Thank you for all of the check ins and love everyone. V, E, Bob, Zues, much appreciated. I'm headed into work in a minute so I'm just going to put down a general update.
The last two weeks have been tough, ever since the skipped MC meeting and the BS about my dog, I've really swallowed just how "over" my M is. At this point I see no chance of reconciliation and still waiver on whether I'd be open for it myself. Cadet's line when I first joined about the LBS being the one that eventually makes the decision is starting to hit home.
On BD, I thought it was all about my, my addictions, my lack of emotional maturity, and my issues. If I could get those all sorted out, then we'd have clear sailing from then on. I have gotten those issues handled (day 197 today), have worked the programs, have put the time and honesty in with my IC, and could list all of the ways that my life is different now. Not only different, but also all of the communication levels, and emotional interactions that I no longer tolerate, not just in myself, but in those I deal with. How eight months of hell have literally changed my DNA.
This past weekend I spent the day with the employees of our company and my business partner on an appreciation day for them. I was the only sober one out of the group, which was not my usual role with this crew of people. The pull was there, but it wasn't just to have a few beers, or smoke a joint with them. It was to be back in my old life. One where I did have a few beers, smoke a joint with my team, but more importantly - to try to find joy in that life. I felt the pull of 70% happy. I felt the little voice say, "You can make a life out of this business, you can live like this forever. 70% happy is better than most people dream of."
However, the louder voice said, "70% happy is not good enough. 70% happy led to addiction, lying, and two lives because it was not good enough then. Don't for a second fool yourself that it will somehow be good enough now. Especially now."
So I didn't. As hard as it was not to stay sober, but to realize that the life I built for myself prior to BD and my whole world imploding was not ever going to be good enough moving forward. That whole life was my round peg to that square hole. It was tough because it means a rebuild, and I'm (censored) tired after the last eight months! But it's also exciting because the little glimpse I feel from time to time of the life I'm going to be living moving forward is exhilarating.
On some level I'm beginning to think that my W is also a square hole. Or at least my M was. It wasn't just about my addictions, it wasn't just about my LL or communication style, it wasn't all me but me trying to fit into 70% happy in my relationship, and on a very real level, my W doing the same thing only realizing this a lot sooner and pulling the plug because she didn't have the same numbing agents that I had so she felt the pain long before I could even recognize it. I feel for her and her experience of our M. I'm sorry for it. My truest desire is for her to be fulfilled in her own life. We both deserve that.
That's how I feel today anyway, if things follow the usual emotional course I'm sure I'll be back on here in an hour professing my undying love for her and how much I miss her. I do miss her. I just don't miss my old life with her.
What a mind (censored) this whole process is.
Have a good week fellow DB'ers, it's a brand new one filled with endless possibilities. May they be peaceful, pain easing, and maybe even sprinkled with bits of joy.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Relax, your WAW has her timetable. This is a journey.
Sweetness you have the ultimate precious gift of time, take it.
The absolute worst is over! You are becoming. Fretting won't assist, serenity will.
Go with the flow, let it unfurl. It will be. It is enough to be PP.
You PP are becoming the best you can be, relax let it happen. Go with the program let your higher power in further. You see that artificial highs and lows are artificial and addictive.
You can ask no more or less of PP to be free to be, I am so proud of you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/03/1511:33 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
PP, what great introspection you have in your post! I am so proud of the decisions that you have made, but more so that you are proud of yourself. You should be. Faced with a situation that is frustrating, non fulfilling, and pain filled, then faced with an easy slide back into 70%, you chose the healthier choice for PP.
Yea!!
I am glad to know you on here and to follow your inspirational journey.
*hugs* E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Thank you V & E. I have to admit that I got a tiny bit flustered after seeing two responses from the board's most prominent ladies! Thank you both for your replies. They help me a lot.
I can definitely relate to Zeus's concept of a "hangover". I believe I'm in the DB version of a hangover for sure. I feel like my adrenals are fried after these last eight months and tasks that usually take an hour take two days.
Even knowing that this week my W will be responding to Wonka's masterful email regarding my dog, I'm feeling completely blah. I'm not looking forward to her reply either way right now. Not looking forward to it meaning, I don't really care which way it goes. If I get him back for a bit, great, if not, oh well.
V, you are correct, I was also addicted to the back and forth between my W and I over this last month. The anger as well as the anticipation were fueling me. Now I just feel a malaise.
However, I'll take this malaise over the deep depression of a few weeks ago and the panic driven mania of the start of BD. It's more of an "Ok, this is life from now on. Let's just hangout here for a bit and gather up some energy before thinking about hitting home runs again."
This is my PMA for today. Life's going to be amazing again, but right now it's a time to rest a bit, recharge, really detach, and just be ok with being ok.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
One thing about post BD and sobriety is that my gut has gotten a lot more in tune.
After asking for my dog back I had a feeling that my W's response would be to bring up filing. And she has. I'll post some of the email later to get Wonka's take on a response, but essentially she asked for us to start a Summary Dissolution. I'm not sure if we qualify for it given some of our financial aspects, but her intention is clear - the time has come to finalize everything.
She did ask me again if I was taking our dog's needs into account or just playing off of my own needs. One sentence at the end of a longer email.
Probably in my best interest to speak with an attorney huh? We don't have any property together or children but we both have businesses. Mine was started prior to us getting married and hers was started during out marriage.
Not the best day of the week for me, but not as crushing as it would have been without all of the detaching of late.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sorry to read your last post. I was still thinking about the earlier one, which was so insightful BTW. You are seem like you have grown heaps since first joining. I am so proud of you!!
My H just pulled out that D card when he wanted to push back on something I did and was saying to get me to back off. It could be more of a power play to let you give in on the dog. Just throwing that out there. Mine was face to face and I could pick up that he was not confident in what he was saying. Email/text is harder for sure. I will let vets chime in on how to respond. I am glad that detaching has lessened the blow, but it still (censored)!
Seeing big hug to you.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
PP, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoy reading your posts on the forum and I think you have come a long way. Even if your W decides to file, this is by no means over - you get to decide on that...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
