A lot of the D'ed folks I talk to say that it is probably unrealistic to be friends w/ an ex for a long while, and you should be happy that you are able to sit together at your kid's even without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
It is one of the things I wonder if WASs really grasp.
Not fun. Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am not rude but just look through her at this point. I am introducing myself like crazy, smiling and talking to the teachers a lot. I want to know what is going on homework wise, I am a room partent for the my S10's class. I take pictures of the class boards, homework assignments, anything I can do to stay on top of their school so their work does not suffer.
I don't introduce her and try to stay away from her, as much as possible. I was thankful that last night was calm and she did not cause a scene with asking kids to go home with her. After I was finished, I just calmly got the kids from the after school program, signed them out and left. No discussion, no questions, no affirmations, nothing.
She was not at school this morning, thankfully.
You know I could deal with her wanting to split up, I get that and can acccept it. I have accepted it. What I can't accept is how cold and mean and calculated it all was. The lies, the deceit the cowardliness, the threats, the manipulations, all of it leaves a sick feeling in my stomach. I am sure it is a feeling that any LBS knows all too well.
Anyway - today is a new day, cary on. Focus on work.
Thanks for your comments. It was akward and uncomortable the entire time. We did not sit together, just sort of passed each other at the event. I don't know what my problem is, but I swear to God I cannot look at her.
I don't know if it is I am too upset, too frustrated, too sad or just too shattered. Whatever it is, I just can't. I feel so cheated by all of this. Cheated out of what I thought was going to be the best years - raising our kids together. As a gay couple, we worked really hard to have these children, spent years trying. No, it's just "oh well, I changed my mind." Just like that. Just like a puff of smoke.
Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it, hopefully time will continue to help me with these issues.
I get where you are coming from, and I think most of us (I know I do for sure) struggle with those same feelings. And they are really sh*tty feelings.
Would it change how you felt if she had died?
In other words, is it that the world isn't being fair as you believe it should, or is it that she did this to you? Makes a difference in how you approach it.
But one thing is common in those two alternatives that is worth noticing: you are powerless in both those stories about your life. That impotence can be maddening and scary for someone used to feeling in control (or the need for some of us to really feel in control is a defense against feeling the fear and anxiety of being impotent at times). Can you re-frame your view of your sitch that sees you having some power over your future? Not full control, but power to alter its course more in keeping with your desires? You may not yet, so don't worry if you really can't. Just let that seed lay fallow for a while. I suspect it will sprout & bear fruit.
It's been a rough few days. I hope that passes for you soon.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You are always so compassionate, thank you for that.
If she had died, yes it would change my feelings. I would be still grieving as I am now, and probably upset that my life was not how I planned but I would not think negatively of her. I would imagine it would not have been her choice to have died. I am picturing a car wreck or cancer.
She chose to walk out on me and our kids physically and financially and ended our way of life unilaterally with no warning or even a chance to work it out. She chose herself.
She was calculated and merciless in her betrayal, She was and continues to be unspeakably hurtful and is angry with me for not just "getting over it." She is angry with me for my grief.
That makes me very frustrated, angry, scared, sad, and bewildered all at the same time. I do not feel safe when I am around her, I do not trust her.
As for feeling powerless, I do not want to give her any more power over me. I don't want to be a victim and right now the only way I know how not to be a victim is to not engage with her.
Does that reframe things in my mind? I don't know. Does that give me some sense of power by refusing to engage with he? I guess some. You would probably say it is a passive agressive way of demonstrating my hurt. Maybe it is. But I honestly do not know any other way of dealing.
And at soccer practice for s10 out of nowhere shows W10. Again my week, but kids were happy to see her. I was surprised. We did not talk. And now my s10 tells me she will show up at scout meetining tonight. Jeez.
I guess I should be pleased that she is making an effort and showing up at kids events but it's just weird that she just appears. Whatever.
After consideration of everything that has been going on, W seems to want to normalize this as much as possible and I guess I can't fault her for wanting to do that. If I were in her shoes, that is what I would try to do as well.
Is she trying to reintegrate herself into family life with the recent apperances at soccer practice and scouting? Why does she continue to text me with odd requests? She wants to do scheduling for games on my calendar, she wants to know where X is, she wanted me to know XXX.
All I can think to do is just carry on, demonstrate that I am a confident and loving mom and we are fine without her.
Vanilla suggested I ask you about this situation, please see below and any help or advice is muchly appreciated: Questions for the board:
So W is working now full time and has our 3 D's pretty much full time. I see them a couple of days a week until things get settled. I have really been easy going on the whole thing thinking that she may have a change of heart and want to work it out. I now realize that this is out of the question. Now that I have given up on that idea I actually feel a lot better. I am focussing on my D's a lot more and want to increase the amount of time I spend with them and they stay over with me. In the past I hadn't pushed it too much because I didn't want to make W angry. She had used them against me a few times to get me to meet with L and mediators faster. I am really seeing what an evil person she is capable of being and what has probably been brewing just below the surface forever. Her entire family is divorced and each of her siblings never speaks with their X's and openly says they hate them. My W's mother is a piece of work. She is the ring leader of all of them. She is D with her H who is an amazing guy and my vote for Saint for putting up with her as long as he did. She never speaks to him and drove him out of the country. She is the most negative person you will ever meet and absolutely thrives on the drama of the divorce of all of her kids. Its like it gives her a purpose in life. Anyways, enough about that mess. My W has all of a sudden released her mother's DNA and is just being vicious. I gave her whatever she wanted from the house contents and she still harassed me for little things. She jumped up and down like a little spoiled 3 year old about a pair of speakers saying we had an agreement. I said why am I the only one who has to stand up to my agreements? She agreed to "let" me drive the family to the airport when they went on a month long trip, changed her mind at the last minute and didn't even have the decency to tell me. What happened to that agreement? Also there was the agreement that we made in front of all our family and friends and God with vows call our marriage, till death do us part, in good times and bad... what about that agreement?
Ok... breath...
I am going to send her a shared online calendar that I want her to fill out for the regular weekly planned events (bball practices, girl guides, soccer...). When she sends it back we will decide when I get the G's to stay over. I already made it clear I don't want both of my nights (if that is what I get) to be the busiest nights with nothing but driving around like a mad man with getting up super early for something else. I made it clear I want nights when I can spend quality time with them playing games or watching a movie, doing homework that type of thing.
Is this not realistic? She will try to give the worst nights she does not want and say "I have them 5 days a week, 24 hours a day do all the cooking, cleaning..." to which I will say - ya, but you fired me from that job, remember? I was more than happy to help pull my share right along side of you.
The next question is: the nights that I don't have the G's she will expect me to drive them around probably 2-3 nights per week if not more and again it will be the crappy nights and events she does not want to do. She will pick the closer shorter events where she can sit on her a$$ and talk with her friends.
I am stuck with these as I want to see my kids whenever I can and support them as best I can but I don't want to be the beck and call taxi driver for my W, who fired me.
Any comments and/or suggestions?
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Oh Boy - What a can of worms. I am so very sorry for you and the situation you are dealing with. You have my compassion and I wish you strength.
As for custody - go for 50/50. Especially if she is "exhausted for having them 24 hours a day". 50/50 is really the best method to cope and keep it equitable. One week hers and the next week is yours.
As far as the scheduling goes, yeah, that is what I have to do. We just have to deal with scheduling appointments, scouts, soccer, etc... on the days they fall on. If you each take a week, then it is more manageable.
Each of you has the responsibility for attending or not the event for your week. For example, if your week is scouting and it is too much, just cancel it for your week. Don't ask the W or consult with her, just cancel it. She has the right to do that as well when it comes to her week.
My suggestion is that you BOTH fill out the calendar, don't just let her do it as it will only make you upset when you start to resent being overscheduled.
Your post felt passive and I felt like you gave your W too much of your power (time, energy). Don't let her do that to you. You schedule what you need and anything that is too much just say "Can't do it". You do not have to defend your choices to her anymore.
