Photoka- taking a stand

[gonegrl]

Thanks to all who have been following my drama. As you know, my inlaws were here since Thursday, I kept a very PMA and was pleasant and busy. They sat around with H on the sofa for the most part, listening to him complain about how "nobody in this house is nice to me". Whatever. I was dreading the weekend and so proud of myself for not complaining to H, not making waves, being pleasant, GAL, focusing on my kids. They left last night without saying goodbye, I asked H this morning and expressed my problem with lack of communication. Respectfully and calmly. Took the kids for some back to school shopping.

Came back and getting ready for the pool. H calls me aside into the garage and says "the reason why my parents didn't say good bye is because they didn't feel welcomed here. They were very uncomfortable to the point where they felt they had to leave."

WTF????? I swear I could not have handled this weekend any better unless I faked "being interested" in them. I was pleasant, I was polite, I gave them free and unlimited access to the kids and to H, no pressure, no trying to get anyone to follow my rules or anything, just let them be. I cooked, I cleaned up, I had food and drinks available. I did NOTHING wrong.

Anyway, this lead to a not good DB moment for me. I started to cry. I told H that they were welcome, that I was pleasant and polite and was giving everyone space because I've been called controlling. That I did not complain or cause him stress in any way, and that any stress he is feeling about this weekend is from their complaining, not mine. I then said that I am in incredible heartbreak and pain for over 6 months now, and I am not sure how much more I can take of it, I have worked on myself and I have responded to his complaints about me, but I am done suffering. I want this marriage to work, and I still love him, but I can not live with this level of negativity and hurt and I am ready to move on, so if he thinks he is better off on his own we should think about getting separated.

I am done.

This all said while crying. Then I said "I am sorry I am emotional right now, I am taking the kids to the pool. I hope you can find a way to let go of your anger and stop hurting so much. But I am done, I can't keep hurting this much, I am ready to move on. " He did say he still loves me "in some ways" and that he wants the marriage to work "if it can."

When we got back from the pool ( he was lying on the sofa) he called out to me and said he was sorry. And that is it. I am lying in bed with my laptop and I want to have a good cry and sort it all out later. I feel like I failed DB, I should have validated, but you know what? His parents are so toxic and so destructive to our relationship, I can't validate that. I am in pain beyond any words, and I have been so strong and so loving and I do not deserve this.

[PigPen]

Oh Photo, this is so damn hard to read. I am so sorry that you're in this predicament, that your feelings are hurt, and that you felt like you went out of your way to do all of the right things only to have it thrown back in your face.

That plane old [censored]. It's awful.

I feel your exhaustion and pain all mixed together. While it may not be strict DB'ing, sometimes your emotions are just going to get expressed. We walk on razor's edges with DB'ing and sometimes you fall. Everyone has a breaking point and you reached yours. Maybe it's just for today.

But that's all ok. Again, you are a human being with your own set of needs and wants and desires that not only aren't being met, but are also not giving you the strength to keep pushing on the way you want to. It's like taking withdrawals from an account that's not getting anything put into it - eventually you run out!

My heart truly goes out to you. This was really hard to read and if there actually is such thing as an e-hug, I'm scooping you up and giving you one for as long as is necessary and then a bit longer.

And then maybe one more e-hug. And probably a third.

You did the best you could today, you did the best you could all weekend, give yourself that and know that you're dealing with people that don't have the same tools and desires that you do. When that happens someone takes the brunt of of it. Today that person was you Photo and I'm sorry for that.

Please rest, put yourself first for the rest of the day, and know that we care about you and empathize with you completely.

PP

[Zues126]

Photoka, I'm sorry that you're suffering right now. You DO have to put an end to the suffering. That isn't the same as burning bridges.

Cadet's #1 piece of advice is to detach. What happens when this doesn't happen? Simple. An attached LBS turns 90% of their focus to WAS, their behaviors, their issues, and the pain their causing to the LBS. And the WAS does enough horrible things the LBS doesn't have to go far to gather a support team of friends and family that sympathize with them, all the while taking focus of the LBS's opportunities for growth. Instead the LBSs spend their time diagnosing WAS, or thinking about what WAS would have to change to make the M possible again, or whether they are still open to R or not. Then, from that place of pain, resentment grows, and the LBS starts getting angry about what they're being put through. This occasionally results in lashing out, or burning bridges, or backslides.

Detachment is the key to breaking free of all of this. Not making life changing decisions based on how you feel today...which is sorta hypocritical because that's the very reason we LBS's are upset with the WAS's, for abandoning the M over short term feelings which can change. My motto has always been to act with the character you wish they had. I know you can point to boundaries being crossed and 'abusive' treatment, but if you were willing to reconcile a week ago then the only thing that has changed are your feelings, not his behavior- maybe it is a deal breaker, but now's not the time to decide! But detaching allows the LBS to relieve the pain, focus on their own opportunities for growth, and start enjoying their own life with or without H.

I know you say you've grown and changed, and of course that's true. I think it's too soon to graduate yourself and pin it all back on WAH though. Go back to basics. Beginners mind. Detachment. GAL. Find your own happiness within your broken M. Once your pain subsides you'll be able to be your best self, unhindered by resentment. From there you can make decisions based on your core beliefs, rather than reacting to WAS's latest offense.

Do I think you've failed DB? Not at all. I think that all LBS's have to go through this for a while until they hit THEIR rock bottom and decide to let go and move forward (letting go and moving forward are a little different from being done). So this is your way of knowing something has to change. Changing the external by burning a bridge won't really help the problem. Change your approach. If the last 6 months were what you needed to really learn that holding on doesn't work, then it was 6 months well spent. So while you're not feeling so hot today, this might be the first day of something new, something that will relieve some of this burden off your shoulders. I am rooting for you and hope you feel that relief soon.

[gonegrl]

Thank you Zues. I just feel so hopeless. I could not have done better this weekend, I really couldn't have, and I am being blamed for making his parents leave. I just feel like there is no way this is going to work. And my kids are a wreck.

You are right about detaching. I make small steps towards detaching and it feels so good. But then something happens and I am back to square one.

And now H just asked me if I want to go out. He feels bad, I know it. I want to go out with a friend, not with him. I want to go out with someone who I can be myself with, and not have to watch every word. I want him, but not him. I am so hurt.

OK, I am not a DB failure. Sometimes I have to speak up. DB doesn't mean being a doormat.

Detaching is the key, I know that. You are right.

[gonegrl]

Thanks PigPen, I just saw your post now. Somehow missed it before, probably because of the tears. I started to have a good old cry, but after about 30 seconds it just went away. Not the bad feelings, but the tears. I heard my S11 downstairs crying (he is always crying lately) so I went downstairs and talked to him, gave him a snack, situated him in his room away from D (who was setting him off) and then I went out for a bit. I think I have no tears left.

I wish I could feel that e-hug! I could use it.

And about his parents. 6 months ago H was saying that he wanted to kill himself because he felt trapped between me and his parents. That was his #1 issue. I have not (to him) complained about them, argued with them, anything since then. I took myself out of it. They know very well that their son felt this way. And they still continue to complain and get him on "their side". Which they are accomplishing btw. What are they doing? Why are they doing this to him?

And the saddest part is that he doesn't see that I have backed away from it, he thinks that because I stopped complaining that means I have nothing to complain about, and because they are still complaining that means that they do. They will fight over him literally to the grave. I am not in it anymore. I can not imagine ever treating any of my children this way, and mine are still little kids! What are they doing to him?

[asitis]

One event doth not failed DBing make. It takes a pattern. Besides. He responded more humanely than he has in a while. I'd say that is a sign of DBing success overall.

I know it's hard. He may need to understand that you have limits & he is getting into being the one left behind.

Hang in there.

[gonegrl]

Thanks As, he did respond more humanely. And he didn't leave. Now I just have to really follow through with GAL and detaching. I was before, but now full speed ahead. I think maybe this could be a turning point. At the very least, I don't feel like a doormat any more.

[mutatio]

I want a tinfoil hat! What a wonderful story.

Your last conversation with your husband was fine. You got emotional, big deal. Your fighting for your marriage and family.

All's fair in love and war.

[Azzork]

I could not have done better this weekend.

PK - this is all you can control. Take pride in your actions. Know that you were the bigger person. I understand the hurt and the frustration, but that's on THEM...not on you.

So keep your chin up. You're being the. Best you that you can be. That's what really counts.

[roist]

I think you showed strength this weekend...... firstly to have pma throughout a difficult and stressing visit. Bravo. Secondly you stood up for you, you stood up for your M. Regardless of the tears that is strength.

Don't be mean or cold, but let H think about it on his own. I wouldn't go out with him if I were you.


What GAL activities have you planned today and for the rest of the week?