Just take her request for space seriously. Don't try to figure out the rest. And, don't go trying to apply the 5 Languages right now. Right now she wants nothing to do with your love languages. Store that one in your back pocket for the time being.
Focus on you, not her right now. You'll hopefully have time later to show her you can express your love in a way she wants to hear, but right now she's not going to hear anything other than you pursuing her when she's made clear that is unwelcome.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Sorgan, asitis is offering very good advice, "Focus on you, not her right now".
I have be focusing on myself for about a month now. One thing I have learned is that no other way will work. Sure I make mistakes, everyone does. The sun comes up the next day and you try again. I see very small changes from my actions. Right now I have succeeded in not making it worse. It may not get better but it is not getting worse.
I am doing the book for me. What I learn may be used for her later, but for whoever I am with it helps to grasp that love is more than compliments and gifts.
It is just killing me inside seeing her so willing to destroy our M. She is planning to go to Fl to meet this guy next weekend. She want to chase that rabbit til it dies. She has even brought up the prospect of having another child with him. It kills me to hear that stuff. It brings a whole deeper level of pain to the picture to see her so determined on this OM. I am not sure how serious most WWs get with the OM, but it brings fear to a whole new level to have to worry and wonder what could happen.
I am trying hard not to pursue her. I still slip up, more so when it feels like she is conflicted. Which is probably just her temp checking, but it feels so real sometimes.
She doesn't like when I'm angry about it all, but that doesn't mean her mind has changed. I wish I could be stronger and detach better, for my sake at this point. It hurts so bad to see her want to be with this guy so badly.
I wish my kids were older so it was easier to get out of the house more. Instead I feel like I'm a maid to her sometimes. I am trying not to push her farther into it, but she seems to almost dare me into Filing for D or anything like that. It really makes me feel like she hates me. Like our M is doomed in every form it could be.
I just feel so lost and overwhelmed. I feel totally powerless. I am struggling to focus on myself. It is easy sometimes to forget the he!! I'm in, but just when I think it is gone. She reminds me she is choosing him and im right back in the heartache and pain.
It is overwhelming at times, and it hurts like h*ll. Others, who are just ordinary folks w/ no special powers have made it through. Some saved their M. Some didn't, but were able to move on stronger & better able of having future Rs. It seems impossible now at times, but you can get through this and come out the other end too.
Have you had a chance to read Sandi2's threads advising LBHs w/ WW? If not, there is a lot of gold in those.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am on the 3rd set working my way through them. I really value her insight as a former WW. She always has wonderful info to help people.
I know I am bettering myself for whatever the outcome, and while I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is so hard to see it most of the time.
I feel like crap today. My wife can't seem to let go of any of our past. With how strained our past is, I feel like that damns any future we could have. I am not the same person I was and I hate that she can't see who I am now(not DB 180s, just my growth as a person)
Today has been good. The heartache isnt as prevalent now, and being back at work helps. I am still doing cleaning and the like around the house for my kids sake(they shouldn't suffer because of this).
I am working on GAL still, but it is hard when my kids and work keep me busy from 7am til 9pm. Plus I'm broke(Just had to pay $600 between cable and cellphones) so that limits my options too. However, my optimism, confidence, and sense of humor are coming back so I feel better than I have in a lo.g time.
I am going to try to find some things to keep my occupied after the kids go to bed(only so much cleaning I can do now that I have done most of the house lol) I am probably going to find a show or book to occupy me, because that is when the hurt is at it's strongest(after the kids go to bed abd i'm stuck in the the house with her)
I hope I am doing good for a week since BD. Thank you guys for your support, advice, and ears. Ill post more later guys.
As it appears, life goes on, but I think my M will not. Sharing the same house I am horrible at giving her the space she wants, and I have succeeded in doing nothing but push her away. Although she probably already walked away years ago. She still sees me as a monster, and when W is angry, she lashes out horribly and makes me feel like it is all my fault.
I feel horrible for how I was, and how I still can do nothing but mess everything up. I will try to keep my head up and I will try to keep posting, but most of the time i don't have the heart to do so. My W was my world and I ignored her for years. I pushed her to where she is and now I guess I'm in for a lot of suffering. I don't even know where to turn for advice anymore.
Its tough, but you arent that far out. Dont worry if you make a mistake. No single action is going to be the "end". If you say or do the wrong thing, just learn from it and move forward.
What are you doing to GAL, even if its inexpensive? Are there meetups you can join? Even one a week is great. What about taking the kids to the library? How about going to a friend's to share a bottle of wine or 6 pack and watch a game? Theres lots of ways you can get out for cheap....its just a matter of being creative. You NEED to show yourself that you are capable as a person and as a parent all by yourself.
The capable as a parent part I have proven to myself. My W naps every afternoon from when i get home til dinner(I guess all her late night phone calls with her BF/OM get to her) So I am alone with them all afternoon and do fine. My main trouble is after the kids go to bed, I wind up eventually pestering my W to try to spend some time together and it does nothing but piss her off most of the time.
I am afraid to go out and do things after they go to bed because I dont want to worsen things with my W. I can't leave well enough alone it seems most of the time. She has said she wants nothing at all to do with me ever again, that our bridge is destroyed and she has no interest in trying to buold a new one, and she never wants to see me again after the D. No one has filed yet though. I just am so fearful of losing her, but the reality is that I am probably going to.
I don't know how most SOs are at this point. Especially WAWs(?) Not sure if she is that or what she is anymore. I have realized she isnt a WW though now. She is too into having a relationship with OM and shows no desire to want to R with me. She says that our M was over before OM.
I guess I need to grow a pair and actually get out of the house to see if that would help. Thank you for replying Azzork. It really does help to have someone respond to my posts. Lol
