My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 4 beautifiul childeren. Unfortunately, after spending some time on this site, I realize now that we have never worked on our marriage, not truly. We each have had one affair on each other before this current one of hers. She did have an EA with a second man, but nothing ever came from it. I knew we weren't perfect, but I did not have a clue if she was this far gone until Last Friday.
That was when my suspicions came to fruition and I confronted her and she admitted that she is having a EA wuth this OOM. Since then every night after I put the kids to sleep, she stays up texting and talking to him. Our communication has gone from very little to non existent. This did however make me have a grand revelation. I have done some soul searching and made changes in my life not for her, but for my kids. It started for her, but as soon as I had broken my connection from Video Games, I quickly realized my life is happier and more fulfilling. Especially my relationship with my children.
I'm sorry if this all seems random but I really have no one to talk to so I wind up rambling to anyone that will listen. I've spent much of the last 24 hours reading the insightful help on this board. I was guilty of breaking all of Sandi's rules the first day or two after i found out. But applied them yesterday as best I could(I still cant resist snooping her chat with him to glean truth) and it seemed to help. She even initated a conversation with me last night. Albeit it was short and at 3 a.m., she still talked. I dont know if it was from me following the rules or that i overheard her and the OOM mutually masturbating over the phone quite loudly last night.
When we talked I was calm and clear spoken with my thoughts. However she said some things im not sure how to take. She said she loves me more, but I never have and never will make her as happy as he does. Also she said she was willing to give me primary custody if we got to a D. I know the rules say not to believe anything they say, and I know from snooping she is lying to me about how much they talk. Her actions remind me of Sandi's story only we are younger so i dont suspect a MLC. I know it hasn't become a PA yet because he loves in Florida. Although he has plans to come up here soon, I have gathered. She tells me they have only been talking a few weeks, but she claims to love him. She says she wants to follow the EA to see where it goes, even if it means losing me.
She has said on the last 4 days that she doesn't love me, so she contradicts herself too. I am still living at home and have actually picked up ALL the housework. She literally does nothing when i get home but text him. And once the kids are in bed they talk on the phone. Usually until 4 am and she has to be up by 7 to take ny eldest D to Pre-K( I am already at work by that point) I have been allowing her to nap in the afternoon when i get home from work, but she would probably do it even if I protested. Her care for the kids has dropped to almost nothing and O am struggling to pick up the slack. She has even said that they arent playing a factoryou in her choice to stay or go. So that is eveb more frightening to me because before the OOM, she loved them so deeply.
I read the "Newcomer LBH with WW" last night and am conflicted as to if i should be doing the cleaning and such, but I am doing it for the kids, not her, I just dont want to let her continue to "eat cake". However ,I dont want my children to suffer because I dont know if she would return to doing them if i stopped, but I know my children can't (The oldest is 4) cook or do laundry, etc.
I don't know what to do. The last PA she had ripped me apart for years because I already have low self esteem. Especially in the physical department. I dont want to lose my W or my D4 D3 D3 S1. I'm sorry for so much text I am just still so lost, but this forum has helped me come to terms with this. I am sure in my rambling I have left out info so if anyone needs clarification on anything or has questions, please ask. I will prolly share another wall of text. Lol Thanks for Listening.
TL;DR 10 year Broken Marriage. 4 kids under 4 y.o.. W says she loves OOM. Wants to be with him even if it destroys Family. Me lost and scrambling to try to save it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I was also wondering about the GAL part. Does time with my childeren included in that? Because unfortunately they take my time from whenever i get off work until 8-9 pm when i put them to bed.
Sorgan, we're sorry you're here. This is the worst thing in the world to go through.
My advice would be to believe that this M is done.
People that try to use DB forums as a strategy to win her back just shoot themselves in the foot. It keeps them in their grieving process longer (denial), it keeps them focused on what their WAS is thinking about them (attachment), it keeps them trying to control things they can't control (co-dependency), it keeps them from protecting themselves legally (stupid), and it keeps them from making real changes because they are only trying to control their WAS.
Many situations don't turn around. The few that do are often measured in years, and usually get much much much worse before they get better. There is no way you can avoid the full grieving process and be forced to get back on your own two feet, and walk for miles in your own life.
So what to do? Why do we have these forums? It's because you are at a fork in the road. You can either try force the world to be the way you want it, or you can learn to work with the reality of the world that you are presented with. No matter what WAS does you'll grow into a stronger person...and that is the type of person you'll need to be to be in an R anyway, and the only chance you'll be the person she could be attracted to again in a future life.
Let me ask- if you knew 100% that no matter what your WAS wouldn't come back...what would you do? I think this is an important question to start thinking about.
My other advice would be not to do ANYTHING at this moment. Control your emotions. They will be so powerful they will create thoughts and perspectives that seem 'real' or 'true'. Your friends will support your craziness. DON'T buy it. You are too emotional to know what you think right now. The mature thing to do at this moment is NOTHING. Just post. Vent. STFU. In poker we call this time-banking. You're making decisions for very high stakes. Don't break down under pressure and get reactive.
So, what are you doing now that you know the R is dead?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I was also wondering about the GAL part. Does time with my childeren included in that? Because unfortunately they take my time from whenever i get off work until 8-9 pm when i put them to bed.
I find that while GAL with my kids is GREAT, it just can't be the only way. Meeting new people, having new experiences is so important to take your mind off of your situation and to help reinvent you. Even if it's just one night a week, that's something.
I plan to continue the path of growth I'm on. I have become a much better father and Home maker(cleaning and caring or my house). My next step like you said is to work on becoming a stronger more attentive person for the future, with or w/o my W. I know I have a long way to go to improve my communication and patience skills. I used to and still get frustrated easily with my W during tough talking points. At this moment it doesnt seem like my W is going to stop this path she has chosen. So like you said I must plan to continue my path of growth and self improvement. Because I want to be this better person I can see myself as.
Although I am not sure how to go about working in my Self esteem. That has been a lifelong issue for me. Bullying and divorced poor quality parents. (One is an alcoholic the other is a sexist pothead) left me without much support as a child and my adult life and relationships have suffered for it. I retreated to video games from a young age and had stayed there most if ny life. If nothing else I am thankful for my W and this OOM. Because the shock of it all and my attempt to win her back has removed the veil from my eyes and allowed me to see that I don't need the VGs to make me happy. I can function much better in life w/o them. I just hope I can keep these changes going. If nothing else at least for my kids sake. They deserve better parents than I had or than I was.
Zeus slapped you with some hard reality above, and I think maybe a little too strongly for someone fresh to the board. He's right, but don't take that as meaning there is no hope. When he says the M is dead, he is referring to your old M. That one is dead and buried and you know what? Good riddance. It obviously wasn't working very well; any R you have with your W in the future will be brand new, and hopefully much better than what you had.
Now it's true that the odds are stacked against you but there are many stories on this board where couples were able to successfully R their M and are doing well today. There is nothing that says you can't be one of those stories some day. It's fine to have a little hope, and I believe it's a key component of helping us to make the necessary changes to ourselves. If there were no hope at all, then most people wouldn't bother to change a thing - what's the point, right?
So you want to have some hope, but there are no guarantees. The good news is that if you follow the advice on this board and from the DB and DR books, you are going to improve yourself in miraculous ways, and it's really going to help you move on with your life, whether that happens to include your W or not. It's going to be a very long process, most likely months or even years. For now, focus on the day in front of you and just take baby steps. What you are going through is probably the worst experience of your life. There are no shortcuts. It's going to be He11 on Earth.
All I can promise you is that it does get better with time, and little by little you will start to realize you are going to be OK. I agree with Zeus about making no major moves right now. In fact, I would wait at least a month. You are going to be all over the place emotionally, sometimes changing your mind from one minute to the next. You will not be thinking logically. Take some time to process this, and start to heal. Then follow the advice here religiously. The people here are all going through or have gone through very similar situations and know what you are feeling. Keep posting, do your best to get some rest and regular meals. Hang in there.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Thank you dwh. I am trying my best to stay upbeat, at least for my kids. It is just very hard to share the same house with her right now, but my kids deserve better than what she is capable of currently. She is moody and constantly tired. I still don't know where this will lead me, but this board has given me optimism for either outcome (D or a fresh R with my wife). While the wounds are still fresh and I am still pained by the thought of a D. I can see myself being a stronger better person at the end of this.
