On silence and patience

[Wonka]

Asitis,

NDY has done all he could in DBing and his W is steadfast in her resolute to plow ahead divesting the assets through L. The main thing is for NDY is to let W go and focus on himself while maintaining respectful and cordial interactions with W.

Sometimes it does, sadly so, take for a D for the realization to sink in the WASes mind what the hell happened and why they made those types of choices.

As you well know, D isn't the end of DBing. There have been success stories even after D paperwork has been filed and the spouses moved out of the marital house.

For now, NDY's goal is to keep the house for it is his and their son's house. I think that is where the focus needs to be on at this stage.

[NDY]

Hi everyone

Thanks for chipping in.

I agree with wonka but for the purposes of the thread I may as well put down here what my (thus far) DBing efforts have been. Can't do any harm.

As wonka said, in relation to interactions with my WW communications are at a minimum* (more on this in a second). I keep them wonka style i.e polite and cordial with just a hint of pleasantry (giving the impression I'm ok with this). I'm also flexible with arrangement for S9 as I think it's important to keep this up.

When I have S9 I'm always with him, playing with him and trying new things with him (did you see the nerf gun thread? It's his new hobby that he loves).

When not with S9 at the weekends I'm GALing and when the opportunity arises I will GAL during the week as well. Not always possible with work etc but I try. I met an old friend for lunch today that I haven't seen for years.

At home I'm learning to cook as well. Something I never did. Probably now that I have to cook for myself and I have the freedom to experiment I'm getting quite good at it (well, S9 eats it so something must be right).

Detaching very well. Ok so I'm not in direct contact with the WW so we shall see when we do finally meet if that is the case or not. Note that I'm even handling the L's correspondence and feel detached about it.

So all the 'other' DBing techniques (i80's etc) are on the back burner right now. Don't get the chance.

*On the communications

WW was in contact yesterday about S9's custody for the next few weeks. This was fine, it only took one email for me to agree. But I did ask about arrangements for S9's birthday.

She responded, which was fine but she added that she's going to look at a rented flat this weekend. I simply replied 'good luck with the flat'.

Now, getting your hands on a rented flat in my area is difficult. I tried a few times and failed (rented before I could get to see if or landlord wants a long term lease etc). I haven't said anything to WW and don't intend to. But if she were to get it then she will need furniture from my house.

I've seen differing opinions on here so my question is this. If she asks me to help (she may not, we shall see) do I say yes or no? To me saying no would look like me being a jerk but is a yes pursuing? I haven't sent any pursuing signals out to the WW for quite some time now.

Thoughts?

[jim0987]

Hi NDY,

Just chipping in with my take on if she asks you to help out and really to me it depends on what help she asks for, you'll have to judge whether it seems reasonable and what it costs you, basically if the answer are yes and nothing then saying no is being a jerk, if the answers are no and a lot then its definitely pursuing to still help.

more importantly though, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't give it any thought until/unless it comes up, no need to borrow trouble from tomorrow, today has plenty.

[NDY]

Hi Jim

Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your view and you are right. No point in worrying about it now. I have enough to deal with.

[Painter]

If she asks for your assistance, outside what she is entitled to (like part of the furniture), I'd just say 'I'll have to think about it and get back to you.' Then figure out what your boundaries are.

I don't see why you should help her go through with something you disagree with.

And take that L by the collar and give him a good shake! That is unacceptable that he communicates and sends letters without you approving it first!

[NDY]

Morning painter. Thanks for dropping in.

I've spoke to my L and he's on the same page now. It was only his first letter that was terrible. WW's lawyer is trying to be a bit of a bulldog and wants to be a bully. My L has called her to calm things down. I can't make things go any faster than they are and to be honest why would I want to? As for her flat. Ok, so if she gets it I'll sit back and watch how it plays out. I won't need to finance it as WW is financially independent but she may want her stuff from the house. Just wait and see.

Anyway GAL plans all teed up for the weekend. Going out tonight and then have S9 the rest of the weekend. It's going to be movie tastic. We want to see the new terminator film but he's not seen the old ones. Weather here is going to be poor so I'm going to download the back catalogue to watch then go to the movies. It'll be a blast.

[Huddy]

Morning NDY

Do you help? Gut reaction is no. She's put herself in the situation, she needs to get herself out of it. However, if you're like me, you just can't help yourself to be reasonable. I understand where you're coming from with the 'let's see how she gets on line'. I feel that is detachment. No needy NDY stomping around telling her she'll never be able to do it etc.

That sounds like a good plan. Weather is terrible (again) whereas rest of UK is in blistering sunshine. Typical!

[NDY]

I know mate. It's pretty cruddy here right now. Hardly any summer at all.

So yea. I'll just sit back and wait and see. Not entirely sure why she felt is necessary to tell me about the viewing but there you go.

[Huddy]

Quick tug on the rope to see if you're still attached.

[NDY]

Possibly. Don't know but I'm pretty confident my response to her shows I'm not. I used the 'wonka' technique. Really glad she stops by here now and again. She's a master of the email language.