My 180 was shutting off my xbox and phone games and trying to focus on her and the kids.
And any time I bring up anythong like that (turning off her phone since she is using it for OM, D or custody of kids after) she gets very angry and starts yelling "well do it, file, I'm ready"(D) or "ill just go get a phone on my mothers plan, she already offered"(phone) or "I wont do split custody, Im moving out if the state" (kids)
And no as it stands my GAL is 0. I sit at home do cjores and try to watch Game of Thrones until O cant take it anymorr and go bug her
And my only goal since BD has been to try and save my M. I know it is out of ny hands now, but it is so hard to leave it be.
My 180 was shutting off my xbox and phone games and trying to focus on her and the kids.
OK...thats one. But thats not enough! What else are you doing. What else did she complain about? What else do you think isnt good?
CaliGuy talks about making 3 lists. 1) Things your W complains about 2) Things you dont like about yourself 3) Things you admire in other guys
I'd make these lists, and then you try to replace the qualities in you that reside in lists 1 + 2 with those from list 3.
Also, the 180 cant be to pend more time with HER. She doesnt want that. But spend time with your kids!
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
And any time I bring up anythong like that (turning off her phone since she is using it for OM, D or custody of kids after) she gets very angry and starts yelling "well do it, file, I'm ready"(D) or "ill just go get a phone on my mothers plan, she already offered"(phone) or "I wont do split custody, Im moving out if the state" (kids)
Nope. Dont bring it up. Dont try to force your changes on her. Dont try to get HER to change. Just change, and let her do her.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
And no as it stands my GAL is 0. I sit at home do cjores and try to watch Game of Thrones until O cant take it anymorr and go bug her
So how are you going to fix that? Whats the difference between watching TV and playing video games?
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
And my only goal since BD has been to try and save my M. I know it is out of ny hands now, but it is so hard to leave it be.
Thats fine to be your overall goal. As MWD writes, thats the hole. But thats 30 feet away. Lets start by aiming 2 feet away. What "mini-goals" are you going to set for yourself that will get you closer to that goal? Use the exercise I wrote about ^^^ to get those planned.
That actually is a good idea about the lists. Ill try to write one out tonight after the kids go to bed.
Her biggest complaint was always the lack of time and activities between us.
Also that would be a 180 for me to actually go out and GAL. I havent gone out without her in probably 2 years. Probably never in my adult life if you take away goung yo my friends to hang out.
Would that be a good thing to do? Or would that piss her off more? Or should I care at this point?
Sorry if my questions seem stupid. I just really am going atthe this very blindly.
Her biggest complaint was always the lack of time and activities between us.
Also that would be a 180 for me to actually go out and GAL. I havent gone out without her in probably 2 years. Probably never in my adult life if you take away goung yo my friends to hang out.
Would that be a good thing to do? Or would that piss her off more? Or should I care at this point?
Yeah, but she doesnt want to spend time with you now. So pushing her to do it isnt valuable. BUT going out and making new friends and doing new things will help rebuild your confidence, will help your PMA, and those are both very good things. And it will keep your mind occupied so you dont go bug your W.
I found a turtle at work we are going to take to back animal rehab center tomorrow (it's eyes are damaged), and when i got home she proceeds to cuddle up to me and wants to look at turtles and talk about getting one and just having a nice conversation. She was very sweet and nice, it almost felt like things were good. She is texting him again now though.
Was that temp checking? Is she conflicted? How do I take actions like that where she initiates it? I did not start the conversation and had planned on giving her the space she seemed to want so badly last night. Any opinions would be appreciated.
Honestly, my biggest regret will be that it feels like I have done this to myself and now that I am trying full force to be a good husband I am only succeeding in pushing her away and making her more angry. I know Im early on in the whole thing, but it still feels like everything I do matter and could be the difference between D and R.
If you have read my first thread on WW's, then you know that this ^^^ does push her further away. As Azzork has said, she's fired you as her H. She doesn't want you to show her what a great H you can be........now. She is done. The harder you try to be what she wanted you to be in the past, the harder she will fight you, b/c it ticks her off.
I think this is a difficult concept for some LBH'S. They are finally awake and ready to do anything to save the M. However, it is too late to use the old methods he might have used when she still wanted the M. He has to change the dynamics by changing methods.
Quote:
I found a turtle at work we are going to take to back animal rehab center tomorrow (it's eyes are damaged), and when i got home she proceeds to cuddle up to me and wants to look at turtles and talk about getting one and just having a nice conversation. She was very sweet and nice, it almost felt like things were good. She is texting him again now though.
Was that temp checking? Is she conflicted? How do I take actions like that where she initiates it? I did not start the conversation and had planned on giving her the space she seemed to want so badly last night. Any opinions would be appreciated.
These type of situations can really confuse a newcomer. My advice is to not read anything into it. The WW can act as if she has a split personality at times. Yes, she could have been temp checking, or she may have wanted the cuddling. Who knows? Some WW's continue to have sex with the LBH, but she still doesn't want to be M to him.
If you intend for your plan to be effective, then you have to apply it during these short lived moments, instead of reading some kind of meaning into it.
My interpretation of going dark is when the WW sees nothing and hears nothing, whatsoever, from the LBH. How can you go dark with four little kids? In trying to act "dark" while under the same roof, it basically just makes you appear as though you are angry and sulking. My advice is to fully apply the 37 rules and detach. If you can lick that much.......I don't think you'll have to worry about going dark.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi2 for the advice. And Im actually on the 4th set of your WW threads. I am trying to apply the rules but struggle sometimes. Especially after we have moments like that or today when we took the turtle and went to the park with the kids. She didnt text him the whole time until we were leaving the park.
It is times like these that I struggle the most. I get hurt when reality sets back in and it becomes clear that she doesnt want to be with ne right now.
She want to be with him and follow that road til it is dead. The OM seems to be set in for the long haul too. That is when the fear is the strongest and the pain it's worst. Because the OM doesnt care that he is destroying a family. She doesn't care about us being a family. All I want is my W back. I know I'm in for a long winter. And I'm sure if/when we S the pain will be stronger than ever.
I just have to detach better, but it is hard realizing what a great W I had. Seeing her beautiful self around me and wanting to kiss and hold her, but knowing I cant. I just hate that I am left to wait and see what happens, and hope that things will work out for us.
I hope it happens before they meet and it becomes a PA. That will be my breaking point. I just fear that no matter what, that will happen, and I will have to firgive an entirely different entity. I don't know if I could. Not after seeing all that they have messaged. I would constantly worry about what happened between them to
How should I handle my W's Naps and sleeping in? She naps every afternoon and Sleeps way in in the weekends. Now I must say she is a Diabetic so some of it could be her Blood Sugar, but I also know that most nights she stays up until at least 3 am talking to OM.
I don't want to be an a-hole and push her away, but I also feel it is a bit of cake eating to let her nap when she stays up late talking to OM.
Her regular nap time is about 3-6 pm. Usually i get off work about 4. Sometimes I work later that that. But usually she ties the youngest 3 into their rooms for "nap" (the twins don't nap and just destroy their room) (my s1 still naps tho) and then she gives the tablet to my d4 to occupy her abd proceeds to nap herself.
Often lately I come home to a house in complete dissaray with food obviously taken from the cabinets or fridge by the children and not her. All the while she is in the MBR sleeping. Stains on the carpet and toys everywhere (I wonder if she actually does anything while I'm at work but talk to OM) She usually wakes up if I make noise cleaning the mess, but goes right back to sleep after she sees me.
If i ask her if she has done anything with the kids during the day she gets very angry and exclaims that the house was clean an hour ago. So i have stopped asking.
