We are over, now what?

[Matt777]

Tulo -

Someone told me that just because there was no action between my W and I on any particular day doesn't mean that it was a waste of a day in our relationship. I know that every day, I am one day stronger, and you never know what kind of impact that day of NC is having on the other person. If you did something to make you a better/stronger/healthier Tulo today, then it wasn't a waste.

[NDY]

It just seems like I'm loosing both my lover AND my best friend and it was/is very overwhelming.

Hi Tulo

^this. Yes, you are. Or to be more blunt you already have. Sorry for sounding so harsh but that's the reality here. If R were to happen then you will gain a better lover and a better friend if he is willing to put in the work. But for now that's not the case. In my own situation being her friend was just making it easier for her to ramp up the A. I made it worse.

[Tulo]

Think you can be right, it might just make it easier for them to go on because they feel like they still have us in the wings..

Do you think I should revoke this in any way or is NC enough?
I don't want it to feel like we're are at odds either but maybe that's just my heart not being ready to let go..

Thanks for your reply!

[EMO1234]

Tulo

Haven't read your original thread, but my H of 18 years also wants to be "friends" for our Ds sake. The thing is I am not ready for that, I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight. I have refrained from saying ILU (sandi's rules) but both he and I have slipped up to say darling/honey when we have both been emotional.

I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.

[NDY]

Think you can be right, it might just make it easier for them to go on because they feel like they still have us in the wings..

Do you think I should revoke this in any way or is NC enough?
I don't want it to feel like we're are at odds either but maybe that's just my heart not being ready to let go..

Thanks for your reply!

Hi Tulo

This is your choice. I'm not an expert here and most certainly not a vet. All I can say is that I didn't express anything with words, just action. Remember I have an active A so my situation is different. I am polite and cordial around her, but I am not 'friendly'. Sure, if a conversation starts I respond accordingly and I always say please and thank you. A bit like a work college. She gets the message.

[Matt777]

Tulo -
I'm certainly not a vet either. But I doubt you need to go out of your way to revoke your previous words. let him know how you feel through your actions. Once you can start to let go and do the things you need for you, it will be back on him to decide how to proceed.

[Tulo]

Tulo

I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight.

I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear that you also are going through this painful experience, it really hurts bad.
I think I made a mistake by this entire "friends" thing, and I will do the NC now and hopefully it'll feel better after awhile. Have you let go of hope? I try to make myself stop hoping but I can feel that deep down inside I still hope for a miracle..

All my best to you!

[Tulo]

[/quote]

Hi Tulo

This is your choice. I'm not an expert here and most certainly not a vet. All I can say is that I didn't express anything with words, just action.

She gets the message. [/quote]

I think that's what I'll do. Just don't make any contact, and be civil if he does, and nothing more. At the moment, it feels like I don't want to pick up the phone if he calls but I guess it's because I'm hurting a lot right now and not even being clear in mind. If I don't pick up, I guess the "easy breezy" thing goes a miss..

Need to GAL and hopefully at some point he'll react to my NC.

THanks for checking in NDY! Really appreciate it!

[Tulo]

Tulo -
I'm certainly not a vet either. But I doubt you need to go out of your way to revoke your previous words. let him know how you feel through your actions. Once you can start to let go and do the things you need for you, it will be back on him to decide how to proceed.

Thanks for checking in again! So appreciated!

I think I'll stick to that plan, just NC and trying to take a moment at the time..

I'm so tired of not having my happily ever after, want someone to love, who loves me back and to have a fantastic life together, through ups and downs. How hard should it be?

Hugs.

[Matt777]

Tulo

I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight.

I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.

Have you let go of hope? I try to make myself stop hoping but I can feel that deep down inside I still hope for a miracle..

I think hope for the R is important and necessary. You need to keep your ultimate goal as this. But getting the relationship back can't be the goal you're focusing on NOW. As it says in DR, you need to set short term goals that will allow you to reach this long term goal. If you lose hope or give up, then the final goal shifts from getting your R back to making the pain go away or some other thing.

This road is not quick. And it's not easy. And it's not painful.
But I believe that trusting the system is the only way to reach that ultimate goal. In order to hit that final target though, you have to keep it in your sights somehow.