My story is very simple. I made a late marriage to a widower who was compulsive, gambler, smoker, drinker, liar and womaniser. Add golf, and excessive spending to Themis. His behaviour was exceeding overtly abusive after he was made redundant.
I have emerged after great personal turmoil with large debts, a failing business and poor health. My diabetes was out of control and I clearly have emotional exhaustion. The road to recovery is very slow.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today the weather is good and I will paint my garage door if I have time, I stripped it down so it's time, if I have enough paint.
Spent the whole weekend resting and having a lot of sleep. The sleep isn't restful sleep but at long last sleep. I wake in the night every night. It's what is normal for me. These last few nights I have been sleeping. Any sleep is good. I wake these days almost as if from a general anaesthetic, it's a different awake from before which was a tired "if I must" this is "I can't".
I feel the need for peace and alone time. My business is failing and my energy is low. I shall let my higher power guide me in how to spend my scarce resources, there is little else can do. My body won't meditate at the moment, mindfulness yes, meditation no. I will do what I can, I study a great deal.
I decided to heal from the physiology up, I am eating clean, very clean. Lots and lots of vegetables. I was having siltz and Epsom salts baths together with saunas but my body is saying no to more of that. I no longer drink alcohol or eat cheese! Red meat is gone from my diet and all processed food. I drink water not coffee or diet sodas. Withdrawal was very traumatic. I can not seem to rehydrate despite having plenty of liquids every day. I think that is the diabetes which went out of control with the stress.
I am doing all of this to recover and to find a new way of being in my skin. I am trusting there will be weight loss but to date my body has decided to hold on to the weight. It must be protecting me in some way, so when it's ready it will go. I have never over eaten, I know a great deal of this fat will be amyloid as a result of the steroids. There will be amyloid in my muscles leading to poor uptake of thyroxine and low metabolic activity. My body, particularly my liver will need to recover to deal with this. It is going to take a long time.
I am thinking outside of the box on some issues, but some of it will need cash and time. By next thread I will have worked it out and there will be new goals. It's a 180 for me not to have a constant stream of new goals.
I was also exercising moderately but my body is saying gently please. That is very unlike me.
Usually lots of drive but that is softened.
There are some pluses but they seem quite small. I have always eaten well and exercised, I was always slim, fit and young. This experience with WH has aged me and I have neglected myself. In the middle of this I had pneumonia and had to have steroids, a neglectful dentist left some packing in my teeth when I was a child and that caused a major abscess together with many courses of antibiotics. It was only by serendipity it was discovered by a locum dentist. I am having to learn how to be slim and well, and it has proved elusive.
I recently bought offices to house my business but it was flooded and is now unusable. I am learning how local beaurocracy works.
I parcel my time carefully and I rest a great deal.
My chest is very poor and I have sinus issues,many sinus issues. My eyes are no longer gritty and dry on waking, and my breathe is cleaner and fresh. That indicates recovery and lack of bacteria.
Still, it is time for action today, my back hurts with the bed rest. I am at my Brighton flat. That garage door is urgent. I haven't yet resolved the little blue car, it's battery is dead. Another time for the car, I feel weary and it's not urgent yet.
I haven't been outside since Thursday night, no GAL, no communication other than this board with the outside world other than this online world of ours, my own vegetable retreat. I am not down, I have no concerns over that, I am in recovery. Pray for me, Bob if you are around I would like some prayers, so that the higher spirit gives me strength to recover.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/07/1506:54 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi. Vanillia, read your post and it left me a bit concerned It had plenty of positives re health but I sense a certain lowness that's not in your posts normally
You have endured way way more than anyone should have to and it's bound to take its toll Your personal life is tough enough but with the flooding and business worries it is a huge strain that cannot be left to heal itself.
How about some work with an I/C for Vaniila to get foot holds in her life
I hope it's ok for me to advise and I hope I'm not overstep any lines. This is the first time I've seen no GAL and being the GAL queen it's a little surprising and I'm not good when people act out of the norm.
I know your in Brighton and taking stock / resting but how about contacting bestie or fab sis to see if they could join you and have a paint party on that door ?
I'm in the office all day today except for one quick trip to the bank so let's do a bit of posting to each other See what stories we can amaze each other with I'll start. I grew up in south London / Surrey and when I was running in my bikes I would drive up and down to Brighton late at night / early morning, on one of these trips I was cruising down the sea front when an officer of Her Majestrys police force took umbridge to my front wheel not having contact with ground. I wheelied the length of the sea front with this officer and two or three of his workmates attempting to discuss the matter with me. I think it was around Gatwick when they decided to let the matter drop , ether that or my hiding in a ditch for two hours while they made that decision
My dear V, it does seem as if you are due for some healing quiet, all kinds of dust settling. I trust you will know when it is sliding into isolation and go shine into the world.
I read something last night on healing from abuse I thought was quite good. About how we must consciously remind ourselves of the things we like about ourselves after that has been eroded. To fall madly in love with oneself, to nurture, to build. It sounds like you are doing this with your health in good measures and I'm happy to hear it. Try to see how beautiful you are and dance a bit when you're up to it.
Very sorry to hear of your business and financial troubles. If that door must close on you, I hope it as beneficial in the long run as the other door that closed when you booted STBX. You are resourceful and no doubt good at what you do, V!
I'll be offline for a bit but please know I'm thinking of you warmly.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I have only just arrived back as I had the diabetic clinic this afternoon.
The news is good, my blood sugar is almost normal and there is no protein in my urine, that means my kidneys are healing. Mouth swab shows 40% reduction in cortisol, also good.
I asked them why I felt so awful and the nurse said " you are not used to feeling normal!" If this is normal then I want the old back.
I don't know if you remember but sometime ago I did boot camp GAL and made a new friend so I rang her on the off chance she fancied a coffee at David Lloyd- she did so I had a herbal tea and a salad with her.
My regime can be adjusted I can have gluten free bread. Next time I have a poop sample to take, as the doc thinks I have a yeast overgrowth because I took some many Antib for my abcess. So bloods next time.
Apparently this is a 'trial' for a new regime for late onset type 2 diabetics, except I am not that I am a genetic expressed diabetic. Anyway I should be pleased, 4lbs down, although I thought up because of the tummy bloat.
Too much info! I still feel cr@ppy though especially first thing in the morning and dehydrated, which is possibly magnesium shortage, (hence Epsom salt baths). So I have supplement pills the size of bullets.
Oh yes, bone broth, I am recommended to make bone broth. So I need some bones...........
So story, my first car was a daf55, bright yellow with an infinite differential. I bought it at 18 when I first passed my test. It might going downhill with the wind behind it have made 40mph on a good day. However it managed snow, ice and adverse weather with great ease. I once got stopped on the motorway for going too slow in the inside lane, the officer said " don't you know how to put your foot to the floor?" My response: "I am putting my foot to the floor".
That car was only scrapped eight years ago, a workhorse. It had a proper wooden dashboard and steering wheel.
Nothing like doing wheelies, but it had the best turning circle of any car I have ever had.
I think you and Pink would make the daredevils look tame. OD had a bike I think. Funnily enough WH has gone all leathers.
Hiding in the ditch huh? I once went skinny dipping when I was a student in Regents Park lake, we snuck into local halls to shower, it was summer and the halls were empty. The security guards were coming, so V and a friend dashed from the shower and stood in a broom cupboard. We were as naked as we were born. The security guard opened the cupboard, grinned, closed the door and left turning off the lights. It was hard to dress wet with no lights on.
I have IC although that's for the abuse, she doesn't have much clue about physiology and isn't very spiritual which I find very frustrating. It's hard to find IC specialising in abuse. I think As is going to be an abuse counsellor if I have that correct.
Thank you for caring so much, much love and rainbows
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi. Vanillia, read your post and it left me a bit concerned It had plenty of positives re health but I sense a certain lowness that's not in your posts normally
I do have my low moments.
You have endured way way more than anyone should have to and it's bound to take its toll Your personal life is tough enough but with the flooding and business worries it is a huge strain that cannot be left to heal itself.
How about some work with an I/C for Vaniila to get foot holds in her life
Yes, RD my IC is on hols until next Thursday.
I hope it's ok for me to advise and I hope I'm not overstep any lines.
RD, you are very very special to me and I love you very dearly.
This is the first time I've seen no GAL and being the GAL queen it's a little surprising and I'm not good when people act out of the norm.
I can usually turn anything into GAL! Even a dentist visit but I feel I need peace to sleep and rest.
I know your in Brighton and taking stock / resting but how about contacting bestie or fab sis to see if they could join you and have a paint party on that door ?
Sis is 400 miles away and bestie is on hols the other side of the world for a month. I guess I miss Bestie. .
I'm in the office all day today except for one quick trip to the bank so let's do a bit of posting to each other
That would be lovely, sadly I had to go and pee in a cup and be prodded by an abrupt nurse with a syringe and a tough attitude. It's my diabetic clinic day.
See what stories we can amaze each other with I'll start.
I grew up in south London / Surrey and when I was running in my bikes I would drive up and down to Brighton late at night / early morning, on one of these trips I was cruising down the sea front when an officer of Her Majestrys police force took umbridge to my front wheel not having contact with ground. I wheelied the length of the sea front with this officer and two or three of his workmates attempting to discuss the matter with me. I think it was around Gatwick when they decided to let the matter drop, ether that or my hiding in a ditch for two hours while they made that decision
I am smiling with a glee. I hope there was mud involved and camouflage. I have a vicar of dibley and puddle image.
Take care Sis. Rd. xxxx + huge hug
---------------------------------
I offered a couple of stories.
Huge rainbow hug back.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/07/1510:37 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Vanillia. You made me smile. It's taken me a few days to post back because while the Daf story left me smiling the visual of Vanillia and her friend naked in a locker ,, ,, well ,,, ,, I am only human !!
You recent posts are back to the Vanillia we know and love It's made me very happy.
im so pleased the health is forefront at the moment. I know i pester you about it but I dont care. I need Vanillia fit and health for selfish reasons as well as out of concern.
Your stories were great and I know the Daf well
My next one is a bit weird but read on ..........
I was with GF before EXW and we were on an RD350 LC ( the must have lunatic bike for the time ). We have dined at Mr McDonalds take away in redhill and we' where looking for somewhere to park and eat the taleaway. We found a lane and drove up and found a huge old building that was obviously an old hospital or such like. We ate the homemade burgers prepared by a orange haired clown and left
GF and I parted ways a few weeks later ( sad , 4 years but not to be ) and I was being consoled by a very good friend and lovely lady who I treated to Mr McDonalds cuisine in redhill. Where to eat she pondered ? I replied " I know just the place " we drove to the building .....:.....:.: and it was gone !!!!!!!
This was two weeks later !!!! The 350 LC left the area at a fairly healthy pace No google at the time but we are talking about a hospital size building that disappeared Cue the twilight music !!!! The lady on the back of the bike is the subject of another story which I will divulge after the next instalment of the tales of V
