Wife has separated gone full circle

[ATPeace]

Hi

So as my thread says my wife has separated with me and it feels as if my story has gone full circle

Yesterday things came to a head with me seriously loosing my emotions and breaking down on the telephone to the doctors surgery receptionest at 5:50pm the doctor called me back at 6:30 and we chatted for quite some time he advised that I speak to relate tomorrow and book myself in for an appointment with them

I spoke to my brother in law who has been fantastic over the past weeks and to my sister over my concerns and at the end I just felt completely numb.

So I came home and I wanted to talk to my W about what is going to happen next ....I felt that over the past 6 weeks my W has been calling all the shots and I needed to try to be in a little more control.

So we talk quite calmly and normally it has been me doing the talking but I try to get her to open up a little to me as well as to her feelings ....she says that she has good days and bad days when I am not trying to talk to her about our R she feels quite happy with where she is and what she has done but when I try to talk to her about the R then she feels very sad

She said that she feels she has let me down
That she feels bad for hurting me
That she was not the person that she should have been ...when I asked her more about this she said that perhaps she should have put up and shut up and just carried on being the unhappy wife to keep the M going.

So this is my position again from the beginning

Wife asked to separate because she was feeling extremely loanly in our R she says that she felt taken for granted and that no matter what she tried to do or say I just was not there for her

She said to me ..do you know how lonley it feels when there are 5 other people in the house and no one want wants to spend time with her

She has built up her defence and now she says that she no longer needs my company to make her happy and that she is does not want to have to put another adult in front of her

She has friends and is widening her circle she says that so long as she has a good circle of friends then she can be happy

So there is no other man involved

She is not looking for another R

She tells me that she feels she feels happier in her own company knowing that she does not have to put another adult in front of her

She would sell the House and move into smaller homes she thinks that this would be the best option split the childrens child care between the two of us this would be the time she feels we would Divorce and split all the finances

I said to her that it feels like she has all the good cards and that she is in control of what happens and she said that's funny as she feels it is completely the other way around.

She knows that I want to stay in the house together so that we get to see the children every day and she sees,this as an option so long as I do not keep bringing up R as she feels that we get along well when we are not talking about this. she says she will follow my lead on this so I guess she wants me to make the decision

She says that she will not come back to me or change her mind about our R and her decision to split and that she would not have made this decision unless she was 100% sure she would not have put our children through this unless she was 100% sure ..she is very black and white.

It almost feels like she is depressed but she says this is not the case

We talked about perhaps going away next year with the baby and the other children

So i do not know if there is anything left for me to do other than be a good father to our children. I do think I have to back right away try and detach from her and give her the space to make her own decisions. I guess I still hope that over time she will find a way to love me again

Why do I feel so confused about loosing my W is there a chance that over time she might still want to form another R with me

Thanks

Ghost

[Huddy]

Back to the beginning. Re-read the book and sandi2's rules. You're quite early in on this. You have to show, not say, why she should be with you.

[ATPeace]

Huddy
Thank you for your post
I believe that it is my fear of going into two houses that is keeping me wanting to stay in the same house coexisting co habiting ....knowing that when we do go into separate houses that this will be the time that my W will file for divorce

staying in the same house my hope that one day she might find a way for us to be an us again

[ATPeace]

I guess right now things do not feel over ...once we D then I will feel it's over

[Sotto]

Ghost, it's tough I know. But I think you need to let go in order to hold on. Open the cage door and let the bird fly free. Often freedom doesn't deliver what was hoped for - and that cosy cage starts to look appealing again. But if the door is never opened the cage just feels like a cage, and not a cosy haven.

You are doing things that are going to make your W feel smothered and she will push harder to get out. I think you need to let go and release her. Stop pushing against it. Please trust in the process and try and overcome your fears. We are all here to help and support.

Sotto xx

[ATPeace]

I just feel for the kids right now all together in their family home they do not want to be in separate houses with part time parents

I know people say children adjust it feels wrong putting them through this

I hear what you say about setting free

Dammed if I do dammed if I dont

[Vanilla]

Ghost this is very important to hear. Very important, many of us break down on the phone, with friends, strangers in a bar etc. it is the norm, the usual, the distress is a phase of grief.

Please google Kubler Ross grief stages to learn about this, there are six stages to grief leading to acceptance of loss. It is a process my lovely and this is one of the worst stages there will be others and you can cycle them and repeat some. We all have our own path.

My own big breakdown was in a supermarket, I will find you the link if I can. As choices go a doctors receptionist beats a supermarket shelf stacker. Although he was a very caring young man took me to the chemists section and provided coffee and a cake. I ended up in my car lying on the back seat crying for nearly two hours, luckily didn't get a parking ticket. My eye sight was so fuzzy and I almost lost control of my biological functions. I went to stay with a good friend so I didn't need to go home.

In house S is one very difficult time, I lived it for 15 months, I found it easier to get my head together once WH had left.

Then I got IC, and things began to shift a little. I ultimately ended up at Relate with a wonderful counsellor who specialised in abuse trauma.

Hugs, and more hugs

V

[Vanilla]

I just feel for the kids right now all together in their family home they do not want to be in separate houses with part time parents

I know people say children adjust it feels wrong putting them through this

I hear what you say about setting free

Dammed if I do dammed if I dont

OK, this I am going to challenge.

You are not a part time parent, you a great fantastic dad, there are many terrific dads here on this board.

In my eyes you are a full time dad, and will be for the rest of your life, whether your children live with you full time or not. It is vital you know this and your children have one loving stable parent in their lives. Children can thrive when at least one loving parent is standing strong. That is going to be you. Absolutely.

I recently put a challenge to one poster here about finding 10 ways he was a great dad because he was questioning that in himself. And his posts are pure gold. Before I post the link for you, can you list for me at least 10 ways in which you love your children?

For example

1. I share in their play.......
2. I hug them to pieces......
3...............

V

[ATPeace]

See the problem for me is that in the past I do not think I have been a very good father my W has been the main carer and she would have no trouble listing I have put myself before my children and my wife's needs


1) I am always there for my son to take him to his tennis 5 times,a week
2) I take my D to horse shows
3) if my D needs me at any time of the day I will be there for her
4) I have always provided for them to tive them a stable home
5) my youngest son knows that I will always be there for him he gives me snuggles in bed and I know he feels my love we hug all the time,
6) I love being arround my little girl seeing her smile playing with her
7)my oldest son loves being in my company he is like my best fried
8 if my s wants toys then I will find the money to buy him what he wants
9 I, try to attend as many school events but work does get in the way
10) I enjoy the time that I spend with the baby bath time bed time and story time

I have to say tho a lot of what I am now doing are things that sadly I did not do enough during the M

[Azzork]

I guess right now things do not feel over ...once we D then I will feel it's over

I believe this is your problem. You're running yourself ragged trying to figure out how to save your marriage. You believe saying the right things, doing the right things, pushing the right buttons in the right order will fix this.

Here's the thing though. Your marriage is already over. Let me say it again.

YOUR MARRIAGE IS ALREADY OVER

You can be a Perfect husband and it just won't matter anymore. That much is clear from your talk up there.

Here's the second key point. That doesn't mean you can't reconcile. It just won't happen today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Or probably next month. THIS. WILL. TAKE. TIME. A lot of it. This will test your commitment. Many times. Ok?

Here's point 3: stop trying to control your wife. The whole conversation you had was to "call some shots" about your R?? You don't get to do that. If she says she wants to leave, are you going to chain her up and force her to stay? You are in control of YOU. ONLY. Right now you are not showing her you are capable of even doing that.

Until you change your attitude and perspective, you'll stay in your tailspin. You've been slamming your head against a wall for a month and a half. Why are you going to keep doing it?

The stove is still hot. Stop touching it.