When I spoke of the immune system, I was referring to your mlcer. Your mlcer is going to experience some illness, as well as aches and pains. You, too, will experience health issues if you don't take care of yourself, but your mlcer is the one that will think that she has some series issues...but she may deny the fact that it's stress and/or depression.
Her childhood issues may not be something she has talked about. Her controlling mother may have stunted her emotional growth at an early age. She may have been ignored, treated as an after thought, not recognized for her accomplishments, encouraged, emotional abuse and/or physical abuse.
Your wife has gone back to the time that she was emotionally stunted and will need to revisit that time, figure out that she was not responsible for what transpired in her life, accept that she wasn't at fault and then grow up. Until she does, you've got to let her be and turn the focus back on to you and your family.
Here is a recent link to a thread on depression and mlc:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the additional info Job! That link to the recent thread on depression and MLC is so helpful. I've kept that link up in an open browser tab since the thread was originally posted -- I keep going back and re-reading it.
Good points about the childhood issues. She and her mother have such a strained relationship -- always have since I've known my W. But I also know my W loves her mother very much and deep inside wishes that their R was better -- I just don't think either one really knows how to make it better... They went to JC last year to work on it and are now doing some more JC sessions... From what I can tell, her mom was controlling in the sense of being really wound tight about things around the house -- things had to be done a very specific certain way and there was an emphasis on being proper... not much room for being laid-back... One of the things my W has always loved about my family is that we are so laid-back... Christmas dinner at her mom's requires being dressed up (like in a suit), seating arrangements, etc. and Christmas dinner with my family is "come as you are" (jeans perfectly acceptable) with no formal time or seating arrangement. She's always said how much she enjoys my family's gatherings because they are so laid-back and fun with an emphasis on just hanging out and being comfortable while catching up with each other. Complete opposite of family gatherings with her mom.
It will be interesting to see how the immune system/illness thing evolves. Yes -- I am aware that I need to take good care of myself -- that became very clear immediately after BD and I went to my doctor as quickly as I could and have been trying to get enough exercise and do everything else necessary to stay healthy. But as for my MLCer W -- this is the first time she's been ill since BD, but I've been wondering when I might begin to see signs of compromised immune system because I know she isn't getting enough sleep and she is very stressed about EVERYTHING (work and what is happening with us at home). So many evenings now it seems the only thing she wants to do after we get the kids to bed is turn on the TV to watch one of her many DVR'd shows, start texting OW, and tune out the world until time to get up and go to work the next day. It truly is the most bizarre -- and sad -- thing to observe.
And yes, I know that I just have to let her go on her way with all of this. I am working hard on that -- it gets easier as each day passes. I'm actually okay with the idea of me moving out and being away from her -- my biggest concern is breaking this news to the kids and then disrupting their life with moving them back and forth between two different homes each week. Not looking forward to that -- but I know it has to be done in order for W to have the space she needs and to let her live the life she thinks she wants.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Yes -- I have read that post. It was very interesting, but also somewhat sad because I worry that my W might be one of those who never comes out of this... And that makes me sad for everyone in her life, but especially for our kids.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
We none of us know what really happened with anyone's else's early years. Sometimes we suppress really painful stuff and it causes problems later on. One child may cope well with a controlling parent - another less so.
We none of us know what really happened with anyone's else's early years. Sometimes we suppress really painful stuff and it causes problems later on. One child may cope well with a controlling parent - another less so.
Not saying that a happy childhood is impossible!
Good points. When I spoke to my mom on the phone last week she actually brought up something that happened between my dad and me when I was 24 that I DO NOT remember. I remember what happened before he came in the room, but I have absolutely no memory of him coming into the room and the interaction that my mother remembers. It wasn't overly traumatic (no abuse), but it was a moment that relates to my dad's inability to verbally express approval -- and what happened in that moment was me sharing some really good news with him and he was incapable of simply saying "Great job! I'm so proud of you!"
The point of that story is: I was 24 years old, it was an important moment, and I have actually NO memory of it. My mother remembers it vividly because she says she followed him into the next room after I left and confronted him about what he'd just done.
So yeah -- I understand that we can block things out -- and if we can do it as adults then we can surely do it as children as well.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just an interesting observation about what happened this week... W discovered that I had confided in a close member of her family and this family member told others which resulted in a bad experience for W this past weekend where she felt judged and shunned by her immediate family members.
Prior to this happening, if you had asked me what I expected to happen when/if she found this information out, I would have said "Oh, I expect her to go into full-on Monster mode!"
But she didn't.
She seemed very hurt, but after we talked about it... She's just been fairly civil with me - a bit distant and not as friendly as last week... but civil... Not interpreting this as a positive sign towards reconciliation, but just observing that what I thought would happen did not happen... Of course, nothing makes sense in MLC and at some point she could go into monster-mode over this, but for now it hasn't happened.
And I just find that interesting.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Please remember that many MLCers have some heightened paranoia and hate, hate to be judged. I almost pulled out of a family vacation at Martha's Vineyard with Ms. Wonka because I couldn't stand (and nearly couldn't handle) the notion of having 1,000 eye balls staring at me and watching every move I made.
This is why it is so important to not really talk about your sitch with W's family or your family lest the info finds its way to W. If it had happened to me, I would have probably gone into monster mode and froze out Ms. Wonka with the silent treatment for it would have felt a "betrayal" to me.
Careful there, my friend.
You're doing good in navigating through this quagmire.
Oh and I think I received some Divine intervention when I got very, very seriously sick in December 2003 where my late father had to carry me to the ER for some treatment. Sometime around March 2004, the MLC fog had lifted from me. In hindsight, I think the stress from my own MLC just caught me up and hit me right between the eyes over the holidays.
I do think a lot of MLCers' immune systems are compromised in some form. Good Lord, the pain and pressure we all feel during the crisis pales in comparison to the average person walking on a sidewalk in NYC
This is why it is so important to not really talk about your sitch with W's family or your family lest the info finds its way to W. If it had happened to me, I would have probably gone into monster mode and froze out Ms. Wonka with the silent treatment for it would have felt a "betrayal" to me.
Careful there, my friend.
Yeah -- had I known what I know now when all of this first started I might not have confided in this family member. But what's done is done... I can't take it back, but I can avoid doing any more damage by limiting what I say to her family members from here on out. I really am surprised that Monster didn't emerge once I admitted to it.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
You're doing good in navigating through this quagmire.
Thanks. She really caught me off guard on Monday with this and I immediately thought I'd FUBARed royally with this. Of course, the civil, almost friendly behavior could all just be a mask to keep me off guard and to keep me under her control to some extent. I would not put that past her at this point -- I really don't trust anything she says or does right now.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Oh and I think I received some Divine intervention when I got very, very seriously sick in December 2003 where my late father had to carry me to the ER for some treatment. Sometime around March 2004, the MLC fog had lifted from me. In hindsight, I think the stress from my own MLC just caught me up and hit me right between the eyes over the holidays.
I do think a lot of MLCers' immune systems are compromised in some form. Good Lord, the pain and pressure we all feel during the crisis pales in comparison to the average person walking on a sidewalk in NYC
I can only imagine what kind of pain and pressure she is feeling inside. There have been fleeting moments when I feel as if I can actually see it all in her face... and it does make me feel sorry for her in spite of the pain she is causing me and the destruction she is bringing to our family.
I pray daily for some sort of divine intervention... nothing life-threatening, but something that helps her realize that what she has to work through is internal and not external... I know she has to continue on through the MLC and that I have my own journey that I need to continue on for now -- I clearly get that now and I don't want anything to interfere with the path that I am on right now because I really like where I am going... Do I want us to find our way back to each other? Absolutely! But it's very clear in my mind right now that neither one of us is prepared for that yet -- we both have a lot of work to do before that can happen... If it ever does.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Thanks. She really caught me off guard on Monday with this and I immediately thought I'd FUBARed royally with this. Of course, the civil, almost friendly behavior could all just be a mask to keep me off guard and to keep me under her control to some extent. I would not put that past her at this point -- I really don't trust anything she says or does right now.
I want to disabuse you of the notion that your MLCer is an evil puppeter who decides one day she'll be nice, the other full-on monster mode, the day after a sulky teenager....etc. Nope. Not true. We don't plot out our behaviors and cackle out our evil laughter.
We are driven by emotions that has its origins from the internal pressure we feel intensely on top of some stressors. Those are the main reasons why some of our emotions swing from one extreme to another.
It wasn't a fun time for me. Neither for Ms. Wonka too.
