XW's fog lifting, wants to work on fixing us

[gogofo]

Previous thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...517#Post2587517

Things have changed since going dark.

The XW invited me to lunch on Monday, I declined.

Tuesday morning she called me to ask some random question and then asked if we could talk when she dropped the boys off, I said okay.

The talk... I will try and paraphrase.

She is struggling with closure after the D. She has tried many things to get over our M and deal with the D, but nothing helps. She over schedules herself to stay busy, travels, does things with family, etc, but nothing was working. She said her IC suggested she ask me about getting closure.

I asked what she was looking for or what closure meant to her and she really had no answer. After some more talks I told her my true opinion, that she has a "Gogofo" sized hole in her and that the D was not the answer.

Some talk about issues in the M. I said there were things I would do differently. I ran down to her what I thought happened from the first time she left me all the way through the D.

Had some talk about OM and how that effected us and the M.

I pressed her on some questions. She expressed some of her errors. Can't remember is there was much remorse or not. She is now owning up to feeling like she was having a MLC. I told her she put a lot of her issues on me and that I took a lot of blame for issues that were not because of me. I told her D'ing me was not the solution to her issues and it was BS.

She admitted her to some of her faults and even admitted that she is not the big strong tough independent woman she portrays herself to be. She is actually needy and sometimes weak; I agreed with her.

She talked about missing family times, and how hard holidays and b-days have been and how 6 months later she does not feel better. She talked about how I am the only person in her life that she has ever spent time with and never got bored or sick of me. I told her about re-writing our history when she thought I was the problem in her life and only saw our past as bad.

I did a lot of listening and letting her talk. I got the sense that she was poking around and inquiring about how I felt about her. So I manned up and flat out asked her if she wanted me. She went to explain what she wanted; to feel happy and cared for, etc. When she was finished I asked her is she wanted ME. She stopped and got a little teary-eyed and said yes.

We talked more about fixing what was our M. She said we needed MC before I could say it. I said that I was not going to do it in an open marriage and I told her I wanted to see action from he because she served me with D papers.

Yesterday she send a video of the boys riding bikes and today she sent a snapchat of them at the park. I did not respond to either, I remained dark for my own sanity. I am trying to 180 my over enthusiastic approach I did when trying to reconcile before.

Today when I picked up the kids she approached me again and asked about our talk, speaking in code because the boys were in the room. She said she had been up and down and was wondering why I was not communicating with her. I told her again that I would be open to working on us as long as we had help and it was just us. I said I did not want to be the other man.

This leaves me now with the next step in a possible first time full reconciliation attempt. She is leaving the country on the 25th so I assume we will talk before then. I need to reiterate that I am ready to work on this with a MC and no OM.

I am more nervous and guarded this time because I have clarity and am not in the panic of loosing her that I had when we were still married. It was nice to hear that she is struggling and misses me and wants me, but I want to see and feel it. I am sure I will be guarded for quite some time. We both also agreed that if we do this it needs to be slow.

[HPoirot]

Hey gogofo. Great to hear the XW is showing good signs. Do you need to reiterate your "no OM" boundary though? She already knows that and your showing strength by pulling away from her and letting her pursue you seems to be working. In any case... best of luck to you.

[HeavyD]

What a great post to read. I hope your trajectory continues upwards. I really liked reading your post and how you validated and listened and also got your truth out - no other man.

I hope your W realizes YOU are the best thing in her life. I really really hope the reconcilliation takes hold.

I am praying for y'all.

HeavyD

[gogofo]

Thanks HP and HD. It has been a wild ride. I am nervous about being vulnerable again, I also assume she it too.

When she said she wanted me I started to talk and she kind of got sh!tty back at me, or started to. She thought I was going to say "Good I'm glad you want me, now go "f" off". I told her she may "want to stop and listen. I know you are feeling vulnerable and now trying to protect yourself, but let me talk."

I told her how the D was the wrong answer to our problems and how I let go, but still believe in us being able to fix things.

She was scared to open up and tell me she wanted me, but did so anyways. I asked if she would have told me on her own. She said yes, not so soon or is quite the same way, but yes she would have told me. She did not expect to admit to it that night.

Other things came up too. It was a pretty healthy talk. Very calm . It was the first time I saw her taking some ownership for her side of the street. If the discussion was genuine it could be the start of actually trying to address the issues and repair them, not just bury them and hope they will disappear.

She even admitted that she was punishing me during our reconciliation attempt because of the hurt she felt before. She is getting IC and it seems to have her looking inside now and not running from her problems. This is helping her realize things about herself which should help.

I asked if she liked doing IC and she said it was painful looking at herself. I told her it made me feel sane.

This time if things move forward we seem to be laying a plan for a good foundation instead of just painting up the place to make it look better for a while before it crumbled.

[gogofo]

One other thing that I remember from the conversation was I said I want commitment to us, and only us. She said that she doesn't know any other way than to be fully committed, which is true. She will make a plan and usually see through its completion. Unfortunately this is how the D came about. She said she didn't see it as the end of us, but the end of a bad relationship. When I went dark it showed that I was not there after a D. I did not give her any cake to eat, I was just throwing shade.

I noticed a shift in her attitude a month or more ago and she confirmed it with me that she started to see that her life had not changed much at all and she was still hurting, even more so with me gone.

I believe if I was her friend after the D that she would not be second guessing the D; she would of had me to play family with to satisfy that need with no strings attached and be free to do what she wanted.

Thank you everyone on the board for advising me to not be her friend. It is the correct move. I even told her that I do not want to be her friend, I never did. This is the first time she ever felt like she lost me. I did truly drop the rope after the D. I never took the bait she through out after the D. She came at me for the talk. I even made her ask me to talk when she came inside that night intending to talk with me. That is the most action she has put forth. Any time before it would be me answering her when she asked "why should I not D you" or "why was I never worth it before". I made distance and now she is choosing to come to me.

[WhyUs]

I just read hour entire story. I am so glad you have shared it. This is very inspiring to read. It helps me to realize what I have to do. Thank you and good luck.

[gogofo]

I just realized somethings about myself that have changed.

Two weekends ago I made bunk beds for the boys, I moved them out of their toddler beds and they still wanted to share a room so I made them bunk beds.

I came up with a design and went to Home Depot on a Friday and built them all weekend. It probably took 15 to 20 hours of build time, but they are awesome.

What is different about this was that I committed to a project and followed through, and in a timely matter. This was something that I struggled with and have been working on. I have been making lists and trying to keep up with them. It is funny that I did not notice this accomplishment until now. I am proud of myself.

Another thing is that I ordered new wheels and tires for my truck, something I have wanted for two years. As a recovering "nice guy" I never felt it was appropriate or that I should spend the money on myself. I did wait for a bonus check, but I also did order them and did it just for me. Complete selfish move and I deserved it and am happy I did it. It felt good to take care of my own needs.

So some continuous baby steps have lead to some personal gains in my life.

[HeavyD]

Good for you. I too feel your emotion - never did anything for me - always for wife and kids.

I am slowly doing things for me now, buying books, going to movies, going to opera, and just learning to be OK with me.

Its quite empowering isn't it?

[Starsky309]

I just realized somethings about myself that have changed.

Two weekends ago I made bunk beds for the boys, I moved them out of their toddler beds and they still wanted to share a room so I made them bunk beds.

I came up with a design and went to Home Depot on a Friday and built them all weekend. It probably took 15 to 20 hours of build time, but they are awesome.

What is different about this was that I committed to a project and followed through, and in a timely matter. This was something that I struggled with and have been working on. I have been making lists and trying to keep up with them. It is funny that I did not notice this accomplishment until now. I am proud of myself.

Another thing is that I ordered new wheels and tires for my truck, something I have wanted for two years. As a recovering "nice guy" I never felt it was appropriate or that I should spend the money on myself. I did wait for a bonus check, but I also did order them and did it just for me. Complete selfish move and I deserved it and am happy I did it. It felt good to take care of my own needs.

So some continuous baby steps have lead to some personal gains in my life.

Nicely done, bro!


Starsky

[gogofo]

Thanks guys.

On the XW front she has been reaching out to me.

On Sunday we went to the park with the boys is the morning before I had to go to a b-day party.

After that she asked to go to the park again with the boys and we were teaching them to ride their bikes together. We went back to her place and she cooked dinner and we put the kids down.

Last night before bed she sent a couple text messages to me before bedtime.

She is starting to show effort and I am not jumping all in with both feet like I did before. I hope I have learned my lesson about moving all in way too fast. She leaves for a wedding in Spain on Saturday for a week and I am taking the boys to California.

I will see if she continues to make an effort towards us. She did say that she missed and wanted "me" not just a good relationship. She also said we needed MC to do it as we both know we cannot go back into the same R.

Not sure how you go from being D to getting into MC but we will see how we progress to getting into MC; I'm trying not to push. She knows my terms, I am just not waiting and basing my actions on her.