waves

[mleigh4]

Calm....Definitely not my best trait. It's the Sicilian in me, but seriously, it's one of the biggest things I have been trying to change about myself. Along with assuming and reacting. I am better, but still very much a work in progress.

One thing I know for sure, I have been putting way too much focus on H lately. I have had no reply to my last TM to him about splitting things at home, and have had no contact since he dropped off dog Tuesday morning. I am, however, planning my next step in setting boundaries by claiming my own space, you guys have given me great advice. Just working out how to approach it with him. Also going to put away a few more things of his....I feel like I have grieved my old H, done some healing, and now it's time to put some reminders of him away.

Home alone tonight with no son, so getting ready to take dog for a walk, then do some yoga before bed.

I have some exciting things coming up. S and I normally take the RV each year to a KOA Halloween weekend trip in October. This year, S said he just isn't in to it anymore and that he doesn't want to go. I love this trip, but it's true that many of our friends no longer go. So instead, we have decided to have our own Halloween/fall kick off with a house party! S is going to invite some buddies to sleep over, the house will be decked out with all our decorations, and I am going to make some fun creepy finger foods. S said I could invite some of my own friends, as long as we don't bother him! Lol. Is he 8 or 16??? I am really looking forward to this.

I also have always wanted to take cooking classes. They just never seem to fit in with my schedule with work and son. So I found some online classes that look really fun. I am going to start this weekend and S can't wait to be my guniea pig!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh-same with me. I have become reactive over the years. It has been one of the biggest changes I need to make in myself.

Your upcoming plans sound amazing!

[job]

I think the Halloween bash will be fun and something new and exciting for both you and your son. The cooking classes sound like fun and you can do them right in your own home when you have the time. You sound like you are getting your GAL activities all lined up for fall!

You probably won't hear from your h for a bit because you called him out on taking stuff. He's got to sulk a bit and allow "mom" to cool down and forget about it before he has contact w/you again.

[mleigh4]

Journaling a little....

After thinking and thinking about it this week, I brought a box home from work and packed a few things of H. We have a big shelf unit in the office and it was packed full of pictures of our 15 years along with a ton of knick knacks. I packed his Harley and hockey trinkets. Also, pics of his parents and grandparents....basically just the items that solely belong to him. I cleaned up and left our dating and vacation pictures along with momentoes from our trips. I am not ready to put those away yet.

It felt a little weird... yet right. I do worry what he would think or feel about it if he noticed. I am not looking to hurt him or make him feel forced out. It's not out of anger, it's more of a need for closure, or one step towards it. I don't want any of this to be happening, I still hope to someday have H and all his things home someday, with us both being new and better people. For now, the truth is H left me 2 years ago and is not showing a sign he is coming back home. For my own day to day peace, I need his things away. I look at it and think, it's like a memorial or something, but then other times, it was a comfort...IDK....I will let it sit and see how it feels.

I put the box in the spare room closet along with some of the clothes he left in the master closet. If it begins to make me feel unsettled or it feels wrong, I can always put some things back.

On a better note, the heatwave has passed and cooler weather is here. S and I are enjoying our Saturday

[job]

I think you did the right thing in packing up a few of his things. They are reminders of what you had and until he gets himself together, it's best to put those reminders away in a box and up on a shelf.

You will know when the time is right to pack up the rest of the reminders.

Enjoy your Sunday!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. Enjoy my Sunday I did! I actually did some additional cleaning and organizing in the office, I packed a box of books to donate and hung some pictures where I took down H Harley pics. So now it is more about overdue cleaning and organizing in that room, not just putting away things that belong to H.

I also looked up some daybed with trundle beds, to replace the bed I will return to FIL. I am excited about changing and updating that room as well. I have some good projects to keep me busy through the fall

I hope you had a good weekend as well.

[mleigh4]

MIL emailed me a flyer today on an upcoming 10 week program run by the police department that had the heading, "Does your child have behavior problems?" It went on to talk about gangs, drug use, etc. Instead of getting mad, as I usually would do, I actually burst out laughing at work. I have posted before, she loves sending me case study links and seminar information on parenting on a consistent basis. You know, I guess the fact that I have a straight A student and well behaved child calls for this?

Anyway, I finally did what I have been wanting to do for years. Instead of hitting delete, I politely responded to please take me off her email list.

FIL is coming Wednesday to get his bed. I offered to take it, but he wants to come see me and son and take us out to dinner. I am so happy to be getting that bed out of here!!!

After NC with H for a week, had a quick and pleasant drop off with S tonight. H did not pay his part of the credit card bill last month, I let him know, he seemed surprised and confused. No big, he will pay the interest due. His first financial slip, must have gotten sidetracked with his sister drama.

[mleigh4]

Just got an email from MIL, intended for H, but sent to me. It whined that I asked her to remove me from her email list. She added, "I guess she thought the class was aimed at her?? I should have added if you know of any friends that would find this helpful?? I am guilty of not reading the entire thing....oh well"

Then, after realizing what she did, I got a 2nd email saying the last one was intended for H. (BUSTED!!!) She went on to apologize, saying the class was not aimed at me. That it was an innocent mistake meant for me to forward on to anyone I might know and that she was sorry for upsetting me and removed my work email from her list.

I am just simply tired of her stupid "case study" and parenting emails, simple as that!

Caught red handed running to H about me and fueling the fire, just as I have always suspected.

I am not responding to anything. So silly, all of it, huh?

[job]

You've been a busy lady! I can understand the overdue cleaning and once you get started, you'll continue on from one room to the next. I'm sure your FIL will be very happy to spend time w/you and your son.

As for your MIL....busted! Talk about back paddling. LOL! I'm sure she didn't realize until later what she had done and I bet she couldn't believe what she had done. You have to shake your head and keep moving forward. I'm sure your request to be removed from the email list will be done very quickly now. LOL!

Enjoy your week! Good luck "bed shopping".

[mleigh4]

FIL came by last night to get his bed. I cannot express how happy I am that that thing is out of here. FIL and I were taking the bed apart and he said, I asked H to come over and help. I stopped in my tracks and blurted, I wish you hadn't. He said, I am 72 years old. I told him, look, I can carry this down in pieces. I am stronger than I look, don't worry, I will take care of it. I caught myself panic, I don't want H here, but I played it cool. FIL called H and let him know. I walked away as to not hear their conversation, but when I walked back in FIL was saying something about moving something to the new place. Trying not to think too much about what they were referring to, could be anything. I have to say, it felt fantastic taking that bed away piece by piece, it was like a cleansing for my soul.

Overall, being nervous about seeing FIL, it went ok. No talk whatsoever about H. Filled him in on everything new in my world.

I have realized a couple of things this week about myself...

For one, I realize that each of these steps I am taking, packing away H items, getting rid of the bed, I picture a page turning in my mind. I am ending a chapter in my life and these steps are closure for me. I have more to go, but it fills like a release in a way. I suppose it's like the death of a spouse. Once you accept and grieve the death of that relationship, the steps are very similar. My old marriage is dead and over, time to let it go.

The other thing I realize is why I avoid FIL and MIL so much. It seems I can't do a single thing without them running it through with H! The email thing, the bed, those were things between me and them, no reason whatsoever to involve H. I found myself watching everything I said last night to FIL. As Job has said before, blood is thicker than water, I will just continue to keep my distance for now.