Wife Wants Out

[Leon01]

Yes it does. You assumed that's what she she wants. Your'e mindreading and it seems controlling. You should have just let her say what her love languages are.

You are right. I've learned to shut up and let her talk.

You two seem to be going to MC alot. What else do you discuss?

No, we only went to MC twice. The first time was horrible. The MC didn't help at all. It seemed like she wasn't even listening to either of us and just kept asking scripted questions. However, I do fault myself in this. I was in a hurry for us to go to MC looking for a "quick fix" to our problems. But after reading these boards I learned that it was NOT the thing to even suggest at the time.

The second time we went, the W said she is going forward with the D. And the MC simply agreed and started searching for information about co-parenting. I kept my cool though.

[MrBond]

What were her reasons for leaving that she brought up in C?

[Leon01]

Also said that she can't see herself going back to the relationship she had, and so on. Basically its tough to admit, but for them they are 'done' with us.

My W said that as well.

I feel for my W, she had to feel that way in order to do what she was doing with the A. I don't know, it seems like there's two things here that I've had to deal with

1) Wayward spouses say whatever is on their mind at the time, they are not thinking about the M (just OM) and we are thinking about it always. So, when we ask a question, its usually thought out by us and their response is how they feel that minute

Yeah. And this gives me some hope, because her exact quote was "right now I don't see myself going back". I hope to show her she won't be going back. But only time will tell.

2) We as LBS are trying to look at what we can hold onto for hope that this is not permanent. That's not a bad thing, but can lead us to overanalyzing everything

As far as MC goes, I've heard if there's an A; MC is pretty much useless. After I confronted W about OM, we've been going; but its been pretty much just talking logistics. Every time something emotional has come up; she tries and cancels. Well, just two weeks ago; we actually had a conversation and next thing I know; I'm back ten steps thinking that the solution is just around the corner. It stinks, but its normal, I guess

This is how I felt after both of my MC sessions. It seemed like we were making progress. We were talking and laughing together. We were also eating meals as a family, and even sat on the couch and watched a movie together. Then, MC and BOOM we barely spoke to each other for a few days.

So again I am learning that this takes time. My sister was almost a WAW with her husband and it took nearly 3 years for them to reconcile.

[Leon01]

What were her reasons for leaving that she brought up in C?

She had a bunch of them. Some of it was true, some not (IMO, at least). I did NOT argue with her though. I let her speak. The ones I remember:

- I wasn't affectionate enough.
- She didn't feel valued in our W.
- Gift giving: I have to ask her about gifts. In other words, I have to ask "What do you want for X?" (birthdays, Christmas, etc). That I never buy her gifts from the heart.
- Pornography. (she has since said this wasn't a problem, but she did mention it then, but it may tie in with the affection issue)

[Leon01]

Also, regarding the porn issue: Around BD2 I deleted the porn, reformatted hard drives, installed games, and pretty much turned my computer to the kids.

[MrBond]

"Some of it was true, some not (IMO, at least)"

So what were the things that you didn't think were true. And for now, you have to understand it doesn't matter what YOU think is true. What matters is what bothers her. If she brought it up in C, then it's probably an issue to her. Stop ignoring that.

[Leon01]

Mainly, it was the issue with gifting. Yes, I did sometimes ask for ideas. But I have often gotten her things on my own doing. And I have also surprised her with flowers, chocolate, etc. I have come to accept that if she mentioned it then it is an issue and that I am not a "gifts" person.

However, not to complain, but she isn't good at giving gifts either. She rarely gives gifts and if she does, it is usually something for the house. Keep in mind, I did NOT say this during MC. I was trying to agree with her before she cut me off.

[MrBond]

"However, not to complain, but she isn't good at giving gifts either."

You are complaining. Complaining and score keeping. You do quite a bit of scorekeeping in your posts I notice.

[Leon01]

Mr Bond.

I will try to keep that in check. But that is kinda what i thought this forum was for. Better to do it here than to the W. Like i said, I did not say this in MC.

On another note, I was able to check her phone tonight. No kik or anything else suspicious. Doesn't prove or disprove anything.

[MrBond]

" will try to keep that in check. But that is kinda what i thought this forum was for."

It is. HOWEVER, you need to recognize that when you say something that is contradictory to what you want your W to believe, that means that your "changes" are fake and not lifelong. That the changes are just to get your spouse back and when they do return, you'll go right back to the way you were before.

If your changes were real about how you listen to her more now, etc., you wouldn't have even thought to make a scorekeeping comment.