Raliced - No. 5

[SunnyB]

Raliced, sometimes I've had former BFs show up in dreams, and I always try to understand what they represent, as opposed to who they actually are. For instance, in one dream that I had off and on for years, there was one former BF that is a graphic artist. He's so creative he's a bit quirky. And I realized that I was suppressing the creative side of me IRL. When I took care of that, the dream went away. It wasn't about the guy himself at all.

Mostly, though I think dreams are nature's way of purging and filing.

Hope you feel better!

[raliced]

This has been a lower than usual week. I'm sure being sick and not sleeping well are big parts of it - and this is a busy time of the year for me at work as one of the programs I work on goes through its annual state audit. Maybe I'm just a little worn down. And I know the girls will probably catch what I have which makes me miserable.

The weekend itself wasn't bad. Despite the rain and my illness, had a good time with the girls. I macgyvered a massive roomwide fort in the living room for them to sleep in last night and today they helped me make my Grandma's chicken chicken soup, complete with homemade noodles. They were happy, although a little freaked out by my complete loss of voice.

Everything just seems a little too hard right now. I'm trying to get a handle on all the spring activities for D6 and its just so complicated without another parent helping out fulltime (although this kind of thing has always been a pain due to STBX's ever changing schedule). I guess I hate how little things, like going to the store for something I forgot, have turned into a major operation of getting the kids in the car and herding them through the supermarket, instead of just being to run out on my own. And truthfully, while I am not a spendthrift, I hate that I am back to a place in my life where I have to measure every dollar.

Then too, D6 has been dropping more details about what goes on at her Dad's place. Apparently Lisa has a lot of rules. I should say none of them sound unreasonable, in fact they are precisely the types of things I tried to institute in my own household that STBX would never cooperate with. Now apparently he's totally on board with things like "don't jump on the sofa" and "don't yell in the house". When I tried to enforce these types of guidelines he always made me feel like a fussy killjoy. I look at this, in conjunction with all the cowboy trappings, and it sure seems like he is trying to be someone new, probably to please OW. Was this all he did with me? Was he just trying to be the man he thought I wanted and he couldn't take it anymore?

How did I let this whole thing get so messed up? We did not have a difficult life compared to many. We have always had reasonable incomes, enjoy good health and come from pretty functional families. I look at my oldest sister's marriage- her husband is a high ranking army officer (STBX has a total man crush on him)and throughout their marriage as he climbed the ladder, he had assignments that took him away for lengthy periods of time, even when their kids were very young, and of course some of them were dangerous. Their relationship is still going strong (25+ years) and they managed to jointly raise two very high achieving well adjusted kids despite the stress, anxiety, many moves and long absences. We had nothing comparable. Yes, STBX has a job with weird hours that is emotionally distancing and apparently has lots of temptations - but still.......

I didn't get married until fairly late in life - and that was by design. I thought I chose carefully and well, and that we laid a solid foundation together, precisely to avoid the very situation I find myself in now. I'm having a moment where I feel like I flunked a big chunk of my life.

Wow - this is a downer of a post. Time to take some Nyquil and wake up ready to turn this all around.

[Georgiabelle]

Raliced,

I'm sorry you've been under the weather and I can completely relate to your post. It is a bit frustrating to load everyone up to get toilet paper when you got used to running out on your own, eh?

Hopefully your girls don't get sick. And your thoughts about others marriages seeming more difficult yet they weather through?? I absolutely concur. And then I realize it doesn't really benefit me to think about those things because obviously my xh didn't feel like we or our marriage was worth it and I can accept that. We are all different. At the risk of sounding like a downer (and I'm sure I'll get 2x4's) I honestly don't see how I could ever trust someone in totality again. And I'm okay with that. If I ever get involved with someone, I suppose I will just accept that you never really know what someone thinks or is capable of doing. I realize that sounds bad, although I don't actually mean that in a defeatist way. I'm just being honest. I hijacked and I'm sorry.

Hang in there. I think you are doing great:-) Sending you positive energy and an Almond Joy!!!

[Ahoy]

"Was he just trying to be the man he thought I wanted and he couldn't take it anymore?"

raliced -- this resonated with me. I think, in retrospect, that my H never had a strong sense of self, which is reflected in the fact that he doesn't have close friends (good friends keep us accountable to ourselves and hold up a mirror to us). To me, it feels like he is trying on a whole new personality, with new facial hair and wardrobe to match.

On the one hand, I guess it's good that he's finally trying to figure out who he really is. (It's just too bad that that person is a total selfish jerk.) On the other hand, he overlapped the end of our marriage with an OW and is trying to be a different person for her. So do I think he is honestly "finding" himself? No. Also, he doesn't tell any of his "friends" from work about his girlfriend, even though he talks to our daughter about her a lot. So once again, he can't face who his actions reveal him to really be.

Your H sounds similar. He is trying on a new personality. Best to let that go. I'm glad at least that the OW has similar house rules to yours. I struggle with the fact that my H's OW will be a presence in my D14s life, and that my D14 doesn't seem to mind this new development.

Georgiabelle -- I'm in the same place you are. For the next person I date, I will be running a background check and credit score. And then I'll realize that, even if they seem great, that people can change. Maybe being at peace with the idea of change is what we should work on the most. No matter how much we protect our hearts, change happens. But we shouldn't deny ourselves fun and pleasure, for as long as it lasts. Beginnings and endings are natural processes. I struggle with this too, but it's something I am trying to absorb.

[raliced]

So I still have no voice - but I took a sick day on Monday and am feeling modestly recharged.

Tomorrow STBX has kids and he gets D6 all day Friday as well because its his weekend and she has a holiday.

Because all of her Valentine's day shenanigans fall during his time- I just sent him a note about all the things he needed to be aware of (pajama day at school,etc.) He also has to bring a contribution to the class party and D6 has her heart set on hand dipping strawberries in chocolate. Some day I will be able to relay this type of info with nonchalance - but right now I'm still a little too close to the betrayal and I let out a little "Bwah Hah Hah!" that he'll have to deal with this for once.

My work observes the day off on Monday and since the kids are off of school, I'm toying with the idea of taking D6 up the hill and teaching her to ski. If she takes to it, it might well become a dangerous, expensive hobby that I regret - but I sure enjoyed skiing when I was a kid. A season pass at the closest resort is only $250 - maybe I should work this back into my lifestyle - I gave it up when I met STBX because he only did cross country. I guess I'll see if its time to reclaim that part of Raliced.

I had done a pretty good job of shaking off my doldrums - today I got a nice note on Facebook from one of my oldest friends who is a sort of missionary in China. She gave me the obligatory ego stroke that she couldn't believe STBX didn't value all my awesomeness and then she shared some good thoughts about the true resiliency of kids (hers have been rooted up time and time again in their expat life). It was actually pretty reassuring.

[zew]

I've been meaning to follow up on things, but I've been super busy the last few days. Let's see here...

I'm interested in your take on trust. Are trust and security the same thing? I wonder. For me trust is the end result of a being in a place of security and confidence.

I think trust will be easier than we think. We're good people, and we see the good in people.

I think confidence is just trust in ourselves. Experience builds confidence, and we've just checked off a new set of boxes in the experience column, no? We're going to come out of this more confident. So far so good.

You set me back with the word security, though. I think we've forever lost our naïve notion that there is security. But the silver lining is this: Now we know that storms come. And we are better weather watchers now. And we have learned some things about mitigating damage early. So how's this -- we give up on the false notion of security and instead work toward a level of risk that we're comfortable with. The eternal optimist in me says this will work out fine. Things will be secure enough.

I can see being totally neurotic about any future partner's texting and phone calls, regardless of how well they might behave.

Nope, you'll be fine. There's a big difference between "I'm your independent S, with healthy relationships outside of our M" texting and "I'm hiding an A" texting. Anyone, and I mean anyone who thinks they can hide an A from someone who has spent any time on this forum is a complete fool. So I don't think you'll be neurotic at all. You will know instantaneously with not so much as a conscious thought whether there is a concern. Won't come close to rising to the level of neurotic.

I know I have a choice in this, but I worry that a casualty of this whole fiasco will be the affable, easy going Raliced.

I think the opposite. You're wiser. Seasoned. Better idea what you want and what you don't want. You're finding out what you need and now you know what you can do without. I think that lets us dump a whole lot of baggage that we've been lugging around for unknown contingencies. I think the opportunity is here to drop that weight and be even more easy going.

I think the key is to not get sucked in to any bitter, cynical victimhood, because that will cause us to scrutinize the hell out of any future relationship.

I didn't get married until fairly late in life - and that was by design. I thought I chose carefully and well, and that we laid a solid foundation together, precisely to avoid the very situation I find myself in now. I'm having a moment where I feel like I flunked a big chunk of my life.

I did the same. In fact, I used to quip that my mid life crisis involved getting married. (The irony makes me lol.)
But I don't doubt for a minute that I chose wisely. I'd remarry the person I married in a heartbeat. I had no way of knowing that 18 years later she'd slide off the road and have absolutely.no.idea.whatsoever how to right herself or who to turn to. Don't beat yourself up on your choice. Some things are latent, apparently, to all concerned.

I'm toying with the idea of taking D6 up the hill and teaching her to ski. If she takes to it, it might well become a dangerous, expensive hobby that I regret - but I sure enjoyed skiing when I was a kid.

Do it. I implore you. I regret not starting D13 sooner -- she's not as intrepid as S9. I tell the kids they will be able to ski alone or with friends, all over the world for the rest of their lives - don't need a team or 5am ice time, just go. Check out liftopia. I've been getting phenomenal discounts by booking a few days in advance.

Hope you're feeling better.

[raliced]

Zew- Thanks for following up! I admire your positive outlook and general optimism about things. I'm there some days, but still have some outliers where I'm moody and introspective. Hopefully, with time and distance, I'll be able to maintain my sunny side consistently.

I'm going to take D6 skiing. If nothing else I do enjoy the "Waaaaaah" look on her face when she realizes her old Mom is capable of doing some pretty cool things.

[raliced]

So - I know upfront this isn't really DB related.

I have a 6 year old Bernese Mountain Dog that I adopted from a rescue about a year ago. I adore that dog. It sounds totally corny but he's really helped me through all of this because he's so smiley and happy when I come home every day.

Early this morning- he started having convulsions. I got him straight to the vet first thing and he wanted to keep him there and administer IVs. I just got the update call. The vet strongly suspects rat poisoning. I have no idea how Bear would have gotten into this (I've never purchased any). I know I don't have it on my property, but apparently a poisoned rodent might have wandered from somewhere else. He's been administering all kinds of medications, but they only stop the convulsions for about an hour, which is not a good sign.

Most likely if I have a shot at saving him- he will have to go to an emergency facility at about $2,000 a day minimum and even then there is no guarantee- because no one knows for sure what's happening. Realistically, its probably foolhardy to even consider this type of expense right now, but I just don't want to take this loss. I don't want to explain it to my daughters. And honestly, I hate that I have to make this decision on my own.

[Maybell]

I am so, so sorry. I hope he recovers.

[SunnyB]

Oh Raliced, I'm so sorry. I hope Bear recovers quickly.