Zelda (is this a turn around?)

[Zelda09]

Haha, TLEE, manliest sound of cupcake destruction ever.
He gave me an "Im sorry, my squishy little feelings were out of control". And a hug when I got home tonight.
His friend he went out with last night shared news of having cancer. H gets a pass. No, the drunken thing is random. I'm going to chalk it up to a bad day, fight with me and hurt for his friend, running into radio personality who bought him shots. Whatever, he's not castrated, he's his own man.

We made dinner and had a decent convo over financials. He was assertive enough to say he'd like to have the opposite sex convo this weekend when he can lead it off and he feels better. I respect that and didn't push or pout.

Going out to cheer on an ultra runner friend of mine tomorrow after a little yoga.

[susana4]

Z, I think TLEE has some good advice. You definitely don't want to let the resentment build. I'm glad your H apologised and that there was a reason behind it. Do you still feel resentment or are you feeling better? Give it a few days, if you're still feeling upset over that day, maybe you can discuss it. It's easier a little bit later, when it's less emotionally raw.

Enjoy your GALing today!

I could use your advice if you have a moment to stop by my thread. H and I had one of our tickle fights last night and it led to ML (first time since BD). It was really good but very physical/animal (if that makes sense?), no ILYs and no kissing. Don't get me wrong, it was great sex but it felt a little weird, and this morning he was in freak out/pullback mode ("I'm sorry" "is this going to be awkward?" "we shouldnt have, that was very naughty" etc.).

Not sure how to move forward.

[Zelda09]

Hey Susana, I'll stop by.

GALed for first part of morning and am running house errands today with him. We are having a really good day, actually. He snapped at me this morning and I handled completely differently: "my feelings are a bit hurt."
"I'm sorry, it's just that xyz..."
"Tell me more about xyz."
"Xyz, bc abc."
"Sounds like you're still hearing me with a lot of echoes of our past fights."
"Yeah, I'm trying not to, trying to be patient and assume the best."
"I'm really trying not to come from ugly places when I speak."
"I know. We're getting better.
"Yep, it'll get easier."

Enjoying the day, laughing, thinking of Elsa's consistency. He's committed, I'm committed, now in the words of my favorite coach, "don't f$$$ it up." It just has to be fun as much as possible now to balance the work.

There's no denying the resentment had been building, so I just have to keep a handle on it and step back when I need to.

[gogofo]

Thanks, Susana - you've got a point on the judgmental bit.
Honest question for anyone, everyone: what is the difference between being judgmental and holding someone to their accountability, calling them on their crap?

Some of the communication books, tips, etc that I have read talk about using a "when you ... I feel ..." statement. The idea is that you are focusing on how you feel and why. You are only in charge of your own feelings but this lets the other person understand how you feel. It is supposed to not include any blame. Blaming would be saying something like "you made me mad" or "what is your problem?"

Don't know if this helps or not. I definitely am not a communication expert.

[susana4]

Thanks Z.

Sounds good, well done on the 180! Do you feel like putting that out there in the open diffused some of the resentment? Just make sure you find a way to get the resentment out of your system or I imagine it will start building up again, and if you've got some resentment it will just add up on top of it, like a bucket till it overflows.

Hope you enjoyed the day, and do take some time to have fun together, it will help rebuild the good feelings between you two!

[Zelda09]

I stayed over with a friend last night after a lovely dinner with her. Mimosas soon!

Looking forward to returning home to complete work/hobby projects. H has a GAL activity without me planned, too. The boundaries convo yesterday went very well, and we both remarked feeling good about how that went. I thanked him for how he's been handling things. He's made a lot of "next forty years" statements and given some very subtle reassurances he is here to stay.

Let's hope he doesn't say something stupid again to unravel all that, lol. You know, like the last six years of periodic emotional-things aren't going well RIGHT NOW so I'm going to get all catastrophic and doom our M-kind of statements.

We talk too much.

I am looking forward to a couple of weeks of light and steady. That's my goal.

What does my M look like if I am not trying to fix, improve him or it?

[susana4]

Sounds lovely, hope you enjoyed the mimosas!

Did you post on the boundaries discussion or did I miss it? Was this the opposite sex convo or something else? Glad it went well.

Light and steady sounds perfect at this point. Just enjoy each other's company and have some fun together!

Glad you are doing well Z, and that you both got some GAL apart.

[susana4]

What does my M look like if I am not trying to fix, improve him or it? Have you read MAFMWAFV? I just finished it, some things I don't agree with but some interesting points. One thing it mentions is how men don't like it when they feel like their spouse is trying to improve them, they take it as a sign they're 'broken' or not good enough. I can see that, and I can see how my H may have felt that way. Sounds like your H might have, too.

[Zelda09]

Haven't posted the boundary convo in it's entirety but he remarked again how happy he was we had it the way we did. He felt heard, he heard what I was saying, miracles happen, blah blah blah.

Let's see how this goes over, a note on the top of ice cream lid:

"I feel ignored and not respected when you keep eating the ice cream I've picked out for myself, especially when I've asked you several times not to. And you said ok. Little things matter too. Please show me that when I speak it matters. And when you agree to something, you'll follow through. - love, wanting not to be angry wife"

This is where I start getting myself in knots and all worked up. Seeing this appeasement, 'I'm going to do my own thing anyway' kind of thinking and seeing bigger implications. Wanting to text him about it now, or get into it when he comes home tonight. Both of these confrontational styles haven't worked in the past. So I figure this way, I deliver the message and forget about it. He'll be alone when he reads it and have an opportunity to get defensive or validate or not mention it. I don't have to pressure him to tell me he's sorry or anything or make this into an argument.

PS, I am not like this about food items generally but this has been an ongoing thing. He's an extremely large man with a bigger sweet tooth, and there is never anything left for me that I also like. He'll eat baking chips right out of the bag rather than make a decent meal. Or all of my treats after he goes through his gallon, with the attitude 'if I left it, it's fair game.' I'd be huge if I tried to keep up. Who wants to eat like a bunch of ravenous dogs? Lol, it's JUST ice cream. Nothing is ever JUST anything anymore. Bout ready to go to the funny farm.

[Sotto]

Hi Zelda

It sounds as though you're making a big deal about the ice cream, and I'm not sure about the idea of a note.

What if next time you get some, you get two tubs - one for H and one for you. And tell him, it bugs me when you eat all my lovely ice cream that I got as a treat for myself. So, I got you your own tub okay? If you eat all that, don't eat mine too please. Put a big H and Z on the tubs in black marker.