I agree with RD, this is indeed an amazing post. You are right on the nail head. And I deserve the 2 x 4. I have been in this board for almost a year and still did not learn about the expectations.
You are right, I have been going in cheeseless tunnels for a long time and I am convincing myself that there should be some explanation (s) for every awkward behavior from H.
And as it is now in my head, I see a H that is totally fine, dealing with his life and moving forward. A H that has a plan and is so sure about leaving his marriage and start a R with some French girlfriend. A H that thinks that once in a while he shows up and play dad.
And then I see a H that left his family and since then is very worried about his looks, eating right, losing weight. A H that asked for a D and did nothing to start the paperwork, a H that got only his clothes out of the house and is living with two lesbian old ladies, in a tiny room, in a house that has 4 dogs and a cat while he has asthma.
I see a H that did not want to have financial review and set up at the beginning of may and is depositing his whole pay into a joint bank account, instead of just paying what he needs and try to make his life better.
Toots, you probably understand what is going on inside of me, that I try to believe that H is totally done with our M and he knows exactly what he is doing and that I am just being stupid believing in this thing about MLC.
But then I see the gaps and think that it is real and the MLC is something that is really happening to him.
OK, another 2 x 4 (many of them) on my head. It does not matter what I want to believe, what I do believe or what I don't. It does not and will not change anything.
I need to concentrate in myself, my life and my kids and be the best what I can be and do and be the best what I can be.
Lately, I have been writing here all my frustration, but outside here, I have been much of NC, dark. Every day I feel it's better to keep myself away from H right now.
And now, H has been texting me every day.
The last one was today (Tuesday) at 8:55pm. He wrote:
"Hi Cira. I wanted you to know that I will be out of town tomorrow, between approx. 6am 8pm. I have a meeting in Dallas.
...I did not answer, not my business; but now I know he will be out the whole day, on my birthday.
Then another text:
"I would like to propose to take our sons to lunch on Friday. Also, if it is OK with you, I will ask them if they want to do something on Sunday."
...And I did not answer yet. I told him many times that things like this, take them to lunch, he can just talk to them and they will let me know. They are old enough to decide about their lunch.
Sunday is Father's Day, and I am not a jerk, of course I am OK with him spending time with his sons.
I will let go as I should, I must. I will just answer tomorrow morning... "H, it's fine with me. I appreciate you spending some time with the kids."
This is a huge 180 for me. H knows how to push my buttons, in other times, I would be writing a big letter for him, but now there is nothing.
I think I can do it. Besides, I need to get busy. Yesterday, I had a little race on a highway with a motorcycle guy. It was quite nice. Not dangerous, but kind of crazy.
Today, I worked a lot, we saw a lot of patients and I end up working 8:30 hours. When I got home, the kids asked me if we could go somewhere eat a pizza, so we went to Boulder, ate a delicious pizza, saw a street artist, laughed a lot and then came back home and everyone is feeling really good.
The messages did get the best of me for a few minutes, then I remember Toots words and decide to let go, that H is going crazy and that I do not need to get crazy like him.
Wonka said before that he did a lot of crazy stuff while he was in MLC himself, so maybe it is the case and I just need to let go. I feel better feeling this way.
I love you guys with all my heart. You have been the best what happen in my whole life.
Yes, it was a great night yesterday and I will try to have a great night today.
I decided to make it special with just my boys today. It's a working day for me and S15 has physical therapy for his shoulder. He is still recovering from the big tackles in football camp. He plays O'Line - offense, left guard, so he gets big hits defending his Quarterback.
Oh Yes, racing a bike on a highway!!!! It's so nice, the guy in a bike got the message and enjoyed the ride too.
I was kind of flirting with him, he open his helmet shade and he was very handsome, probably younger then me, but what the hell.
After he pass me in a big show off with his gorgeous yellow bike, he stop at a traffic light. I drove very close behind him and started accelerating in a race mode, then he went for.
It made me feel very young again and the police was not around.
Like I said, it was all in a safe way, never put the biker or myself in any danger. As a matter of fact, I have always been very careful and now I have a million reasons for that.
I work with many folks that lost their leg(s) or arm(s) to bike accidents. It is not fun to see that part.
So, I will go out with some girlfriends for a beer tomorrow, there are a gazillion breweries in Colorado. Not sure what will be on Friday, but I am planning do not stay home, it's summer and it's time to be outside.
Saturday morning will be Zumba class again, Saturday night will go dancing. And life is good.
Have a ton of things to do, so need to get moving. To tell the truth I do not have much time for H right now. What is probably best.
I just wish I can feel this way every day.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, they are very welcome and all the hugs and kisses I can get today. You are so amazing, I own you so much of my good feelings today.
