Could you guys and gals help me understand that perspective or point me toactually a book or thread? Because I really am having a hard time with that then. I cant figure out her perspective of me at all.
The best help in your situation would be to click on Sandi's username and begin reading her posts. She will give you the perspective of a wayward wife. It is very helpful information, and almost spot on for how most women in affairs behave.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
I am reading her posts every free bit I get. I just havent found anything about how she perceived her H or how a WW perceives her H. As a former WW, I really value her insight on sich's like mine.
Just keep going through them. There are like 1120 pages of posts. You will start getting into some good stuff within the first 50-60 pages.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
From the post on newcomer LBH to a WW....Ive bolded some of the ones that I thought apply in this situation you just described.
*She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same. *No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows. *She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you. *She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums. *Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment. *You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk. *Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her. *She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again. *She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A. *She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it. *She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs. *She will bait her H, and test him. *She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached. *She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out. *She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking. *Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away. *She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue. *She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions. * Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions. *She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest. *She sees her H as the enemy. *She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog. * She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.
Could you guys and gals help me understand that perspective or point me toactually a book or thread? Because I really am having a hard time with that then. I cant figure out her perspective of me at all.
As helpful as the posts can be... I would stick with her 37... Pour your energy on that and get to a point you know it front to back .... Then start on the validation thread from wonka
Truth is your WW will feel what she is going to feel, you can read till your eyeballs drop Out of your head but it's more important you channel that energy more into improving yourself and the things within your control rather than it is to waste that trying to 'figure her out' or getting her to 'snap out of it'
Above is the link to my thread about WW's. I think it would probably be more beneficial to what you are seeking, than maybe trying to sort through my old personal threads.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did a lot of reading on the board last night, and came to realize my biggest enemy right now is myself and a lack of detachment from my W. I realize I can't truly work on myself when I am hanging on her every action looking for the deeper meaning or trying to find hope that my M will work.
So while I have started dimming the lights with my W. The best thing I can do for myself right now is to detach as best as I can. My goal for the week is to remain dim and to work on detaching further.
As always thanks guys and gals for helping me find y way through this troubling time in my life.
Here's a copy about detaching. It's similar to what Cadet posted.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for this sandi2. I was reading the detachment thread, but hadn't seen those yet. I know I am still somewhat attached, but I am working on it. I need to do it for my own sanity and Peace of Mind.
