Also, if/when she does leave OM, she will resent you for it. She will blame you for making her end it. I went through that too. Be ready. Be strong. Be prepared. Right now is a gift of time to better YOURSELF.
Also, if/when she does leave OM, she will resent you for it. She will blame you for making her end it. I went through that too. Be ready. Be strong. Be prepared. Right now is a gift of time to better YOURSELF.
Im ready for this... i knew full well as Sandi mentioned this also, she will probably come at me with a full range of emotions now since being exposed.
The second conversation should have been left off, except for saying you won't live in an open M. You were pressing to the point of pleading her to tell you she would work on the M. She was not hearing any of what you were trying to get her to say. And you sure won't get a WW to agree to a transparency plan before she is remorseful and ready to go to work saving her M!
You gave away your source of intell, and she will make sure they are more careful now. Which means, they will carry the A deeper underground. She has no intentions of ending it. She's pi$$ed and more determined to rebel.
As I said earlier, your relief will be temporary b/c other pressures will likely take its place. I hope from this point forward you will not inform her of how much you know. It never accomplishes what the LBS thinks it will.
You need to make yourself unavailable to her. Spend as much time GAL as possible. If you do not detach now, you will see no changes in her or the MR. You have to change the dynamics, and all you have done is show your cards.
Do not discuss these matters with other people, b/c it always gets back around to the W.
I agree, but whats done is done, thats why i made sure i let you know exactly what i did here so we could recover if need be, or what not to do again! Im sure this isn't the last time i will have to make a stand at this point. I do feel better though just getting that out. Like i said, i was going to wait since you said too, but after having her make that comment, i felt that was the opening of the door i was waiting for. She is not smart enough to hide this from me for long, and she knows how smart i am with this stuff (some of my job in the Gov't). She can hide it all she wants, i will be able to get access again if needed.
I didnt give away my source of intel, she is guessing and tried to remove everything and change everything. She didn't ask and i didnt say where i got the info from. I said her phone which was actually not it (her comp). Shes guessing and tried to change it all. The biggest thing is i know where she writes all her passwords down, so even after she changes them, i just need to get to the little book she keeps which ill be able to do within the week if needed. She doesnt have a good memory and has to write stuff down, that where i have an advantage because if she didnt end it, she will make mistakes and i will know. I also did not show all my 'cards', i showed her 90%, but not the full deck. I already saw she tried to delete the pics from her HD, she doesn't know i have everything backed up already. She has since put the stuff back in the house again. I already have her FB again which is a good source if needed.
So you said if i was confused to ask, matt posted there is a difference between not pursuing and dbing. can you clarify this? since DB the first thing in your list is 'not to pursue'. i get its more, but am i not understanding something?
Also you are right, she was PISSED, and i could see it in her face, but im still trying to stay positive and now im letting her know i am a man and i will not be disrespected like she was doing anymore. My take away like you said is TIME. What she showed me, and in the last week trying to make plans is i have time! Now is where i need you to make sure i use it wisely and do all i can.
Also, she is now already acting nice again, but we all know that is most likely fake and trying to throw me off (last couple days especially). I know this and i will not be swayed again like before. She has started initiating a couple things, like kissing me before she leaves, but again, im sure this is probably to get me to back off, which isnt going to happen at this point...
DBing is about the healing process for you, the self-reflection and self-improvement needed to make you a whole, happy, and desirable person. This could lead to saving your marriage.
Not pursuing is one of the tools we use to go through that process. By itself, not pursuing won't really get you anywhere. It's to allow you the space to healthily detach, GAL, make your 180s and to give your S the space to proceed with their life. But if you JUST stop pursuing, it's no good without all the other stuff.
Also, she is now already acting nice again, but we all know that is most likely fake and trying to throw me off (last couple days especially). I know this and i will not be swayed again like before. She has started initiating a couple things, like kissing me before she leaves, but again, im sure this is probably to get me to back off, which isnt going to happen at this point...
How did you respond to her acting nice and kissing you?
Quote:
Now is where i need you to make sure i use it wisely and do all i can.
IDK, I didn't do so well at getting you to hold off on confronting her. . All in all, everyone makes their own choices, and all the board can do is offer suggestions.
It is important that you continue to show her you are a man who will not tolerate disrespect, and she will test you to see how far she can push those buttons. I can't remember if it was you, or who, that said something about not having plans for this stuff but doing it as it came. However, I think you were able to bypass a few hits b/c you were warned about it, and therefore, prepared when you saw it happening so quickly. So I think it is smart to think ahead of how you will react to some things she may do.
Now that you have told her (in the confrontation), it is my opinion that you not repeat those same statements. ar the least, don't make them your default answers when you can't think of anything else. I have seen some guys do this and, to me, it seems to lose some of its effectiveness on the WW. It's best just not to have a R talk until she has ended the A and wants to save the M. The most effective way of getting her attention now, will be through your actions.
For example, you told her you would not live in an open M. She is going to see if you really meant it. Are you prepared to stick to what you said? A lot of LBS's throw that statement around, but they are depending on their "words" to do the trick. It doesn't. You have to back up what you say. That is another reason I was trying to get you to wait about confronting her. Men say a lot but when time comes for action, many are too afraid of losing their WW to back it up. Not saying you are, just saying many are.
You may find yourself hesitating to get out and GAL, and want to give excuses for not detaching. An example would be, "Shouldn't I be spending more time with her, if she's ended the A"? "If I detach, won't she think I do not want to save the M"? "What if she thinks I have lost interest? Won't it just push her further away"? These questions have been asked hundreds of times. The LBS seems to want to assure the WS they still want to work on the M. However, that is the uncertainy or insecurity (no offense) in the LBS, b/c the WW is not the one who is asking for his reassurances. It is my personal opinion that if the LBS would not be so eager to repeat his willingness to save the M, his WW would be more interested in his intentions. MWD says they should "wonder" about the LBS. FWIW, I agree!
So, get busy with setting and working on personal goals. Don't make goals about what your W will do or say, b/c you don't control her. Make goals about yourself. Get back into having fun with hobbies, sports, old friends, new friends, etc. GAL is really key here, and every person who has done it says it works in helping them. It is a great self esteem builder. Also, exercise regularly. How are you sleeping and eating?
These are not just run of the mill suggestions.......they are important. You have to take this period of time, now, to focus on you and taking care of your mental, physical, and spiritual health. Otherwise, you will crash and burn. In all likelihood, this is going to be a long journey, so you have to be in shape for the long haul.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the responses guys/girls. Matt, i get what you are saying now and the difference, thanks for clearning that...
Sandi, i just kissed her back. Nothing more, nothing less. I think she is testing me at the moment, this weekend had a couple things where she was asking if she could do A or B. Im not sure she has ended the A and like you said, i think i was dreaming to hope it was that easy... i think now she is just trying to bury it further underground...
This weekend wasn't terrible, but she was away most of the time, leading me to think she isn't really ready to fix anything. While she did have prior engaugements to do, i think she was spending too much time so she was prolly on the phone talking before/after said events and hiding it. She worked all day Sat which she hates, so i think she just wanted to get away (stayed all day and got herself dinner, which was very weird to not just come home after, so im assuming she called OM because she freaked when i calmly asked her about it, not accusing, i just asked, "any reason you didnt want to eat dinner here? Ive never seen you go to that place, i thought we had plans for em to grill so i waited?"
Sunday, she went to funtown park with the PF, and as usual picked the PF over me and again canceled dinner plans with me to spend more time with the PF. At first she asked if i minded, and i said, i thought you would come home since you have been gone all weekend bascially and we again had dinner plans already. She goes, well i spend all week with you and PF wants to have din with me, so do you mind and shes my friend. I canved thinking of how to DB this, and just said "OK, do what you want, ill make my self dinner." I then decided to leave and go get myself dinner, walk my dog and get an ice cream to cheer msyelf up and relaxing. I made sure i wasn't home when she did get back, leading her to ask 50 questions like "where are you", why are you not home, you knew i was coming back"... i just replied, i wanted to get dinner and you werent here so i went. I passed DQ and decided to get an ice cream, is that Ok?" She just said OK.
Once i got home, she acted ok, told me the hallway i had finished looked good (the project i have been keeping myself busy with). I didn't say much to here, she mostly talk about how fun funtown was (conviently said nothing about the dinner). Then we got ready for bed, same as always... we did get intimate, but it was the same as before leading me to think the A is still going on unless greif from the loss takes a while which i have read on here as a possibility? What i mean, she just layed there not into it, and it was again akward for me since there was no real feeling. i actually wondered why i did that to myself again and didnt hold off on intamacy. No kissing during more then a quick normal kiss, and would kind of turn her head away enough for me to noticed and do something else to atleats entertain myself, lol... it was that or stop.
I will reply more later but wanted to let you know about what happeend this weekend incase you can read into to more then i can. i was hoping for a change, but being put second again made me remember its still bad, and i need to continue to apply the DB and not be fooled by the kindness i mentioned earlier in the week which i thought was a good thing.
Also, i know she had to end the A. I am giving her this week and then i will have to try and gain access again i think. Im not sure how to validate anything? Do i wait for her actions? Isn't that snooping again which i know im 'not' supposed to do...? However, i dont know how anything can be validated without it. We already know she will lie, even with the evidence right infront of her face...
Im waiting for the 'test' as you say. Im not sure what you mean by this, do you have examples? Do you mean like what i said before when she changed the plans on me? should i have stayed firm and said i want you to come home? using Db i realzied, i should just let her do what she wants and act like i dont care, correct? hints me then doing my own thing to be happy... She does not text him or other infront of me like she did before the confrontation, but im sure thats just because she is trying to hide it now, i have looked when she is on her phone at who, but she just seems to be on FB (addicted).
I agree though, i am still working on GAL and finishing the hallway was a big deal for me since i didn't used to do stuff like that. I have also been working out, but stopped recently, i am in shape however already. Sleeping has been complete crap since all this went down (last month), i was down to single hours during a whole week. Since confronting, i have been sleeping better since like i said, i think it helped me show myself i can stand up and i wont take this BS. I have also been eating ok for the msot part. She still cooks for me, or i do for us since we generally eat together. I would say we are more like roomies right now then a married couple if that helps you paint the picture. It is obviously she isnt ready for romance based on her actions, like the kissing, so obviously i know i need to keep DBing and not be simply dragged along and keeping hoping she will make a turn for the better one of these days...
Im waiting for the 'test' as you say. Im not sure what you mean by this, do you have examples?
Well, I dunno, maybe like kissing you to see if you'll kiss her back. Blowing off dinner plans with you to see how you'll react. Seeing if you'll respond to her questions and fess up to where you went, instead of staying mysterious because you don't owe her any answers right now considering her behavior. Seeing if you'll try to initiate sex with her, even though she's having an affair.
Im waiting for the 'test' as you say. Im not sure what you mean by this, do you have examples?
Well, I dunno, maybe like kissing you to see if you'll kiss her back. Blowing off dinner plans with you to see how you'll react. Seeing if you'll respond to her questions and fess up to where you went, instead of staying mysterious because you don't owe her any answers right now considering her behavior. Seeing if you'll try to initiate sex with her, even though she's having an affair.
Those sorts of things. Just theoretically.
Starsky
Ok... So I guess they are all tests. I failed, so my question then on something like dinner, should I say, "you made plans, come home!" And stand my ground? Or should I just act like I don't care thus enabling her? I guess I wasn't sure what to do here in this case...
. All in all, everyone makes their own choices, and all the board can do is offer suggestions. 