week ago I moved into the spare bedroom. I effectively withdrew my threat to leave and W hasn’t said she wants me to go – yet . She hasn’t mentioned separation or divorce either and hasn’t removed her wedding ring. She did remove it back in 212, but did not in 2014. I boxed her into a corner and she called my bluff and asked me to leave. There were no tears or emotion from her – which is a bad sign.
The crux of the matter is that she believes the ‘spark has gone’ ‘there is no connection’ ‘we are like brother and sister’ ‘I Love You but as a good friend’ ‘I loved you in London and its not the same ‘(this means pre-children when we were unconditionally in love). It’s the same list of complaints that she had 7 years back, and in 2012 and 2014.
The big difference between the original sitch and 2014 and now is that I am a much better person to be with. I am her soulmate and companion but not her lover.
She is very sociable always organising things for her and the kids to do but all of them usually involve other families. We don’t do much just as a family unit. I find this frustrating as I value quality time with just her and also with the kids.
I have read SSM and the problem with SSM is it is geared for couples who are still willing to work on the marriage either on the Low desire or High Desire side. There isn’t much one can do by oneself. My conclusion is that W has got what she wants. Coparenting without the tension from a lack of Sex and real Intimacy. I am still there for the children and to help with the chores etc but as a co-parent and not a H. She has detached herself from me, not ringing me or texting me, and organising a social life without me.
Only a few weeks ago our Relationship was seemingly good except for the tensions surrounding Sex and Intimacy. I got an anniversary card addressed to a Wonderful Husband and signed I Love You only 4 weeks ago.
Her primary Love language is Physical touch and I think she has felt unloved in this respect for many many years (with a few months of respite after each reconciliation – a mini honeymoon period). My primary LL is Quality Time again something the R has been lacking for years. It’s the chicken and egg syndrome: lack of sex leads to distancing which leads to less quality time which leads to less intimacy….etc etc.
We have both been asking for our Primary Love language and not getting it.
If I ask for an R talk she will say, ‘I haven’t loved you for years’ ’we are like brother and sister’ ’your not the same man I fell in love with’ ’ILYBINILWY’ . She will also say she has gone the extra mile twice and it has made no difference. She has been unhappy (unloved) for years and does not want to chance being hurt again so will live in an non-sexual marriage for the sake of the children.
So what to do:
There are fundamental problems in our marriage which I would like to fix: 1. More frequent and better quality sex 2. More general intimacy and sharing our feelings as we used to do when ‘in love’ 3. More quality time together – 4. I need to initiate sex
To me this seems easy to start. Just get started and work on it. WITH A PLAN. Something we have never done before. W will see this as not workable as we have talked about this for years and got nowhere. She just wants to be happy. If I argue and reason I will get nowhere.
I am going to counselling independently (W doesn’t know) which helps me mentally. Counselling has been mentioned before over the years but firstly I rejected it and secondly she rejected it when I wanted it. I have Got a Life. I need to work on a few points: I need to love my kids better as this part suffers when R is in trouble. I need to be more fun as again this part of me suffers when R is in trouble.
How do I get W to work again on our marriage? I need patience, patience and more patience but its eating me up inside. Any advice is very welcome.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/12/1510:17 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Tonight we had an R talk even before I had a chance to post the above.
W laid it on the line that we should separate and I needed to move out. She wants a Divorce.
We had a long talk with just a little emotion – no raised voices/arguments just some emotion. She never even cried. She stated how she hadn’t loved me for years and had only reconciled previously to give Us one last chance and for the ‘sake of the children’ and how she needs to be happy. She has spent years making everyone else (me and the kids) happy at the expense of her own happiness and it was time to end it. She wants to be happy and not with me.
She acknowledged that I had changed for the better for the last 4 years and had Got a Life and was a more rounded individual but that didn’t change how she felt about me – She doesn’t love me and hasn’t for a long time.
I tried to argue/reason that things were much better over the last 4 years but we had never addressed the fundamental problems of a sex starved marriage. She insisted it was too late, she Loved me but was not in Love with me, and definitely did not want to have sex with me.
We talked about counselling (she was surprised that I had been to see a counsellor this last 2 weeks). She said it wouldn’t help. Love was long gone. She didn’t want to have sex with me. I said counselling would not help unless we both wanted it. She said how she felt happy that I had confronted our sitch last week and for the first time in a long time she was happy. (A few days of release) Then at the weekend she had come crashing down and the situation with me in the spare room was making her more unhappy and it couldn’t continue.
I asked for one last chance (I know it was pleading but I had no choice) I asked for 6 weeks and her to be open about counselling and for us to go to counselling either together or separate.
She said I couldn’t just go and google fix marriage problems and it would be all fixed.She knows I have read some self-help books
I talked about how our marriage was sex starved and and had been for years and it was my mainly my fault. She said some of the blame was hers and I shouldn’t just blame myself.
Eventually we were both emotionally drained and couldn’t talk anymore, we finished a few chores, put the kids to bed and ended the evening talking a little (Not about R) and watching The Walking Dead which sums up how I feel.
Please help! I am utterly heartbroken and utterly drained.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Ghost56 - thanks for the thoughts. I wish I wasnt here but I am.
One 'new' complaint that came out of tonights discussion is that W always had to fix our problems especially regarding Sex.
She talked out the lack of sex, how sex was boring, she didnt want it on Saturday morning as it was too predictable, that she bought the sex toys and suggested new underwear. None of it made a difference. I agreed with her and validated her feelings and said it was true she had tried very very hard
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
and how do I get rid of the smiley face next to my name?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
- Being a better Father for my 2 sons - this has already been noticed by W - I cuddle and kiss them goodnight and have been more affectionate. - Some DIY jobs around the house - detaching - read about it and implement it - becoming less available to the W. - Appearing As If I'm Happy - more exercise (though I am already very fit) - getting the most from my counselling sessions - W asked when my next one was - It is Wednesday - I brought it forward one day - Reading this forum
I will add to this when my head gets straight.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Well, I know you didn't take my advice the first time you were here. Did you take Bond's advice and get you and your W into MC when your first reconciled, or did you tune that out also?
If this is happening on an average of once a year, there is a much more serious problem than what you seem to think. If the larger percent of her complaints is about sex, then I suspect when she returned from her trip and "suddenly" had changed her mind about R........there was more than met the eye. Especially when she gave you a time limit. That's the same as placing you on probation.
So, what do you plan to do differently this time around..........or do you plan to do anything differently than past times?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You have a long memory and were correct of course.
Sadly the fundamental issue of our marriage was not addressed after Reconciling - a sex starved marriage. I should have insisted on MC and worked things through with W. Instead I got caught in 2nd Honeymoon syndrome.
Things are at a low ebb even lower than 2012 so what can I do differently or the same?
After tonight there will be no more pursuing or reasoning or pleading. I will concentrate on validation (i'm good at it) and much more eye contact. I need to set three simple goals I need to concentrate on the welfare of our Boys. I want to get the most out of my MC - meeting on Wed I need to eat well - lost 7 pounds in a week Exercise to reduce stress/anxiety Not mention R or look for temperature check Try to work out how i can become the best Man in her eyes(Not H)
More after some sleep
Sandie - thanks for reading - it helps to know someone is out there.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
3 hour sleep now wide awake. A few things she said.
She knows I love her but she doesn’t love me.
At one stage she was willing to stay together until the boys were grown up and left home – another 7-8 years – but not anymone – she wants happiness.
I asked about January when we sent each other flirty picture messages – sexy photos in underwear – she said it lasted a week – she is right.
I said I regarded her cards to me, Xmas, Valentines, Birthday in May, Anniversary in Sept as temperature checks on our marriage – she wrote in all of them – I Love You. The last one in early Sept said ‘To my Wonderful Husband’ on the front and inside she wrote ‘To my Darling Ian With lots of Love on Our Anniversary! I Love You xxxxxxx
Just words I know.
I know I should ignore all she says – she wants out.
The last 4 years she knows that I've loved her as I can but she hasn't loved me back. She cant love me. Its gone. She has tried and tried.
I think it is lack of sex and real intimacy were we share our inner most thoughts - in that sense last night was more intimate than any other for years.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
