I sense there is a big underlying issue here, a huge elephant, to be eaten one bite at a time.
Let me be H for a moment:
I turn up at my old home whenever I chose I get fed, watered, I can even sleep, watch TV Magnificent breakfasts, I miss those My wife is looking good these days I live with two old ladies and cats and dogs which make me itch I have a gf I am passionate about but who is far away I text my xW because I am lonely I involve myself in her life when I chose Oh yes, it's her birthday about now sometime
My XW is great, she doesn't mind very much and lets me do as I please
She engages with my texts and calls She lets me keep my stuff at her place She packs She interacts and is friendly
All good then?
Pink, detach, let go, let H look after H. You can chose to let H take the full consequences of his life choice. Sweet P, you need your space.
Hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/21/1506:28 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sorry about my absence. I was mad but then extremely busy. Work has taken most of my time these days. Sometimes I wonder why so many people are so sick. We have a ton of patients, a lot of them are people with diabetes. Crazy, most of these folks were not born with diabetes.
Anyway. After being so mad about the whole fiasco on my birthday. I end up the week in a good note.
Last Friday, I was in my way to meet two girl friends for a Happy Hour in Boulder. So, I dressed up, put a nice make up and just like GG, had my high hills on.
I was driving in a large and long avenue when I noticed that there was a truck driving very slow. When it got closer, I noticed that it was H's truck. He drove beside me most of the way. The avenue becomes one way street at some point and I merged just behind H.
I kept saying to myself "Let Go", and that's what I did. I drove behind him and then went my way. I did nothing to call his attention and just ignored it.
Had a good GAL, after the Happy Hour we went to a hotel were a Brazilian band was playing. We danced a lot. Met some friends, laughed, had a lot of fun. I met a friend that invited us to go somewhere else to dance a little more and we did, it was super, we danced and had fun until 12:30am.
On Saturday morning I went to my Zumba class. Wow, got a good sweat. After zumba, went for a coffee with a friend. She said really good things about me, it was nice to hear that.
Saturday night had dinner out with the kids.
On Sunday, got a call from a friend asking me to go hiking. So, I put my clothes and stuff in a car and went to church first. Met some friends and we decided to talk a little more. Went to a burger place where we hanged out for a little over two hours.
After that I went with my friend to the Chachaqua mountain for a good hiking time. It was really good.
On sunday was Father's Day, so the kids were hanging out with their dad. I left a gift and a father's day card for him.
It was getting late so I text S21 and he said that H was still at the house. I did not have a choice but face the inevitable. Once home, I wished him a Happy Father's day and went on doing my things.
H came to talk. Asked how I was doing. Then he said that he would like to go out sometime during the week and talk. I asked what about, if he wanted to talk about some stuff about the D and he said that not at all. He said that he would like to talk about us, life and the universe.
I looked at him and said that I think it is better for myself if we do not go out. That we did talk before, that I understood his choices and respect it and that we do not have anything to talk about. That I am fine with the life I have.
H got emotional, had tears in his eyes and went to the restroom. In the mean time I noticed a note with my name on it placed right were I have my angel in the kitchen.
Yes, I am Latina. I have a nice angel...and on father's day I put some fresh red roses and lighted a candle for the only father I have...God. I read the note and it said:
"Dear Cira, I hope that you had a Happy Birthday last week. I really do want to speak with you, if you could let me know when we could meet somewhere? I hope that you and your family in Brasil are doing well. Love, H"
I decided not to react to the note, instead I became distant. I spoke a little more with H. He said several time of how I am wonderful, that I am very beautiful.
H told me about his next trip and that he is going to visit his parents, we talked about my sister. H noticed that my grass is not very green and asked me to open the sprinkler system and I said that it is my responsibility now and I would do when I have some time.
Well friends, I treated H with respect, I spoke calmly and without any anger. I did not react to anything and spoke sometimes as I am already divorced. He was a good neighbor. H said things about us and I was not impressed.
It was all the same stuff. But I am learning to detach, to let go, to forget. I agree with V and all of you that it is time to Let go. H does not love me anymore and I need to face it the way it is.
I don't feel bad. I don't feel good either. I just don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I want him back, I miss him, I feel very said and it hurts a lot. But, sometimes I don't want him back, I feel in peace with myself, I feel I can breath and I don't hurt as much.
Right now, I really don't have any idea of how I feel. But for sure I know that H is gone and is not coming back.
We will have mediation on july 9th, depending of how much we agreed, then the next time in court will be our final D. And then, I want H as far as he can from me. I do not want him around me anymore, I will be done for good with all of this.
I am good and I am bad. I am in the middle of the tornado. I know it will pass, I know it leaves a lot of destruction. But I also know that once it is done, I can finally pick up the pieces and throw it in a trash.
Hi Pink. You sound strong and wel done on how you treated H. I think you're doing the right thing dietaching yourself Sounds like your having lots of fun and that's rally great
You say that H doesn't love you anymore I would relax back from this a bit. He certainly isn't treating you with love but he is very lost in my opinion
Pink should continue with her life and let the future re H be what it will be
Hello lovely P! Really pleased to hear about your GAL. It truly does make a big difference to how we feel doesn't it? I'm so glad you have been out and enjoying yourself, because you've had a rough time of it lately.
I agree with RD and your comment about H not loving you. I also read that in your post and thought - that's not right. I believe he does love you Pink. But I don't believe he is able to participate in a full and loving R with anyone just now. Not until he has worked through what he needs to work through. And we don't know the timescale for that.
So, this is where the detachment comes in. Making your own plans, having your own friends. Being mistress of your own destiny. Managing your own finances. Planning your own holidays, looking after your boys, being independent and so on.
All of this needn't mean that your H doesn't love you, that he is completely done, or that you are completely done. It just means that conditions aren't such that you can be in a R with him just now. Our sitches are so similar in many ways. I have had a tough time this past week - really tough, and it makes me realise I have more work to do on my own steadiness and detachment.
I started meditating again this week (I had lapsed) and have been revisiting self-help books. I'm realising in my own sitch that things may have to go all the way with H. That he truly has to get to the point where we are all done. And then he may or may not turn back in our direction. I actually feel more hopeful for you because of the family you have together.
But of course, you can't spend your life looking over your shoulder to see what he is doing. Whilst I'm typing this, I received a spreadsheet of figures from H. It looks as though he is very much moving forward with things from his end, and wants to get himself to a point where he is 'free' to start a new family. But he tells me all the time now how much he loves and values me. I'm sure he's told me he loves me half a dozen times in the past few months - go figure!
Anyways my lovely friend, we just need to focus on us and what we can control, and I think you are doing really well. You have helped me a lot on this forum, and I'm so grateful for that. One day I would love to meet you, go for a drive, sing some songs, have a glass of wine and admire your pink outfit!!!
Toots xxxx
Last edited by Toots; 06/25/1506:53 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm substantially late to this particular conversation but still want to weigh in if you don't mind.
When I read your last update I read a lot of live there from your H. Sure its not doing him any favours because something else is going on and no it doesn't mean you should be any more tolerant of his nonsense but I think he genuinely loves you still.
However, it also doesn't matter at this point because his anguish is hurting you and so you need to protect yourself which right now means detaching. It seems like you did a good job in setting your boundaries.
I hope everything away from your situation is going well and you're having a lot of fun
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Letting to is not letting H drive your emotions, not following H.
Letting go is not indifference it is respect for Pink.
So how do I detach?
This is my method, I see H or listen to him. Then I think myself outside of my body and observe my interaction with WH. I (V) am in the first place, H is in second place and the observation is the fly on the wall (third place). When I am in contact with WH, I move to third position, in other words I watch WH and I interact as if I am the fly on the wall. It removes my reaction.
Pink this takes a little practice, once you do this then you will always be able to be objective (third position) and I believe you would find it useful to do. Start with interactions which don't matter, a shop assistant that is stroppy, a girlfriend talking nonsense etc.
By doing this I remove the emotional content, it neutralises.
I really like your reccent reactions to interaction with WH, I think he is sensing he can't push your buttons any more. You are be moving a woman only a fool would leave.
I agree with Jim, there is a part of WH which still loves Pink. Isn't that inconsistent to say let go?
Absolutely not, Pink by letting go, by letting WH take the consequences of his actions you are encouraging your WH to know that his behaviour has consequences. I remember walking the difficult road with you when you confronted WH at that hotel with TauC. WH has much to do, other than sweet talk and follow you whilst you drive.
So letting go, means H does not have control of Pink, Pink can say to WH 'sweet words mean nothing' pink believes in Actions and only then 50% of them. WH where are the actions which say Pink is beautiful etc.
My IC said to me 'V lies are like rats, for every one you hear there are 50 more".
So it is with WH, sweetest Pink, if you and WH reconcile, WH has much to do.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/27/1511:38 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
