Hmm so by changing our mindset we may no longer do the things I list above as they are no longer relevant to us anyway, we've just decided not to live that way. Correct?
Precisely. You recognize there is a better way to spend your time than chasing someone who doesn't know what they want.
You are the captain of a perfectly functional ship at sea. You're following a rudderless ship with no crew, trying to figure out why their sails are trimmed just so. How long do you do that?
So I am in 100% understanding that detachment is not a tactic or a ploy. Actually it is all too clear once you begin to the process exactly what it is. Now from my perspective and experience it is a lot like Divorce. Now let me clarify what i mean. When you detach you make a true decision to let go, to say to yourself and to your spouse "listen this is not working for me and i can no longer continue on this path. I need to start living life to fix myself and make myself happy. I hope that you find what you are looking for and i wish you the best. I am going in x,y,z direction and you are going in a,b,c direction. Maybe one day our path will overlap but for the moment i am choosing this path because it is best for me." Now to me that does conjure an image of divorce, maybe i am wrong but that is what i think of when i envision D actually happening. I am not talking about the negative feelings, stigma or the feeling of finality but there has to be something said about actually letting go.
The most freeing feeling hit me about a month ago when a 1 ton revelation was dropped on my head! I am for all intended purposes in love with the woman my W was. And right now she is not the same woman. So i am holding on to an image of the person she was and not seeing the person she has now become. The hardest part was knowing that you would at times see the old woman come out but then it was right back to the new person all over again. After that i started seeing things differently. And things have been much smoother since this realization.
So maybe people do not like my use of the word Divorce but to me detaching feels like it but in a positive light if you can humor me. The moment i let my W truly go was the moment i truly began my road to being happy again. I no longer sit at home and long for her company like i did for the past 4 months, lying in bed is no longer painful and cold. Yes i do miss her, yes sometimes it’s hard, but for the most part every day is another day that i am taking that step to self-identification and joy. So if you are reading this know that detachment is not a tactic and once you have chosen it, it will take hold of you and take you to new heights, welcome that feeling, it is freeing and wonderful especially knowing everything that each and every one of us have been through.
If none of you have ever heard the song "No Regrets" by Gary allan. Check it out, it blew my mind when i heard it. It was so powerful to me that i started learning how to play it on guitar. Have a blessed day!
So I am in 100% understanding that detachment is not a tactic or a ploy. Actually it is all too clear once you begin to the process exactly what it is. Now from my perspective and experience it is a lot like Divorce. Now let me clarify what i mean. When you detach you make a true decision to let go, to say to yourself and to your spouse "listen this is not working for me and i can no longer continue on this path. I need to start living life to fix myself and make myself happy. I hope that you find what you are looking for and i wish you the best. I am going in x,y,z direction and you are going in a,b,c direction. Maybe one day our path will overlap but for the moment i am choosing this path because it is best for me." Now to me that does conjure an image of divorce, maybe i am wrong but that is what i think of when i envision D actually happening.
You've described that extremely well, Rys -- thanks, I now understand what you mean.
I think the problem some might have with what you've described above is that it could also -- almost word-for-word -- be applied to the strategy and mindset of "standing" for one's marriage. The "divorce" part is just the legal (and yes, also spiritual for many) mechanism that either spouse can decide to employ that legalizes it all. But you can also do the "standing" thing for some period of time -- years, even (mind you, I don't necessarily agree with this, but lots and lots here do it, especially MLC'ers) -- and fully detach without ever asking for or initiating a divorce.
Starsky, Thank you and i do see where others have their views. I appreciate all you insight and help along the way, you all have been very, very, very instrumental in my climb. thank you!
Having the exact same feelings. Feels like it's over and final... Weird feeling. Recomcilliation seems impossible and far far away.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Well complex I don't have that finality feeling cause nothing is final just a liberating feeling of growth. I no longer worry about what could be, instead I look at what I can do.
Having the exact same feelings. Feels like it's over and final... Weird feeling. Recomcilliation seems impossible and far far away.
I will warn you both (and NH115 is going thru this as well, right now, over in Newcomers) it's when you get to this point that -- suddenly -- sometimes the wayward spouse comes swooping back.
We're not allowed to put links on here, but if you want to watch a classic (and brilliantly funny) movie scene that perfectly describes the dynamic, just go to YouTube and put "Swingers First Scene" in the search window, and enjoy.
Rysin, complex all of us we will be absolutely just fine with or without our wives. your post above hit the nail on the head. We hold onto what our wives were not what they have become. I feel we are held back until you realise that. Took me a while to get to that state.
Feeling pretty final myself. I see no way back for my marriage. I do still wonder if it's possible but it would such a monumental task to undo the damage done.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
