I just got caught up on your thread. We must live very close to each other. I was at the same happy hour with the Brazilian band. There is another Brazilian band there on July 10. Probably saw each other and did not even know it.
Hope you are doing well.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I am sorry I have been out of the boards, have been very busy with work. And when I have a little free time, then I have my GALs.
I what I said sounds really good, busy, busy. but H still finds the way to storm my life.
What I have been doing: * Kids appointments, my own and errands. * Bridal shower - with lots of my girlfriends. * Wedding rehearsal dinner. * Wedding * Friday nights with friends, happy hour, samba dance. * Going for more dancing after samba. * Zumba class Saturdays morning. * School. * Going to the gym whatever I have some time. * Practicing driving with one of my kids. * Hiking * Bicycling
H is saying to me: * You are a beautiful woman. * You are a wonderful person, woman. * I love you a lot, can't stop loving you. * My future is uncertain, just like any kid's future. * In 18 years married to you I was never so unhappy as I am right now. * I see more clear now that I did not value enough, did not respect you enough. * I see that I react very negative to many things when you were just saying the truth. * I am going through all this pain because I did this. * I am responsible for my family's pain. * I did hurt you and the kids. * I spent too much time building up my career what by the way is not were I want to be. Now, at the end of my career, I realized that I was not recognized by all what I do for my company. * I destroyed my marriage, my family for my career and now I have my job but I have nothing. * I need to go back to God, and build up my way back to be myself again. * I don't know what to do next, I feel I am healing. * I am lonely, and the only person that still supports me is you. * You do not exist. * My life is a mess.
***And in all of this, he cries, cries, and cry some more.
H says a lot of stuff, but he did not say what is important for our M, our R: What H did not say: * I regret what I did and I would like to work in our M. * I am sorry I am confused, but maybe we hold the D and try to work in our R. * I love you and I realized that I was happier with you, so lets give a chance.
H says everything around the issue. He says he can see all what he did wrong and I believe he sees what I did wrong. But it is still not enough for him to realize that we can build up our M again. We have been changing, he could at least give it a try.
But no, he does not want it.
What I do when H talks like this: * On Saturday I said again to him that we have nothing to talk about anymore. That he really needs to leave me alone. ...He does not listen to me, it is like if I said nothing. * I validate, say that many things could be a different reaction from me. * I say that I respect his decision and won't be in his way. * That he will be OK, the pain will go away. * That he is a very intelligent, capable, hard working man, he is a nice person.
I tough it would be difficult, but I never had any idea of this nightmare. The more distance I put in between us, the more he says all this stuff and cry like a baby.
Sometimes I tough that H was calculating his every move, but right now I am really confused because he really looks like a big mess.
What I need to do: * Continue with my life, support my children and try to be happy at least once a day. * Get farther and farther from H. Set up more boundaries and try do not see or talk to him except because the kids when necessary. * I do not want to feel this pain anymore, I accept that the D is around the corner and it will happen. * I want H to go, be away from me, never say these things to me and then do nothing to rebuild the M. If he wants to go, then he must go.
I don't know much what to think besides this, I don't know what or how to feel anything anymore. I am exhausted, I am stressed out, I want to let go now because I can't take it no more.
I want some peace in my mind. I have been kind of sick all the time. I think the emotional is making me sick. It's time to let go on my M for good.
I have a three day weekend, so I will try to catch up with every one. I am a sad and I am grieving a big death, but I just want to let go so it does not hurt anymore.
Toots, your analogy makes a lot of sense and as much as it hurts it is always better to see what is really happening.
V, loved the way you explain detachment. During this last interaction with H I was just that, a fly in the wall, nothing more. I think I said maximum 3 words for him.
Jim, if H loves me or not it does not matter anymore. What matters is that he is not saying he wants to work on his M. I am disposable.
RD, my sweetheart RD, I also needed to stop writing to you much because it was getting me confused between reality and virtual fantasy. I am very vulnerable and need to be careful I don't hurt myself in the process of recovering.
At some point you were in my head all the time, much more then H was. But, I do not want to create the drama and fake the process of grieving.
For some reason I do not explain, it is very easy to think about you and smile.
Love to you all and thanks so much for being part of this painful journey. You are all great people, you deserve the best.
Hi Pink. Firstly I think H is starting to come out of MLC He may not have said the right words but I think the intent is there to see I believe you have to continue to detach and live your own life At the same time your H needs you , that's very clear. Detachment will take time and D means nothing in our lives but a piece of paper.
In your post I see you still love H and I would be amazed if you didn't as your a loving person and you can't just turn that off
Give your self time to let all these feeling settle
2nd You have been a huge support to me and I often re read your posts to me as you have a way of bringing me back to the real world and letting me see that being there for EXW sometimes is the right thing to do. I understand you have enough issues with H that you don't need any further complications with an online poster that you have fallen in love with !!!!!!!
I will stop posting on your thread until my humble opinion is asked for Please know I am but a post away if you need to chat
Pink - good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you and missing your posts. Sounds like you have been busy with some nice things my friend..
Your H certainly sounds somewhat regretful and I think there's quite a lot of self-pity in there too. Who knows whether he's emerging from MLC? I read somewhere that if there's OW still on the scene, the replay phase is still ongoing. But I'm no expert.
As you say Pink, H says many things - but there are important things he doesn't say or do - and so it is best to keep moving forward yourself until or unless something significant changes.
The thing that worried me is how tired and sick you say you feel. Your health and the welbeing of your family are the most important things here. So if you need to take some time to recharge - please do it. This is a tough time and our sitches use up so much energy. It's important to remember that there is a whole life out there waiting to be lived. And what our H's may or may not be doing is just a tiny part of that.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As you say Pink, H says many things - but there are important things he doesn't say or do - and so it is best to keep moving forward yourself until or unless something significant changes.
Hi Pink,
Wow, you have so much going on. It doesn't surprise me that you haven't had time to post. I'm sure all on this forum understand.
What our dear friend Toots said above really makes sense to me.
Try to take care of yourself.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Please, understand that what I said about getting mixed up because my online friend is not a reason to stop communicating with you.
You are a strong and very lovely man that has been helping me a lot during this difficult time in my life.
I do not want to stop writing to you or getting your advices and well wishes. It keeps me going, it strengthen my soul.
You may be surprised but one of the things I really love about you, is the fact that you a holding your household together, that you are very responsible with your children and put yourself second when it comes to them.
It shows me that instead of weak, you are very, very strong and you care. You are enduring a lot of pain and a hard time, and still find the strength to care.
I don't know what life holds for us all in the future, but like Toots says (and I agree with Toots!) that M and H is just one part of our big life. We have a lot of life ahead of us. A lot to live for and a lot to find, explore, enjoy.
You will always be my sweetheart, a smile in my face.
That's really amazing that we were in the same place. I will probably be there on 7/10, I just need to find out what are the board rules about giving info out to meet other members.
It sure would be nice to meet someone with similar issues and share some of the burden of trying to survive the D.
Which band do you like best? I like Ginga better, they play a more samba rhythm, the Sambadende is more like Bahia bit, the Olodum stuff. I like it but not all the time.
