I am dreading my Son's wedding. My understanding he will be there. I am not sure why, because he is his step father. It's not like they were close at all.
I guess I will have to act happy even if I am not. Put on a show.
I am so glad yesterday is over with. H and I drove together to the wedding reception. I have to admit, I did have an attitude at first and he called me out. So I sat quietly until we got there. Then as we were parking he asked me if I was mad at him and I said no, but I was angry, mad and pi$$ed at the situation. He agreed and said that he was tired of living in limbo. He did tell me that he made a therapy appt but could not get in to see the therapist until April 7th.
He did send me mixed messages during the reception such he gave me a kiss out of nowhere, then pulled back for awhile. Then rested his hand on my leg and then realized it and pulled back. Then when we got home, we were sitting on the couch and at 6 he received a text message. Then I had a sinking feeling. I hate that feeling. He said it was his bank balance, which I knew it was true because he gets his bank balance on his phone every evening at 6. He handed me his phone and asked if I wanted to see it and I said no because it wouldn't do any good if he deleted all of his text messages. He gave me a funny look and put the phone away. Trust me I wanted to look in his phone and I probably should have.
After that, he said that he had to go and gave me a hug and said that he enjoyed himself. And that was it for the night.
But I have been doing a lot of thinking. Can I really live the rest of my life being suspicious every time his phones goes off? That is a terrible feeling and I have been living with that feeling since we got married. My question for myself, will I ever trust him at all? At this moment, I don't want to live like this.
He is still blaming me for everything. Will he ever accept responsibility in his behavior such as the cheating.
Met my H for lunch yesterday. It was kinda up and down. He knew how to push my buttons and when he saw that he pushed a button, he called me out on it. I just took a deep breathe and slowly exhale.
When we parted, he hugged me and quickly gave me a kiss on the lips.
I feel so lost. A big part of me wants to call it quits and move on because there is so much pain and hurt from this marriage. I wonder if I will ever trust him again. I can't live the rest of my life jumping every time his phone goes off. Will there always be a another female in this marriage.
I have decided to join a divorce and recovery support group. It's not just for divorced people, it is also for separated people as well. Maybe this will help me to decide.
My H and I went out on a date this past Friday night. We dropped our D off with my son, then dinner and then the movies. He did mention our R throughout the evening. I would talk briefly but that was it. Since our D stayed all night with my son and his wife, my H stayed all night with me.
Then Saturday morning and afternoon was going great until my H brought our R up again. He told me that these troubles in our marriage was my fault because I snooped in his email and saw some emails to an ex-girlfriend. He got mad at me and continue to email her after he told me he wouldn't. I told him the reason why he was so mad at me is because I caught him.
He told me that I live in the past, but he is the one that brings the past up constantly. So in my opinion, he is the one living in the past.
I have a question, how do you know if someone is really working on them-self or pretending/faking?
The reason why I am asking,is because my H says that he is reflecting on himself and trying to be a better person. Well the last time we separated, he said the same thing and I let him move back in and that change lasted a few weeks. So, how would I know if he is being real about it? I'm not ready for him to move back, yet.
Spent some time with my H this past weekend. He had a semi-class reunion and I went with him. We both had a good time Friday and Saturday night. He stayed last night but he couldn't wait to leave this morning. He is confusing. At the reunion he seems to be into me but afterwards not so much. I guess it was a show. I feel like he is keeping me at arms length. He did tell me that he was tired of living in limbo. I told him that I could not make a decision about us until I saw changes in our relationship and it would stick this time. He said that he understood but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to help the situation.
Several weeks ago I mentioned to my H that I was joining a support group, however, every other Tuesday I would need to get a sitter for our D. He quickly responded and said he would do it. He asked for details and said no problem.
Then a couple of weeks later, he decided that he wants to play tennis on Tuesday nights. I'm like okay but you said that you would come over and watch our D for me every other Tuesday so I can go the support group. He said, well, I made a commitment to you and I will honor that. So, he said that he would get our family friend to come over and watch our D for me while plays tennis. I told him that was not honoring his commitment that he made to me. He said it was.
So, my question is, is he honoring his commitment by getting someone else to do this for him?
My husband is picking my daughter and myself up tonight for dinner. The dinner is for his mother for Mother's Day. Not sure why we are doing it tonight but oh well.
I haven't really talked to my husband since last Sunday because we got into an argument. So I just have kept my distance. When I see him tonight, how can I put on a happy face and pretend nothing is wrong.
He told me last week that I was not the person he married and I replied back what do you expect when you have cheated on me several times. How can I be that person after that?
Then I have been asking myself why do I want to stay with someone who doesn't care for me, who has cheated on me, not once, but twice.
Had dinner last night with my H and his family to celebrate Mother's Day with his mother. At first I was uncomfortable and but once his sister and brother started talking to me, I then was able to relax. My BIL showed me a ring that was given to him and I told him that I like it but then my H looked at me and asked where my ring was at and I replied back, right beside yours. He didn't have anything to say after that. My oldest daughter picked our D up so we could go out with his sister and brother for drinks. My H acted more like my friend than my H. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. We got home (he doesn't live here anymore) late so he wanted to stay the night. So I agreed.
He woke up this morning and went and bought doughnuts for breakfast for Mother's Day. Then after we ate he said that he had to go home and shower and run some errands. Then he would be back to take me to lunch. He called me at 11:30 to say that he would be here shortly. However, it was almost 1:30 before he got here, but he did have a surprise for me. He picked my son up and then we all went to a late lunch. My H gave me two gift cards from my daughter, which I was surprise to receive. Then after our late lunch,we dropped my son off at his house then we took our D to the park for 30 min. While we were at the park he said that he was going to drop us off at the house then he was going to go and hang out with his sister and brother. His sister lives out of town. She is here for a visit. I was sad but understood that he wanted to see his sister.
I sent him a text tonight saying thank you and how I appreciated everything that he did for me for Mother's Day. He replied back with a short text say your welcome.
I wish he would act more like my husband instead of a friend. But I guess that is a start. I will continue with my detaching and not pursue him and let him pursue me.
