Doing the limbo thing (thread #8)

[Drew]

The very first question my counselor asked me way back when was: "What are you so afraid of?"

My almost exact response was:

I am afraid of how this will impact my kids. I am afraid that I will not meet someone else.

Her reply was that the vast majority of the impact on your kids is up to you. And of course you'll find someone else, IF YOU WANT TO.

So we started there. You can go back and read my story and while you might think mine is not a success story in the traditional DB sense here, I can assure you otherwise. DB saved my marriage once and saved me the second time.

I no longer live in fear. I am more myself than ever before. My career is thriving. I'm happy. My kids are happy. I'm in a great relationship.

Life is short, Shodan. Make it count.

[HeavyD]

I wanted to comment here -

I too am afraid of how my divorce will impact my kids, and how I may never find anyone ever again.

I too realize that my WAW does not care if she loses me. That idea of "she must realize that she will lose you forever" just does not seem to work with her. She cannot wait to get rid of me. However, I am making it difficult for her to do that (financially and logistically). Why? Our sitch has only been going on for 6 months and I am praying that if I can slow this down, her A will have ended and she can start being herself again. I don't know, maybe this is a pipe dream, but that is my plan. If it doesn't work, then so be it. I am a great catch too and if she doesn't see it, that's her loss.

The kids and I will manage without her. We deserve better than someone who isn't "here" and is with "another" than her family.

[shodan]

After my talk yesterday with my W, she came home last night and whispered in my ear "I am sorry about earlier" (I was doing stuff with my kids). I said OK and but did not react. She continued to be nice to me the rest of the night and even tried to lay on me in bed (I flipped over).

In the morning, I told her that what she had said the previous day was correct. We both need to be happy. If she is not happy, then she needs to move on. She just kept saying that she does not know and is waiting for the feelings to come back, for her to "want" to work on the M. I told her that as someone who has read several books on the subject and read many stories from people exactly in her spot, she has the process backwards. The feelings will not come back until the work starts.

I liken our situation to a very overweight person who let himself go over time. 5 lbs here, 5 lbs there over the years. Before he knew it, he was severely overweight, eating poorly, had high blood pressure and cholesterol and in general was very unhealthy and headed for a heart attack or stroke. This person logically knows that he wants to lose weight and be healthy. But emotionally, it is a lot easier to sit around, eat, drink and not workout. But the logic needs to prevail, no matter how hard the work (exercise) is. So this person gets a trainer (a MC or IC), reads book on the subject, spends money on exercise classes, cuts out bad habits, starts bringing food to work, etc. He does not like eating raw vegetables and fish. He does not like running...in fact, he hates it. He does not want to do this. But, he knows that if he wants to save himself, he needs to do it. He needs to do the hard work. And it starts with committing to it. He cannot commit to it after he has lost the weight because it will not work. And at times does it feel hopeless. Does he feel that he will never lose weight. It is so bloody hard. But he stays true to his commitment. And over time, he loses weight, he feels better and he becomes healthier.

That is how I view my M. Logic needs to precede emotions. My W has it backwards.

[Starsky309]

Everything you say is of course wise and true, Sho, but unfortunately you cannot teach a wayward. And your wife seems to still have a very wayward, feelings-based mindset right now.

Her attempts to gain back the power equilibrium are extremely transparent. She's trying to make sure good ol' Shodan's "plate" is still spinning well on "stick B."


Starsky

[shodan]

I agree Starsky.

[HeavyD]

Logic does proceed emotions - well said.

My WAW has it backwards as well. She feels she is doing the right thing because her emotions are he reward. Jeez! Throwing away 19 years over an emotions is bully to me!

[shodan]

Last night my W came back from work and was super engaged, saying nice things to me, doing nice things for me and then later wanted to ML. I told her that while I appreciate her efforts that I could not go through this again. She acts like she wants to work on the M, things are great for a week and then she goes distant. I told her that I need 100% commitment from her that she is working on the M, which includes NC, passwords, etc. She listened and of course said her normal "I am confused, I don't know what I want. At times I am committed to working on it. But other times the feelings are not there."

[Starsky309]

Last night my W came back from work and was super engaged, saying nice things to me, doing nice things for me and then later wanted to ML.

Her attempts to gain back the power equilibrium are extremely transparent. She's trying to make sure good ol' Shodan's "plate" is still spinning well on "stick B."

Good job turning her down. Your response was perfect.

[Jefe]

Good job, Sho. Hold the line.

[Sotto]

I agree Sho. There seems to have been lots of pull me/push me going on. You've been keen, and your W has withdrawn, then she's super keen and so on.

I think holding a firm line on this until she is consistently 'in' is a good idea.