Pink's Journey # 3 - Learning to detach

[Wonka]

Pink,

I might dye my hair blue to celebrate your birthday!!

Naw...

Hope you will have a great HBD.

[SunnyB]

Yes, no time for H but he still feels the freedom of texting nonsense.

H text:
FYI - My return flight was cancelled. I am stuck in Dallas overnight and will get back late morning tomorrow, Thursday.

No replay from me...

I know, I know, no expectations, NC, do not let his text get to you, stay the course and be strong. Just be you and let H be.

I won't say a thing, I am his ex wife and his travelling schedule or problems have nothing to do with me.

AaaaaaHhhhhhhhGggggggg!!!! It is just very hard to deal with all this. Why in the heavens is he texting me this nonsense stuff?

2 x 4s welcome... Do not ask why because there is no WHY that will make any sense.

Life is easy... when you can live without crazy people around.

But, as hard as it is, I will be strong and I will forget him, totally.

Love,
Pink

Pink, this is by no means a 2 x 4 but why do you consider his text crazy? It seems courteous to me. I would appreciate it if my H had sent it. It didn't require a response, so that part is fine, but the reaction it provokes in you seems to be out of proportion.

I know that I'm in the minority here, I do better with some contact between me an H, mostly because of our kids. We only conduct idle chit chat in person, not by text. Still, it annoys me when he doesn't text, not when he does. So, dearest birthday girl, can you explain why this text was so annoying?

And...I might put a pink streak through my hair, in honor of your birthday. Not blue, but.....

[Bob723]

And yes, you will say that I am acting very angry. And I am, very, very angry because he left me, because I worked hard so he could build up his career, because he is hurting my children, because he is a selfish bastard and I trusted him, because he was sleeping with another woman when I was taking care after everything.

It's a lesson learned. Now I need to learn how to forgive and let go, and that I may find the most difficult one.

I am in pain, with hate in my heart. I need to develop a plan and I feel lost right now. I need patience. I will try.

Hello Dear Pink,

When your self-worth is threatened or your convictions are being walked all over, you will want to lash out. It is a normal human emotion. Anger deriving from self-preservation can be justified as long as you are expressing it in a way that is healthy. If you are a believer (I can't remember) start by bringing your anger to God. He can handle it!

I have said this prayer when I feel very angry at my W and the entire sitch. Not always, but quite often, it brings me comfort:

"Lord God, I am hurt, angry, and confused. I don’t like this feeling of worthlessness and rejection. I know You are the God of peace. Teach me how to accept and assimilate that inner peace. It seems so far away sometimes. Amen."

Pink, so many people (me included) care about you so much. You do not deserve what you are going thru.

Please hang in there, ok?

xoxo

Bob

[Pink17]

Hello my friends,

Thank you so much Toots, RD, SunnyB, PigPen, Sandi2, BW05 and Wonka for the warmest wishes of Happy Birthday.

I had fun. My kids and I went to Joe's Crab. We had been at this restaurant in San Diego and in San Francisco. Of course, the one in Colorado is not the best one, but it brought us some nice memories, and the food was not so bad.

Wonka... the blue hair wouldn't be so bad, it was a very, very deep dark blue. Was really nice.

Bob... I copied that prayer and will repeat every day. It will help me to learn how to let go the hate in my heart, the anger in my soul. Thanks.

You are the best!!!
Pink

[Pink17]

Hi Sunny,

My reasons why his texts are so annoying to me:

1.First he fired me as his wife. Does not want to share life with me.
2.Why, because there is another woman in his life.
3.He picked up his clothes and left like a college kid, left everything else for his mom to resolve.
4.Comes and goes, playing with my feelings.
5.Does not have any sense of responsibilities with his kids.
6.Does not care about anyone or anything besides himself.
7.Said several times, that he loves me with all his heart, that he will never love someone like he loves me but he can't see himself married to me anymore.
8.Then slowly I start learning that the best way is to do the real DBing work, follow the process and go NC, dark, move forward and try to make my life as if H won't be back ever.
9.Then every day H has something to text.
10.If he wants to go, just leave me alone.

Well, and besides this, I think he was very rude and insensitive because yes, it was my birthday, and if he wants to stay out of it, then leave me alone with the people that care about me.

The last text was:
"Dear Cira. Sorry to let you know that I was unable to use the bank card today. It was rejected for about $30 charge.

I got this text when I was having dinner with my kids. And all this because he use the card and purchase a lot of stuff using the checking account, instead of the savings. It's not the first time he does this.

I gave him all accounts info and he still does not sit his ass and just log in and do a transfer. I told him twice about this already.

Why it bothers me? Because he does not respect me at all, because he is always just thinking about himself.

Because he has a GF, then text her about your traveling. I am his EX and it does not matter to me if he comes or goes.

Because he knows me, and he needs to make sure I am thinking about him. And I need to move forward, need to be strong, need to resolve kids panic attack, need to hang in there.

Why he can not have some shame in his face and keep his life to himself. I do not call him, I do not ask anything from him, I do not bother him in any way. He was always welcome in our house.

I talk to him very friendly, I do not complain about anything. And I think I deserve at least some space to breath.

I am not and will not talk to him if not about our kids and that will be all. If he does not want me in his life, then I won't be there at all.

And by the way, I got that text at dinner time, and he knew I was out with the boys because he text the boys too. But, I never got any Happy Birthday you idiot!!!

And that is the way I feel, an idiot. This is the man that slept beside me for 18 years and now he can't even say Happy Birthday. Yes I am making a storm in a little cup of water, but I am upset with him.

I am seriously thinking it is time to see things the way they are and H is very sure about his life.

And I do not like to be around him, talking to him or even seeing him anymore. I want to be as far as possible from him. He makes me sick and I do not need the aggravation right now or ever.

I stopped playing around, I do not want to be second plan. He can go to hell and be happy as he please.

Ah, another thing is that when H is in town, he does not care if we need anything or not. It is like if he is traveling. So, why this bull to let me know he is leaving for a one day trip, or if his flight was cancelled or not? Ex wife does not need to know about this.

Sorry the big response, I think I have a lot of work to do in my anger. I was not very angry before. I don't even know why I am getting this adversity from H. I will talk to my IC about this.

Thanks for the question. It kind of challenge me.

Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, I'm sorry you didn't receive a happy birthday message from your H. The same happened to me (and for our anniversary) and it isn't very nice. Maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't feel it would be appropriate - we just don't know.

Good for you having a big think about the anger his texts incite. As Sunny says, it did seem a disproportionate reaction to a benign message from him. It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to send a text like that, so I think this is more about your anger (and therefore yours to own) about the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, I can fully understand your anger - but I think this is more about self-awareness and processing your anger in a healthy way, that supports your own goals and hopes for your M.

I'll post what you posted below, and offer some comment if I may:

1.First he fired me as his wife. Does not want to share life with me. (His decision isn't something you can control - but you can control how you feel and respond to this.)

2.Why, because there is another woman in his life. (I know - that's rotten, and I'm right there with you. The thing is, SHE isn't central here. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. It is just where he is right now. I think the important thing is maintaining your own boundary, given the presence of OW. You know the stats - she is not the love of his life...)

3.He picked up his clothes and left like a college kid, left everything else for his mom to resolve. (If he is in MLC, he may well struggle to be responsible for things. You can be responsible for your own stuff, and leave him to deal with whatever is his IMHO.)

4.Comes and goes, playing with my feelings. (Your feelings will only get played if you ALLOW them to get played. It is possible to give his texts less than a minute of your precious headspace and then get on with your day - it just takes practice and discipline.)

5.Does not have any sense of responsibilities with his kids. (You can only do what you think is right by the kids. You can't control the links he chooses to have with them - that's his to own. I would let him take full responsibility for this, and just do what you can to support the kids when they need Mom)

6.Does not care about anyone or anything besides himself. (I think his text says otherwise. He is letting you know of his changed travel plans. Were you worried that he was choosing to stay another night in order to be with OW? You can always check flight information to see if there was a genuine cancellation and then you will know and can move forward.)

7.Said several times, that he loves me with all his heart, that he will never love someone like he loves me but he can't see himself married to me anymore. (Similar to what my H has said - He loves me, I'm beautiful, the best to be married to - but I do want to D. I think this is typical MLC/WAS language. Best not to try and make SENSE of it - because SENSE is, you love me, let's work it out. But we know that things don't work like that, hence we are DBing.)

8.Then slowly I start learning that the best way is to do the real DBing work, follow the process and go NC, dark, move forward and try to make my life as if H won't be back ever. (That sounds like the best plan to me....similar to what I am doing..)

9.Then every day H has something to text. (No problem - his texts needn't have a huge impact on your day...as above...)

10.If he wants to go, just leave me alone. (You don't get to control what he does lovely P. Only what you do..)

I hope this is helpful my friend. I would encourage you to work with the IC on the anger, because processing it and moving forward from it is the best thing you can do for yourself. I hope you have a lovely day sweet P xx

[SunnyB]

Pink, I wasn't putting together that this text came on your birthday. If I had received it without acknowledgment of my birthday, I'd be upset, too. Having said that, I stand by the rest of my post, and I like that you took time to think things through. Toots has given you a wonderful response. You might have a look at Maybell's thread over in Surviving the Big D, Betsey often has insightful things to say about anger. No one is saying it's wrong to feel anger, just that it's not part of the wonderful future you are trying to build, Pink, and perhaps it's time to work on letting it go.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots and SunnyB,

Thanks for your kind words.

Toots - all words that you have offered me say the truth about my life right now. I guess the anger is one of the last feeling to process before letting it go for real.

I am really struggling to let go. For me, it does not mean that I will hope H is coming back, letting go for me means that I will close that door and will not want to open again.

I know it is very dramatic and does not need to be that way, but that is the way I process things inside of me. Maybe I learned the wrong way, I don't know, I just know that is does not work both ways inside of me.

Right now, it is not about his texts as much, but it is the lack of sensibility from his part. In my mind I think that if you do not want to be with someone anymore, then leave that person alone and make it easier for her to start building her life.

I feel angry to the fact that he disregard everything and still feel the right to report his stuff, his life. When no one's life is important for him.

I guess my next boundary will make it clear to him that I do not want to know anything about his life anymore.

It does not matter for me anymore if he is here, gone, traveling, having a belly ache or whatever. He wants to D me, so be gone for good.

I know that all this should not bother me and I need to get busy with my life and just let go on everything. And even knowing all this I feel disrespected by what he is doing.

And it is easier said then done. The mess that he is leaving behind is very real. I am the one to hold my kid's life together. I am the one to recognize all the issues and schedule IC and go to appointments. I am the one with the responsibilities to hold life together while "Don Juan" goes out and about shopping for new clothes and having fun.

So, it is right, he must go for good. The more I think and write, the bigger is the hate inside me.

And you are all right, I tough I was doing good, but I think the real work is just starting. I will talk to my IC about my feelings and all my reactions. Right now, I am determined that no matter what this idiot will be out of my life.

I am having a hard time. I was not feeling so hurt before, but I am now.

Sunny - The whole issue was really because it was my birthday and he kept texting me for other reasons. He did not just wish me Happy B-Day you stupid S**t. Instead, it was all about him again. He is so centered in himself, "Don Juan" can't see anything in front of his nose.

I will treat myself, I will work on the anger issue because it is not right for me and won't do any good to my future. But, I am very sure that I want this man away from me, and he will understand it very clear.

Pink

[Bob723]

Bob... I copied that prayer and will repeat every day. It will help me to learn how to let go the hate in my heart, the anger in my soul. Thanks.

Hello Dear Pink,

I am so happy it will help you.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Many, many *Hugs*

Bob

[rd500]

Hi Pink. you are in a bad funk at the moment and you cannot make decisions while your in this place.

You know what we all think of you on this board and we have seen your ups and downs. This is a really bad down because H has rudlely ignoried your birthday

Can I ask if you really think H would do this if he was thinking straight. what has he got to gain ? In this case I think H is looking for a reaction Pink has stood back , let H do his thing and carried on with your life. Your showing H that you can be without him and he's reacting to that

Closing the door to your heart won't work because you love him. If you didn't love him you wouldn't be so upset and angry Pink , please let go of all expectations of H. It's so difficult to do but you can do it. Show H that you can be without him. Don't react to him or his actions

We all know how much the pain hurts and it's horrible but we all have to deal with it. We will get through this , Pink will love again and be happy again. I don't know if this will be with H or some other very lucky man. This will happen

Carry on being the best Pink you can be

Take care. Rd. cxxx