Yes, both very much SCRIPT. It's very typical of the wayward mindset, whereby they basically take a "Great -- so NOW you're changing!" stance, resent the h*ll out of your positive changes. It's also very likely that by the time she went to MC with you, she was already "done" or -- at a minimum -- so emotionally connected with an OM (or the fantasy of one) that she's basically physiologically BLOCKED to you.
Starsky
Right again Starsky. In the first MC session she said she was "pretty much done" to quote her.
Okay, now that you see what the issue probably is for her checking out of the marriage, you're going to have to start to look at what the causes were. Think back to the time that your marriage was starting to be shaky and try to see what things your wife would tell you she was unhappy about. These are the things you're going to need to change. Sometimes it's more apparent what our issues were in our marriage, And then sometimes the issues aren't that apparent.
Much like you, my wife said same things, help around the house, kids, Etc. It seems like there were other things for my wife that she didn't tell me when she left that were the real issues. For me it was she felt like she wasn't my equal, my expectations were too high, I didn't give Her enough individuality. The tricky part is some of these are validate some are not, but in a WAS they all are valid. It makes you really need to think abou t how to change these traits.
After a bit more reflection, I do think that she was missing out on quality time and affection. Especially since she started her new job. It is hard to make time when you only see each other for ~2 hours a day. And she works with mostly men, so she's spending 8+ hours a day with them. THAT is what I am up against. I did suggest that she quit the job, which she seemed open to. But I am not sure about that now.
Another thing: On my way to work this morning* I got a call from the W asking my opinion if she should keep S9 home from school today. He has a slight fever and has been coughing for the past day or so. Odd because usually she'd just make that decision herself and call just to inform me.
*I am still doing my morning routine of helping get the kids up and ready for school. Since W was awake I decided to go in to work early. W seems to appreciate it.
Another thing: On my way to work this morning* I got a call from the W asking my opinion if she should keep S9 home from school today. He has a slight fever and has been coughing for the past day or so. Odd because usually she'd just make that decision herself and call just to inform me.
Someone may be advising her to document the ways in which she is cooperating with you, being a good mother, etc. Or she may be doing it out of guilt over other behavior that's not so noble, hard to say.
Hard to get a read on her behavior at times. I have to stop trying to analyze everything she does
Yes, for several reasons. A), as you note, it makes it difficult to detach. But also, B) making sense of wayward behavior is oftentimes to try and make sense of the senseless. When people are caught up in affairs their behavior is often totally out of character for them, and wildly erratic -- even psychotic at times. Remember the otherwise-sane/intelligent female astronaut OW who drove across the country WEARING AN ADULT DIAPER so she wouldn't have to stop for bathroom breaks, as she drove to Florida to confront her husband's wife?
"I said that mine was touch and hers is quality time. She then cut me off and said "See, you don't understand. I want it ALL!"
Does this make any sense?"
Yes it does. You assumed that's what she she wants. Your'e mindreading and it seems controlling. You should have just let her say what her love languages are.
You two seem to be going to MC alot. What else do you discuss?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Right again Starsky. In the first MC session she said she was "pretty much done" to quote her.
Yep, this is what my W has said to me too. She actually sent me an email early on saying she wanted a D, but then (after I confronted her about OM) said she just wanted to be separated. Also said that she can't see herself going back to the relationship she had, and so on. Basically its tough to admit, but for them they are 'done' with us. I feel for my W, she had to feel that way in order to do what she was doing with the A. I don't know, it seems like there's two things here that I've had to deal with
1) Wayward spouses say whatever is on their mind at the time, they are not thinking about the M (just OM) and we are thinking about it always. So, when we ask a question, its usually thought out by us and their response is how they feel that minute
2) We as LBS are trying to look at what we can hold onto for hope that this is not permanent. That's not a bad thing, but can lead us to overanalyzing everything
As far as MC goes, I've heard if there's an A; MC is pretty much useless. After I confronted W about OM, we've been going; but its been pretty much just talking logistics. Every time something emotional has come up; she tries and cancels. Well, just two weeks ago; we actually had a conversation and next thing I know; I'm back ten steps thinking that the solution is just around the corner. It stinks, but its normal, I guess
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
