The capable as a parent part I have proven to myself. My W naps every afternoon from when i get home til dinner(I guess all her late night phone calls with her BF/OM get to her) So I am alone with them all afternoon and do fine.
Not sure what you are doing with them....but I mean going out and getting things done - shopping, outings, etc.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
My main trouble is after the kids go to bed, I wind up eventually pestering my W to try to spend some time together and it does nothing but piss her off most of the time.
[quote=Sorgan]I am afraid to go out and do things after they go to bed because I dont want to worsen things with my W. I can't leave well enough alone it seems most of the time. She has said she wants nothing at all to do with me ever again, that our bridge is destroyed and she has no interest in trying to buold a new one, and she never wants to see me again after the D. No one has filed yet though. I just am so fearful of losing her, but the reality is that I am probably going to.
Answer me honestly: how much WORSE can your situation get than what I marked in blue?
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
I don't know how most SOs are at this point. Especially WAWs(?) Not sure if she is that or what she is anymore. I have realized she isnt a WW though now. She is too into having a relationship with OM and shows no desire to want to R with me. She says that our M was over before OM.
Im not sure youre understanding correctly. By having OM, she is the definition of a WW...
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
I guess I need to grow a pair and actually get out of the house to see if that would help.
Its about doing what works. Its not about being a man. Its about finding a healthy way to deal with the pain you are going through so that you dont do things that you will regret later.
I usually take the to the park every other day now. Not as much this week. I havent done shopping or anything much in those lines with them, but we have gotten out of the house just the 5 of us.
It cant get worse than that to me. I am still in a bit of denial that it won't happen, but that is the worst it could get.
She has said she was unhappy for probably about the last two years. I just never listened or thought she was mad because we were fighting. The OM has only been in the picture for about a month, but she considers herself his gf and our M is already over.
Honestly, my biggest regret will be that it feels like I have done this to myself and now that I am trying full force to be a good husband I am only succeeding in pushing her away and making her more angry. I know Im early on in the whole thing, but it still feels like everything I do matter and could be the difference between D and R.
I usually take the to the park every other day now. Not as much this week. I havent done shopping or anything much in those lines with them, but we have gotten out of the house just the 5 of us.
Thats a start. Time to start showing that you can go to more difficult places. The grocery store. Out to dinner. To the library. Stuff like that.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
It cant get worse than that to me. I am still in a bit of denial that it won't happen, but that is the worst it could get.
She has said she was unhappy for probably about the last two years. I just never listened or thought she was mad because we were fighting. The OM has only been in the picture for about a month, but she considers herself his gf and our M is already over.[/qupte] Its easy for her to rewrite history. And common. Dont beat yourself up over it. Read the LBH threads by Sandi2.
[quote=Sorgan]Honestly, my biggest regret will be that it feels like I have done this to myself and now that I am trying full force to be a good husband I am only succeeding in pushing her away and making her more angry. I know Im early on in the whole thing, but it still feels like everything I do matter and could be the difference between D and R.
A few things:
1) You didnt do this by yourself. It takes 2 people to bring down a marriage. Figure out your part and clean it up. Learn from the mistakes you made and figure out how to correct those things about yourself.
2) STOP trying to be a great husband. Youve been fired as a hasband. Be a great dad, a great man, a great person. But your job is no longer as husband.
3) Everything you do DOES make a difference. But not to HER. It does for your growth. It does for your R with your kids. But she is not looking to you to be her husband anymore, so you dont need to be. Anything you do as a "husband" will just add to her resentment.
Lets be clear. There is nothing you can say or do today that will snap her out of her fog. You are in this for the long haul, Sorgan.
You played a part in the breakdown of your M but always remember that there are 2 people involved. You can own your half, but the rest is on your W. She made vows to you on your wedding day to love, honor, and cherish til death, but she bails out when things get a little rocky, while you are still trying.
Yes, your W is a WW, by definition. She has checked out, moved on and does not want you as a H right now. That doesn't mean she will feel that way forever. Do you think that she married you years ago, but didn't truly love you and planning to hang on just until someone better came along? Of course not. How she feels today doesn't mean she will feel the same next week, next month, or next year. For now though, you need to give her the space she is asking for. Quit trying to be her H. She fired you from that job. Focus on you, and detach from WW. Nobody knows what the future holds, but you need to take actions now to make sure that you will be OK regardless of what WW does.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I just want to say thanks to you two first thing. Talking to you guys is helping me not to text her, which isnt what she wants or what i should be doing.
I understand about the it takes two to crumble a M, but she tried for years to get me to talk to her and spend time with her. I can see that now that I am out of my fog, but now she is buried in hers.
She says her love for me died over the years as I check out on my xbox. I just have such a hard time with the thought that me ignoring her completely will do anything to help my M. I know the techniques here are for me mainly, not my M. I just have such a hard time with them because all I want is to fix this, and that is out if my hands now.
I am going to try to do something by myself tonight. I have some extra cash from selling my xbox. So I'm going to try to get out of the house.
It is a difficult concept to grasp, that leaving WW alone is for the best, especially when you have a history of that as a problem. The reality is that the dynamics of the sitch have changed. You coming after WW isn't going to do anything but push her further awayaway. She doesn't want you to chase her. It's going to hurt you, hurt your chances of a R, and just make your W resent you even more. It will be hard to stick to this at first, but it's what is best for you and gives your M the best shot. Getting out of the house is a good idea. If you can meet some friends or family, even better. Try to do something you really enjoy or get around some people you can open up with. I've found that talking with others really helps me not focus on my own problems. Hang in there. It's a long journey ahead and you are just taking the first steps.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I understand about the it takes two to crumble a M, but she tried for years to get me to talk to her and spend time with her. I can see that now that I am out of my fog, but now she is buried in hers.
Would you get mad at a carpenter that built a chitty house if he had no nails? You didnt have the tools you needed to build a healthy M. Thats what this is about...learning for the future.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
She says her love for me died over the years as I check out on my xbox. I just have such a hard time with the thought that me ignoring her completely will do anything to help my M. I know the techniques here are for me mainly, not my M. I just have such a hard time with them because all I want is to fix this, and that is out if my hands now.
Unfortunately, there isnt anything to fix. Except for you. You arent getting out of the house to repair your marriage. Youre going out to repair the damage youve done to you. Im sure you can see the difference between sitting and playing xbox and going out to a meetup group to meet new friends.
This is going to be counterintuitive. But its what works.
I am going to try. Because so far while there were brief moments it seemed to help, for the most part trying to spend time with her has pushed her away. I know I will struggle with this part the most. Like you said it is very counter intuitive. I will probably stumble at it, but I am going to try to be more active on the board to help me stay away from her.
I am just gripped with fear and pain and loneliness when im not around her. It is hard opening your eyes to see the amazing person you had by your side walking away and not caring.
I would like to ask how dark should I be to her at this point? And other than GAL and giving her space is there anything else I should be or could be doing?
I would like to ask how dark should I be to her at this point? And other than GAL and giving her space is there anything else I should be or could be doing?
Theres only so dark that you can go. You have 4 little kids and are living together. In my opinion, you only really need to talk about the kids/schedules and the finances/house. Otherwise, Id really only talk about inane topics like youd discuss with a friendly neighbor....the weather, tv shows, etc.
As for other things. Well....have you started working on you yet? Have you set goals? Do you have some 180s you are working on?
