Couple things to start. First post so I know after this I won't be long once I'm still in moderation. Also I have read numerous time dr and have a divorce coach. I also read a lot of the posts and could use some help for my particular situation.
My wife and I have been married almost 11 years and together 14 with two kids 11 and 8. 3 years ago she said she wanted a divorce and was having an emotional affair with and ex. She admitted she thought she was in love with him and I decided to move out. We were separated for about 3 months when she approached me and we started dating again. She agreed to not have contact with him any more, I moved back in and last May we renewed our vows on our 10 year anniversary. Everything seemed to be going great.
Aug/sept she started getting depressed and took up smoking. She said she wasn't sure she could love me the way I deserved to be and when I asked her if she wanted to be married to me she said she thought so. The day after Xmas she told me she was sure she was no longer in love with me but thought she still loved me. In January she lied about staying with a friend and got a hotel room for herself because she had to get away. She also later admitted she went on a date with a former coworker but that they were just friends. Finally she started communicating with her former ea partner and reiterated they were just friends too. I gave her an ultimatum that if she continued to see them I couldn't be in the relationship anymore and she continued to do so. I kept pursuing her and wanting to make it work.
Since January I have given her more space and have stopped saying I love u. We sleep in separate rooms and she goes out to do her own thing pretty much when she wants. I have suggested we go get help together and she has no desire to do that. In march I saw a note she had written because I was snooping that said she wanted a change her feelings haven't changed and she wants a divorce. I talked with her that I sensed she may have felt like she wanted one but she has never spoken or told me and I never referenced the note. She said she's not sure if she could ever be intimate with me again and afraid to trust me because if she does she'll be stuck in the same place 2 years from now and trapped.
Couple of other things of note. We have a pattern that is our cancer and was never fully realized until now. We never worked on it the last time so happy to get back together. Our pattern is she gives everything to be a good wife and mom and loves herself. Does things because she feels obligated and guilty if she doesn't. Including sex. She will give in and do it if I asked or need it. Then over time she resents it but keeps doing it and hates herself. I purse and used her as my self esteem or happiness. If we were having sex everything must be good and if I felt her being distant I would push for more sex to gain reassurance. The pattern got so bad she felt that she was emotionally raped even thought that wasn't my intent nor did I know until it built up and came to a head in December. I've told her this but it doesn't change how she feels and why our former joint therapist feels she suffers from PTSD and is triggered by my prescience.
Also she has battled with depression her whole life and doesn't want mess. Finally her mom and sister were diagnosed with huntingtons disease and my wife finally took the test and found out she doesn't have it 3 weeks ago. A huge stress relief as it's terminal with no cure.
Finally she hates her job and has no idea what she wants to do with her life. I realize there are so many things in play for her but it's hard not to take distance and indifference towards me personally.
I've been doing the LRT and gal. I don't call her or text her unless something with the boys and I stay upbeat and positive around her. I go to separate rooms and have been doing running and will do skydiving this weekend. I work out a lot and am in the best shape of my life - everyone but her notices!
With that change over the last week or two she's been up and down. I was away for work tues-Thursday and wheni came home thurs night she said she was Ina bad mood. Friday night after work we watched tv together for the first time in months and then watched shows as a family afterwards. Joked around with each other. The next day I took the boys to the store and she texted me that she was going to her friends to spend the night and clear her head. She packed a suitcase with multiple days worth of clothes. I had no idea when she would be back and didn't contact her. She told her sister who told me that she left not because anything I was doing and in fact I was being very accommodating to her, but because she was just triggered with me physically being in the house and couldn't take it. She came back the next day, Sunday at noon. I told her I hope she had a good time and she said she did. We then watched a movie together as a family and that was nice. Tonight she made dinner for us but was still off.
I've stopped snooping and don't go in Facebook or phone records. I trust what she says and try and look on the positives but not sure what to do. I don't bring up the relationship and am not used to the roller coaster or what to expect. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and if u need more clarification on my sitch please let me know.
I read sandis rules constantly and jjs going dark. They are great. Anything else and I'm all ears. Thanks so much!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks cadet. I've read those links and they are helpful. I'll keep at it. Anything in my situation? I have been trying lrt and going dark but it's hard living in the same house at times. Some days are easier than others. I've done so much work for myself and for the most part I'm happy with who I have found in me again. But it's hard sometimes to not detach and not take things she says/does or doesn't say/do personally.
Also tough to not assume and worry about the future. For example we have our own back accounts and a joint one. She had been on me about getting my w2 so she could file taxes and just did so Saturday. I was hesitant because I know well get a refund. Now all I can think of is all or some of that money will go to her account and she'll use it to move out. She's never said any of this but that's the type if things that go through my mind.
I hate the rollarcoaster and I'm sure I'm being impatient. I don't show or tell her this though. That's what the boards and my divorce coach are for : )
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I know you are looking for those magic words to say or the right button to press that will make this all go away and be back to where you were.
It does not work that way.
So this is a lot of hard work and self introspection.
You must LET GO and let her do the same things that you also must do.
You both do them separately - not together.
If she is depressed she must decide that she doesnt want that anymore. People that are depressed want to DENY that there is anything wrong with themselves and it must be someone elses fault. STOP TRYING to FIX HER.
You didnt break her and you can not FIX this.
You can only fix yourself and become the best YOU possible.
Any advice or techniques to learn to let go? I'm scared that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The more time apart (even though we live together) the more distant, the more it seems like what's the point? It's so hard to not feel like I know what's going on for her and think everyhing is personal and worst case scenerio
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I notice my wife starting to act with me a little more and I'm trying to recognize those interactions as positives. For example she approached me and said that she felt her ass was starting to sag and was sad about that. I think she has an amazing figure but knowing sex and anytype of intamcy with me is a trigger I restrained myself. Instead of anything I made a joke of saying her saying that is like looking up at the Sistine chapel and complaining about cracks. She found it funny. But then back to the distance. I'm starting to realize and understand she needs to do this on her own and I need to do work on my own. The tough thing is I took my marriage vows seriously and want to be a partner for her and pull her through this even though I know being a good partner right now means she needs her time and space and I have to respect that
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Now she's needed more time away from the house over the last weeks and a half. She always comes back more often earlier than I thought and texts me to let me know she's leaving but it's startling because she's even more distant when she is home. We're emotionally separated and mostly physically aside from brief interactions. I'd think it was depressed or mlc as she mentions she hates her job, not sure what she wants to do with he life and in rainy weather she gets very sad. However she still makes time and spends time with her friends just not me. How can I not take it personally?!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Help! She filed taxes last week and told me we'd be getting $2100 back. Just got the return today. Called h and r block and they verified $2100 went into our account and $1000 went into her separate checking account. She lied and hid it from me. We currently live together but sleep in sepearate rooms. Not sure what to do. Need to talk with her but not sure how. I guess I can tell her I don't care she wanted the money and not ask what it's for. Clearly she doesn't trust me and I guess I need to tell her she should have her own account and she can have the money. But lying and hiding things is unacceptable or the way I would want any relationship wih her to be. If she feels she needs that for security, piece of mind or not to feel stuck, I'll trust her and she should have it. That really would be a 180 for me because normally I'd cut her off. I'll tell her if there's anything she would want or need from me so she feels she can trust me to let me know because I want to accomedate that. If she wants to leave she's going to leave but maybe she hasn't made her mind up and my reaction could cause her to look at stayin more because she starts to feel safe. Thoughts?
Last edited by Ripken8; 04/19/1501:42 AM.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Update. She said when I first asked her that she did it and then was going to put the money back as soon as it was deposited but once she put it through she couldn't take it back. Ultimately she said that she's at a point where she cares but she really doesn't care. Said that she can't trust me at all and needs to protect herself. Told her she should have her account and keep the money if it helps her feels safe. Asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel more safe and she shrugged it off. Said that its great that I say I've changed but she can't trust it and said that realization [censored] because she's been burned too many times by me. Said she has no ill will towards me but can't trust me. Told I appreciated her saying that and I understood. Also said I hope over time my actions not my words will build some of that back up to where she doesn't feel she has to lie or hide things from me. Then we talked about other general things. No yelling and she never said she was done or wanting to move out or bringing up divorce which I would have thought would have been the time to do so. She seemed a little upset but really more indifferent. Not sure what to do from here or what to think. Help!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
