Newcomer dealing with WAH in Midlife Crisis, EA/probly PA

[TP459]

I originally posted in MLCER thread but I think this forum has more traffic & I'm so confused! Original thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...560#Post2557560

*M 13, T 15
*3 kids (D10, D8 & S5)
*Bomb 3/2/15, H left & moved in with parents
*Discovered other woman 3/15/15 (at least an EA since 2/1/15) but spent the night of his Bday at her home so probably PA!
*Discovered H emails soliciting women for sex in July&Oct14
*Realized H is most likely suffering MLC after reading DR at end of March. Talked to his family & friends & they all agree he is definitely different & most likely working thru something & all agree that it's probably more then me & he's crazy. Lots of challenges in the past 3yrs for H (& myself being his support). 3yrs ago found out S has genetic disorder, H recovering alcoholic, DUI 10/13, sober since, severe car accident 9/14, H laid off 12/14.
*believe he's in MLC cause he now talks strange (often sounding very philosophical), he talks a lot abt his childhood now (looking at old pics, revealing being in his old room, in his old town like he's a kid again), he no longer wants to live in our town which we've always loved & we're very involved & have great friends, he's also obsessed with his appearance & buying new clothes.
*practicing very good 180, I took a long hard look at my part in our problems & decided to work on myself & I've made very noticeable changes & H has definitely recognized but he's bitter that it took him leaving for me to work on myself. I tell him I realized I want us to work out.
*4/18/15 another woman (different from the 1 mentioned previously) calls me claims she's been involved with my H for 3yrs!!! He swears just a friend that became obsessed with him but after taking a long look at cell bill found H calls her almost everyday, several times a day including long conversations on our anniversary, Cmas Eve & my Bday!!!
*last 7 wks we've spent about every other day together (H has only taken kids by himself 2 days) otherwise he involves me in his visits (???)

Today I've been beside myself about this 3yr relation with OW so today I told H I want to go to counseling. I asked him about this relationship of 3yrs. He said she's just a friend...wouldn't answer where they met, why he called her everyday (he says to talk) & he doesn't recall calling her on holidays, beats & anniversary! I said I deserve to know more he said he doesn't have to tell me anymore cause he's ready to move on & end our marriage! I told him I want to lay out all of our past problems on the table, work it all out, burn it & move on to a stronger, better us. I also asked if we can try dating each other again,..he said No he doesnt want to.

Despite how awful this all sounds I do want to save my marriage, it was really amazing for a long time but we lost our way & obviously other people (unknown to me) became a factor. My H still shows occasional affection, stares at my mouth when I talk as if he wants to kiss me (I know that look), spends a lot of time with just me when our kids run off playing, he even encourages kids to do their own thing so we can watch tv together, he finds ways to stand close to me & he keeps love emails I've been sending to him in his inbox (which he diligently cleans out several times a day...yes I have access to his email cause we never had anything to hide or so I thought & we shared passwords...he would often have me chk his email)...if he definitely wanted to end us why would he be doing all these things? Especially keeping my love emails, he could easily delete them?

So after today's talk I'm going to back off a bit more again.

I guess all I can do is wait. Please share any advice.

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here. Have you read the DB or DR books yet?

[TP459]

I read DR once completely & now I'm skimming back thru.

[uRworthy]

Hi T, I see that you read DR. That's good so that you know what we are talking about.

You have landed among some incredible people. I am normally in the MLC forum, so I am familiar with MLC.

First of all, stop snooping. You have the information you need. Anything else is just going to make you crazy and doesnt serve you well right now.

If he is in a MLC, this is a long road. So you have to take care of yourself in order to get through it. Make sure you eat, rest, exercise.

They want to be heard. He is telling you that he doesnt want to be married. He feels that way now. You need to hear it. When you tell him that you want to work on the marriage, he feels you arent hearing him.

Imagine someone hanging onto your pants leg. You want them off, so you shake your leg. That makes the other person hold on tighter. That makes you want to shake harder and on and on it goes.

So, the key to all of this is to work towards detachment. It is a hard thing to do. It seems counterintuitive, but it is what is necessary in order to get through it.

The thing about db is that it can save us and sometimes it saves marriages.

You need to look at the things he has said were problems in the marriage. Figure out which ones have merit and begin to work on those things about yourself that you feel need changing. But you have to do it for you. If not, he will see right through it.

Begin to put the focus on you and the kids. Start to do things you have always wanted to do or learn. When you are around him, be positive and upbeat.

And he needs to visit with his kids on his own most of the time. He chose to leave, that is what happens when one does. He has to live his choices.

Stop pursuing. Stop telling him you want to work on the marriage. Let him feel you have heard him.

Keep posting. Keep to one thread until you reach 100 posts so that people can follow your story.

You can do this.

[TP459]

Thank you, uRworthy.

Yesterday was a temporary slip. I thought since OW revealed a 3yr relation that H would feel badly & agree to go to MC but that wasn't the case just further proof that he's not behaving like my loving H right now but like an alien has abducted his brain, heart & soul.

I really thought spending time together would help him see the light thru the trees that we work well together & our kids are happiest when we are together. We have had some pretty wonderful family outings together lately & I thought that was moving us forward until the OW bomb was dropped on me! Plus each time we spent time together H mentioned an outside influence or circumstance (besides blaming me) that caused our problems (ex inlaws, life's stress). In the beginning of separation he just blamed me & said very ugly things like our marriage was never good even tho for a long time our marriage was amazing & something to be very proud of.

H did just have shoulder surgery (injury from his accident in Sept). So he's limited & not able to drive til 6/3 so he relies on his parents or me to see the kids. His parents are wonderful people who are going thru a lot more then our separation right now & they have been very supportive of me thru out this & they want their son to go home to his family. It makes it difficult to push H to spend time alone with just the kids cause he's recovering & he can't pick up the kids himself.

We don't have plans to see him for the next 2 days so I plan on being quiet...no initiating texts , calls or sending love emails. This is hard for me, I feel like that just leaves him open to receiving attention from OW & not me😔.

Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)

How do I know when he's ready to work on us (yes I have a very positive attitude & I truly believe we will survive this & come out stronger...I believe in putting out positive vibes & beliefs)? Do I just have to wait until he initiates MC or dating? I'm guessing trying to kiss him is not the right thing to do either?

[Cadet]

Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)

How do I know when he's ready to work on us (yes I have a very positive attitude & I truly believe we will survive this & come out stronger...I believe in putting out positive vibes & beliefs)? Do I just have to wait until he initiates MC or dating? I'm guessing trying to kiss him is not the right thing to do either?

NO
If the OW is still in the picture it is cake eating!

You don't want to pursue him and you can't love him out of his MLC.

[koalada]

I really thought spending time together would help him see the light thru the trees that we work well together & our kids are happiest when we are together. We have had some pretty wonderful family outings together lately & I thought that was moving us forward [...]

Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)

I am not in any position, to give you any advice, but I still put my 2 cents in.

I had my aerials only on my W during the first weeks. And that in an obsessive way.
"Did she just smile?"
"Why did she use just THIS phrase in the conversation?"
"Why did she sent me a picture of S10?"
"Oh, she asked me how I was. Why?"
"She invited me for a coffee while waiting for D14. What is she intending?"
"She just called me darling. Was that really by accident?"

I discovered, that those thoughts (as understandable as they are) are just sucking your energy. Get your focus off your H. Get the focus on YOU and the kids. As long as you have not developed the ability of mind-reading, you will never know for real what he is thinking. And I guess at this point his thoughts are not that what you should focus on. Let him think whatever he wants to think. Get detached.

I know this is said so easy, especially as I am a noob myself. I also have those thoughts from time to time, but it gets better from day to day. Will there be backsliding? I guess so. Stop focusing on things, that you have no power/control over.

Listen to the veterans of this forum. They are honest and they know what they are talking about. You will find awesome advice in this place.

[TP459]

Kid Question? When my kids get upset. I tell him either by sending a text or calling him so they can talk to him. He created this situation & I'm the one holding everyone together. I think he should know when they are hurting. For example a few nights ago our youngest D8 was uncontrollably crying (she hasn't cried much at all since the separation, usually its D10 who's crying), D8 wanted to talk to her Dad but he wasn't answering (very common since he keeps the ringer off, even tho he's constantly on his cell). Since he often doesn't answer & she was so desperate to talk to him I called his parents to let him know I was trying to reach him. He got upset with me & said if the kids are upset & I can't reach him then that's where it stops & I shouldn't pursue trying to reach him any further that I should just handle the situation (again alien talking my darling H of many years would never say that).

So should I tell him every time kids ask or cry for their Dad?

[Cadet]

So should I tell him every time kids ask or cry for their Dad?

Why are you telling him that?
What are you trying to accomplish?

[TP459]

I know I shouldn't have done this just having a bad morning! I looked at OWs FB page & she posted a quote "waiting is a sign of true love & patience. Anyone can say I love you but not everyone can wait & prove its true!" UGH!!!

I read last week that true love can't be stolen, it can get lost in another's arms but it will return!

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure!!! I wish my therapy session was today & not tomorrow!