Thinking about you Z. i hope you are doing better today. I wish I could help...I also am thinking all the time if it was real, the things they said, things they've done..how far away all that seems from where we're at now. But honestly...i don't think it does any good to keep thinking that.
I hope the response you get is the one you're hoping for. But like you said, at least you'll know. Praying for you
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
H, Did you mean what you said to them about not wanting this divorce or not understanding it? Why have you called our MC? Then what I have been trying to tell you and what I have to say here is not pointless.
If you've been honest about not wanting this, then why the hell are we here? There is a path back. Where there is a will there is a way. We loved each other enough for that to be possible.
The judge will ask us during the hearing if we believe counseling could help. I want to believe you are a good man trying to be a better one, despite everything you have done and said to me. I took my vows seriously. If you wish to address the violence and the deeper hurts your verbal attacks have caused me, if you wish to earn trust - that door is still open. It would be difficult, but if you have meant the things you've said to X,Y.Z, and whomever else, you can do something about this. I am not perfect either, and you had some hurts too. I know this.
But it's been my impression for the last several months that this is exactly what you wanted for all the reasons I outlined, based on what you have done and said. If I had thought any part of you had any regret or feelings at all, or was doing anything other than playing a big game over the papers, I would not have pushed so hard for you to finish this. It has been upsetting to me to hear that you were at all conflicted. I am, and have been, living under the belief that you came back to appease friends and family, without much love or respect left for me, despite what you said. I believe that because of that void, you did what you did, possibly even planned it to time with your check arriving, so you could throw your hands up to say, "divorce is all we can do." And then happily went on your way to look for your emotional and sexual needs to be met elsewhere, as your inability to drive magically fell away. On the whole I feel used, betrayed, and I am still in disbelief. It would be a hard path and it would take a lot of work to re-establish trust.
And I still stand by what I said to you; if you want to commit to counseling, owning your behavior and changing it, and you're willing to put in the work to make this a positive relationship, I will stand by you. Before I asked you to leave the house, I said as much; asked you to promise it wouldn't happen again and you said you couldn't and you weren't interested in anger management classes. You seemed to blame me for causing all of that in you. Maybe you have a different perspective now. I don't know.
I have a session scheduled with MC/IC at 3pm tomorrow. She's told me she's tried to call you back but your voicemail won't allow for a message. You are welcome to join, or we can meet in public later if you would like to discuss. You are still my husband. I don't mean to cause you pain by unwanted contact, but I don't want to stand at the hearing and think there was anything more I could have done.
If I don't hear from you, I'll move forward as planned and not contact you again. The garage door is open and you don't need rommate or me to be here to open it.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
No call, no show, it was as I thought, pretty words and lip service. This is what he wants, and because of what he did and is not willing to do, I'm quite at peace. I did everything I could.
Onward and upward.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Z again, I disagree with this. I will not try to contact you."
I suppose I would disagree too, if looking at myself in the mirror every day was necessary. If this was not sent out of cruelty, he must've really made me into some kind of monster in his head.
Cold as f***.
You know, today I said a prayer that God would heal whatever was needed to be healed in him and me if it was possible to bring us together again. And that if not, he would give me peace to move on.
Peace, like revenge, seems to be served up cold.
I am never looking back. Whether he is inhuman, a systematic abuser, messed up, personality disordered, narc, irrational, immature, coming down with the mental illness his mother had, it does not matter. He wasn't a husband I thought I married. That person is dead to me. This person is not needed in my life.
I wish I had never given any heresay about his upset feelings a second thought.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I am never looking back. Whether he is inhuman, a systematic abuser, messed up, personality disordered, narc, irrational, immature, coming down with the mental illness his mother had, it does not matter. He wasn't a husband I thought I married. That person is dead to me. This person is not needed in my life.
I wish I had never given any heresay about his upset feelings a second thought.
This keep this in mind, you did every thing you could and it wasn't enough he didn't want it. you cannot remotely have any r with anyone who doesn't want one in return.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Thank you Tlee and Bob. Zephyr, I'm sorry, too. Vanilla, I need to write one more letter. It is the one I should have perhaps written the first time.
Zelda,
For a long time you struggled and you tried to stabilize, and help him find his happiness, to see reason. This was never your job. Your thanks was increasing abuse and apathy. His aching soul, the holes in him that screamed no one cares, no one listens, it's all their fault - this was a tidal wave you couldn't have turned. You must have no regrets. You had a beautiful life with him, in moments, and it's okay to miss those and to still love those times. Amid every happy memory, you know there was upsets on either side. You no longer have to deal with hurt, insults, injustice. Your life is quiet and full of love now as you choose.
You tried to heal the things inside you that couldn't simply let his wounding bounce off of, shrug off. You are still trying to separate it. It's ok. Love shouldn't feel cruel. It wasn't yours to own.
You are beautiful and have a conscientious heart. All of his lies about you being selfish, bad with people, it isn't true. You can be softer, but without being punched in the gut at random, it is easier to take that shell off. Forgive yourself.
Have faith in your future. Your skills are hard won and valuable, and you just need to focus forward now. A life well lived is the best revenge. Trust there is someone out there who is your equal and who will love you with maturity when you're ready.
Unfortunately, it is exactly what it looked like. He may justify it, and he may say pretty things, but in the end you don't need his apology or love. You'll never get it because it's not in his character to look at himself or think about anything that is hard.
You've been through it. Quiet your heart and mind. Be at peace, a little more each day. Let your strengths carry you: tenacity, focus, humor, love, openness, willpower.
This world is your oyster. You need to rise like a phoenix from the ashes and decide what you'll create in moving forward. Let it be your art, the biggest show of force of life you can imagine. Love those that have been there for you, hold them close. Be good to yourself. Eat well, sleep well, laugh, kindness and respect to you and all around.
The day of that hearing, let your light shine out. Let him never forget who you are at your core, and let that core carry you with confidence and resolve, peace, as you face him. Know that you are a woman a fool would have done this to.
Try to forgive, because it will hurt you if you don't. Feel the pity for him your friends do, and at a distance. It's okay to wish him well and if he changes for the better and lives happily ever after, be at peace.
There is life waiting for you, bigger, kinder and full of colors and hope you would have never known here in the past. Let the trauma and the hurt go. I love you.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
There is life waiting for you, bigger, kinder and full of colors and hope you would have never known here in the past. Let the trauma and the hurt go. I love you.
