Hi everyone. I'm brand new to the board and wanted to share my story. I'm currently working with a marriage coach who applies many of the same principles as Michelle and stumbled across this forum and have found it to be a place of hope for success.
My wife and I are both 35 years old. We have been married for 13 years and together for 14 years. We have a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I will keep this brief. My wife has had a major role to play in getting us to where we are but right now I am the only one who wants to save our marriage so I am strictly focusing upon the role I have played.
Long story short, I went through about a five year period of being in and out of depression and an anxiety disorder. This made me become someone I am not. My wife feels I abandoned her and the kids and was an unavailable husband and father. There is truth to that. To top it off, I had a brief emotional affair last year.
6 months ago my wife asked for a 3 month trial separation and promised that no matter how she felt after the 3 months that we would work on reconciling. Well here we are 6 months later. Last week she agreed to give counseling a second chance with a new counselor and then turned around and at the very first session said that she was done. She first told me she did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce 6 months ago. which is why I agreed to the "3" month trial separation. Now she is saying she is completely finished. Does not love me. Wants a divorce and has no desire to reconcile.
However, she has not taken any action on what she has been saying. A close female friend of ours believes that my wife may have doubts and isn't actually done but is really looking to see if the changes I have been making in myself over the last month are for real or not.
Anyway, that is where I am at. I want to pick up Michelle's book and start applying her methods to what I am working on with my coach because the philosophies are very similar.
Working on getting myself back to the real me, giving her total space and time and proving to her through my actions that the depressed me was not the real me.
Has anyone else been successful in saving their marriage when their spouse was at the point where they have said "this is too little too late and I don't love you and I'm finished"? She hasn't taken any action at all (no filing) so I believe I may have a window of opportunity to work with here.
I'm looking for some success stories from similar situations. What worked? What didn't work?
I don't want to lose my family. Especially over depression.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
BEC - Have you read the 37 rules linked above? I've only been here a short time. But this one really stands out to me:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
Just because she SAYS she wants a divorce doesn't mean it will happen. Yet. She is just as scared and confused as you are. From what I understand, the road to reconciliation is a long and bumpy one. It takes time to destroy a marriage so it takes time to rebuild one. Use it to work on yourself and let go of the things you cant control.
Thank you Matt. I have read those rules and the one you highlighted is really helping me stay positive. She says it's over and that won't change but I believe that she is really unsure and is waiting to see what I do. How I react. If the changes I am showing in myself are for real or not.
BEC - As you can read, my wife has also recently said she is thinking about divorce and ILYBNILWY, and we aren't a good fit and so on and son. But saying those things are a long way from ACTUALLY permanently severing a family. So I'm taking the time she is giving me to work on me and being happy in the things I do. All I can do is keep hope and faith that she will see the changes as real and decide to stay with us.
Cadet. Can you clarify? Give examples of what you mean?
It means that most of the time anything they say is a lie. And half of the actions or things they do may be true.
Like they say I want a divorce. Interpretation of this is I am in pain and I think you caused it, give me space so that I can heal myself. However hard to say that the words I want a divorce are true or not and IMHO should not be believed.
When they file for divorce this is an action and half of that action should be believed
Hi Brian, sorry you are here but you have landed among some amazing people.
Dbing is a chance to save yourself and sometimes it saves marriages. The main thing is that if you are willing to do the work, you can become the person you were meant to be.
To answer your question, yes, people have come back to marriages when they are sure they want out.
As someone who suffered a major depression, I can sympathize with what you went through.
So, let's roll our sleeves and get to gettin.
Read DR as soon as you can. Do not let her know you are reading it.
Each day be the man you want to be. Some days you will make it, some you wont, but, that should always be the goal.
While she may not really want a divorce, it is important that you hear that she said she does. They want to be heard.
So you need to act as if you heard that. That means that you are moving forward with your life. You need to GAL (get a life), take care of yourself, exercise, eat, rest.
You have to look at what she has said are the reasons for her wanting out. Decide which ones have merit, throw the rest away.
Start to work on changing those things. Dont tell her you are, just do it. She needs to see consistent actions over time in order to believe them.
Do not talk to friends or family about her. You want to keep the road paved home smooth.
Dbing will seem counterintuitive to what you think you should be doing.
You will need to detach or let go in order to move forward.
The more we know, the more we can help. What did you do specifically to contribute to this? What did she?
This is a marathon, not a sprint. So you will need to dig in here.
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. I went out and bought The Divorce Remedy today and will begin reading tonight.
I will post some more specific details about both my and her contributions. I also know exactly why she wants out and will post that as well.
Give me a little while guys and I'll get those details posted.
Also, like I said I am working with a coach right now. He is not affiliated with DB but his philosophies are right in lock step with what you guys have said so I'm going to work in the strategies from the book and the advice I get here with his guidance.
Right now he has me focused on giving her space, letting her know that I am listening and I "get it", and showing her my change through action. No words. No relationship talk. Only action.
